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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 11:09 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

Sending you more helpful thoughts - best I can think up - I really don't know how you manage but I often think of you during my quiet hours

I so like that bike with the flowers - so I had a bit of a search and came up with one of my own

But I am having trouble finding it again

Okay - take 2

And @Zoe7

I think of you often too - I know you are battling on two fronts at least - as I am - that is physical pain and emotional pain - with one making the other worse - I know well enough

It does bother me a lot that I no longer drive - I stopped driving but when my licence came up for renewal I was taking far more medication than I am now - and I take so much less now - and my shoulder concerns me more than my medication - but how frustrating - when I read the details on my licence renewal form I had to disclose if anything was different and of course my doctor had told me not to drive and to continue to do so would have been pretty wrong. To npt have done so would have beem fraudulent

Still - I might bring this up with my doctor again - my medication was why I stopped and I think I could drive again - but my pain specialist is someone who can be hard to convince - ah - how wonderful just to take off in my car and drive all around the south east coast to Eden which is what I wanted to do

But still - I do get around - this is my third year with my interstate trip - and travelling gets easier with practise

Thanks girls

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 1:13 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

That image is gorgeous too @Owlunar ..... 😊

Hi everybody ..... 🤗💕

Where's our @Zoe7 this morning ..... ?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 1:37 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope and everyone else...

After a pretty horrible weekend I managed a few hours sleep last night. I even felt a little better going to my GP appointment. That is pretty much where it ended! My GP is moving practices to be closer to home. That means a lot further away for me. Now I just want to sleep again and forget the world exists. Definitely not coping well with the news at all. Already had meds so hopefully will be asleep soon - don't know any other way to deal with this!

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 1:44 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 ...... hugs n hugs Hon ......

Thinking of you so much. I am glad you managed some nurturing sleep ahead of this news.

I am at the coffee shop doing a crossword and I can't help but think of you ...... I screen-saved part of a crossword to share with you later, but the interactives on it won't work that way. At least we have a visual though ......

💚💐💕🦋💜💐💕🐬

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 1:55 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm sure you are probably thinking of me because you don't know some of the answers @Faith-and-Hope lol

I am thinking that I may need MANY crosswords later - this has really thrown me. She has been putting off telling me becauseof 'everything else' but had to tell me today because she leaves at the end of the week.

I know it shouldn't be such a big deal but it really is. I held off the tears until I got in the car. It isn't as simple as just moving with her as I will also be leaving behind all the other wonderful staff there - people I not only like but have been so wonderful to me - and it is a lot further away so I also will have to be really careful with appointment times so I am not driving in traffic or in the dark.

And to top off this day beautifully - we have gale force winds again this afternoon!!!!

I am so grateful to have you right now otherwise I think this would be it for me Hon

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 2:01 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh @Zoe7 ..... bug hugs (🐞🦋) ..... ❣️

That really sucks, but I hope there are some beautiful new people waiting to meet you at her new practice ...... ones who you will quickly feel at home with too.

Across: orchestra section (5). _ _ _ S _

Down: batsman's dismissal (1,1,1)

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 2:05 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

It really, really sucks @Faith-and-Hope

orchestra section - BRASS

batsmen's dismissal - LBW

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 2:11 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Knew the LBW would be a no-brainer for you @Zoe7 ...... my mum would have love you .... art and sport AND crosswords ..... ❣️

WH slept in this morning till 8am ..... no jog .... and no jog Sat morning ..... don't know about yesterday cos I wasn't here ..... but something is changing with that too ..... watch this space.

Across: snowfield lift (1-3)
Down: Oxford's rival (9) .... second letter is A

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 2:17 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I have no doubt I would have loved your mum too @Faith-and-Hope - after all - you came from her - so what wouldn't be to love

Things are starting to change with WH - let's hope the changes do not place any extra stress/pressure for you. I will definitely be 'watching this space'

across - either t, j or l BAR

down - Cambridge

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Aug 2017, 2:28 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I put t-bar because the t was out on its own and it made no difference what letter I used there.

Yes, I hope the changes that are coming don't increase the strain on me, but I am feeling that the therapists are taking up the strain at the moment ..... the pdoc last week was pushing WH in that apt quite hard, but he wasn't reactive towards me afterwards ...., but the therapist also pointed out that both WH and S2 were taking over me in conversation and cutting me off, invalidating what I had to say as long-winded and not worthy of attention ..... he told them both that that will just exacerbate our situation, apart from the fact that it is controlling and arrogant. D1 did that to me last week, and matched what they had said word for word ..... "I know what she is going to say, and she is taking too long to say it" as a justification for cutting me off ..... these are the ocpd traits ...., always feeling like they are running out of time and everything has to happen immediately, and in a compressed form. While I have been protesting this, because I am not a doormat, our situation has been triggering these traits in the kids ..... hence S2's trauma ..... and it will now be obvious to these two when S1, D1 and D3 are doing this to me too ......

It is support for me in the process of sorting them, and I think it is a shield for me that the therapists are carefully creating as they go along ...., they are so good at what they do .... ❣️

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