Am Not Coping

Yes he is stretched out on his back on his blanket next to me with his little paws in the air @CheerBear - he is adorable

Oh kids in the car on long drives - so hard to keep them occupied and concentrate at the same time - glad it was you and not me

I'm trying to keep distracted - really can't do another night like last night - won't make it through

Things have been 'tricky' here for a while now @CheerBear Both my psych and GP are concerned because there has been no improvement with my depression symptoms - infact they have gotten worse over the last several weeks. It hasn't helped at all that this week has been such a difficult week for me anyway. My psych increased one of my meds but if that doesn't start working we have to take a completely new road - and that will be very tricky because I won't be in hospital to monitor.

Toby has now moved and is curled up on the cushion behind me with his little paw resting on my shoulder. He needs to be touching me or at least close enough to be able to - not sure sometimes who needs it more - him or me

Crosswords were always my go-to distraction in the classroom. The kids loved making their own also and then they would swap with someone else to complete. We always had a theme which made it easier for everyone to understand.

What movie are you watching tonight? Smurfs 2 lol

Nanny McPhee is a good choice @CheerBear

Yes it has been a difficult week. It is hard to explain to most people how certain dates or times of year are just thst little bit harder than others. This has been the first year I haven't been working, therefore I have had no distractions - and it has hit me harder because of everything else I am still dealing with. The really sad thing is that this was only one week of many that were hard but the difference is this is when I was most scared because I nearly didn't survive this time - and straight after he left. That was even harder to deal with because I didn't know where he was or when/if (I always thought when) he would come back - but he never did. In some ways that also makes it harder because I could never understand why - was there a tiny bit of care left within him, did he finally realise what he had nearly done (what he had been doing for so long) - I just don't know!

I really don't feel like I am getting through it. You know as I do how these feelings take over and you can't see past the pain. My throat was getting better too but that has flared up again and I have had a fever on and off all day. I know it is partly a result of the stress and 'trying to deal with' the last week but it is more than annoying, more than frustrating, it is really getting me down! (as if I wasn't depressed enough lol)

You are completely right @CheerBear - no book knowledge can give you the same level of understanding as experience - particularly when it comes to people's feelings/reactions/triggers etc.

This one particular 'incident' was early morning - still dark but the birds were starting to sing. So I'm sure you can imagine how hard it is to hear what should be such a beautiful start to the day be so triggering for me. My fear since has been that if I do sleep - this time I will not wake up. I know I have said this before elsewhere - but it is really confusing to think this but then on the other hand also wish that I didn't wake up!

Soup would be nice. I need to try to get out tomorrow to the supermarket and get some food. I am lucky it is very close so I don't have to drive far. I won't be able to get much as I won't be able to walk around for too long - so just the essentials to get me through for now. Lucky I love me some vegies 'cos that is about all I will be able to manage.

What are you up to tomorrow?

@CheerBear I wonder if this would work....