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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:00 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I was just replying to @Faith-and-Hope and didn't see your post - sorry.

That's exactly what I'm looking for. From your point of view there doesn't seem to be a gradual slide it is just an instant crash. That is exactly what I want to work out. If there was a series of events or words or things that I write that you could see was changing then it may be easier to identify when I was struggling. But if it seems that I go from ok to not ok that quickly then that is something I need to work out why?

I really don't think it is anything you do at all - or write. I think it is more that ANYTHING that can be even remotely triggering is when I am really so physically and mentally exhausted.

Not sure! I'm in a pretty good place at the moment so can try and work out some of this if that is ok with you?!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:00 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. People / crowds at your beach. Night. Dark. Nightmares.
Our triggers are hard to deal with. Our brain has become so used to a particular wird or image - being a negative or scary experience. That's why we need to re-wire our brains. Slowly. One step at a time.
As important as knowing what yiur triggers are. I think you also need wirds or images etc, that bring you relief. Where yiu can feel calm. Because then the brain will work at recognising these things as being positive.
I use visualization. I have my 'safe place' - some call it. I call it 'my country'. There is always a Creek. Always green grass. Always the smell of eucalyptus. Always animals - friendly. And every time I smell eucalyptus - I instantly feel relaxed. When I hear cockies - I feel at home. Whereas - cockies screeching might be annoying for some.
so try and also work out what your relaxation / calming smells words sights etc might be.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Have to dash out ... back in a bit ....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:30 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I have just been going back over some of our conversations and I really can't identify anything you have written that may have triggered me. I can see in places though where it seems like we have been having a very normal discussion and then suddenly my mood changes. I am so sorry - that must be really frustrating for you -especially when you don't know why - it's frustrating fo me now because I don't know why. Must be external to the forum - or from another thread???? Not sure!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:40 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It doesn't bother me @Zoe7. It is what it is. But if there are particular words or topics - I'm happy to avoid them.
And yes - to me it seems that nothing has happened between chatting & your fears. But then, I understand that.
I can be having a good day and then - for example - my old friend will pop into my head - & then - my brain is fixated on whys & what did I do - or that negative doubt and fears.
It just seems to happen. And sometimes I realise a few hrs have passed & I've been obsessing over this. Then I have to forcibly - sometimes - make myself stop and push these thoughts out of my brain. Otherwise - I will become overraught

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:43 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I found this for you @Zoe7 .... re your earlier comment ....

I am sure Phoenix won't mind me mentioning it, cos it's clear on her thread anyway, but she was apologising to someone a couple of days ago for exactly the same thing happening with her @Zoe7 ..... a sudden hyper-sensitivity - but she knows this happens for her, went into melt-down, recovered, then came back to apologise to the person she had caught off-guard. She may have some strategies that can help you to recognise this and address it.

I think that is an excellent observation @utopia .... using the same sort of tracks that a trigger follows to "anti-trigger" with thoughts, words, and visualisations ....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Feb 2017, 11:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia yep I do get that. One tiny little thing or thought or image etc. can turn into a sudden and overwhelming negative reaction. I do know when I am not physically well I can't cope emotionally - and when I am really tired it is worse. I have been trying to avoid tv and music this week as there always seems to be something that triggers a negative reaction. There are certain words that are huge triggers for me - in any situation and in circumstance- none of which you have used - but maybe when in my hyper-vigilant state I make connections in my mind to those!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Feb 2017, 12:12 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Lotus flowers

flourish in the mud.

I love your chatter. @utopia @Zoe7

and glad @Phoenix_Rising joined in and we got over my

foot in mouth post a few days ago

need to figure out when its gentleigh bentleigh or

wheeeee down the water slide

cheers Apple

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Feb 2017, 12:15 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

❤️ ya @Appleblossom .....

Hugzzzzzz ❣

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Feb 2017, 12:23 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Appleblossom Thanks for dropping in.Haven't really seen you much lately - but then I've been a bit too pre-occupied with myself.

It was nice to have @Phoenix_Rising drop in for a chat.

I love the thought of the lotus flower in the mud - now that is an image I can have as a positive image

@utopia and @Faith-and-Hope have both been incredible supports for me lately - sometimes we chat about nothing and other times they help to keep my head above water - either way they have been amazing.

Feel free to drop in anytime and say Hi

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