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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

He has been taking over the housekeeping so he can tell his family that I am not looking after the house and kids anymore. I am walking back from the shops with the lunch ingredients having told the kids what I am preparing, and he has walked in from the shops and given them lunch.

He is piling everything he can get his hands on through the washing machine to create a huge pile of ironing, which I can't do, and still get my painting finished in time to dry for transport ...,, setting up conflict everywhere and begging an argument so he can they say I am arguing and upsetting everyone.

😡

This is his reaction to the pdoc's feedback - a panic and control reaction ..... so I just have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue. It's on borrowed time.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Eden1919 @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Phoenix_Rising @CheerBear @Former-Member @Former-Member @Owlunar @BlueBay @Former-Member @NikNik

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope It definitely seems like he is trying to alienate you from the family in the hope that you will be the one blamed for everything. It is quite naive of him in a way to think that the kids do not know what he is doing and cannot see how controlling he is. He really doesn't have any idea of what he is doing to everyone does he - his mother has defintiely helped to mould him into this version of himself - very egocentric and dominating - masked as love and helpfulness. This cannot go on much longer @Faith-and-Hope - you cannot continue to walk this path every day - I know you are strong but you are beginning to sacrifice the things that make you YOU and I am really starting to get concerned for you sweetheart.

Here walking with you...and holding your hand for support...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Aw @Faith-and-Hope

That sounds terrible - a nasty-pasty sounds a bit to good for him - I got food poisoning from a pasty once - oohhh - not good

Your kids are all young adults by now I think - so I am wondering how come you are failing them in the food department or however

Seeing as I took a few days off there could be something I have missed but I am pretty sure it's progressing and WH knows it and is going to carry on pretending you are the bad guy and can't even do the ironing - oh poor WH

I have this figured - you are the one with the faith and hope and continue - even if you have to grit your teeth in the process

I care Faith - and wish this was easier and hope this is the beginning of him finding he needs that DX - I hope so anyway

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It is stating to show up @Zoe7 and @Owlunar ..... I won't go into details here yet, but I think it is going to come out in the not too distant future .... and he has enough insight to recognise that something is about to change, outside of his control.

And yes, @Zoe7, he is lacking the insight that the kids can see what is going on.

Sorry, there might be a few weeks of whinging ahead ...... 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😱

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Whinge away @Faith-and-Hope - anything you need to get out at any time - let us help carry you just as you do for so many others

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Certainly into watching for the next episode @Faith-and-Hope

I guess you know to fold the clothes rather than iron them - and if he is unhappy about his shirts - I have a handy hint

My ex wanted his shirts ironed and I had brought drip-dry shirts and would hang them in his cupboard as they came off the line and they looked fine to me - but he knew - HE KNEW

Now how come - how did he know - so I tried a little experiment and when I hung his shirts up I sprayed a little ironing spray into the cupboard at the same time

And I won the shirt-game - I have a few more stories but one at a time is enough

I do hope it gets where it all has to go soon Faith - but I guess you will be wondering how it will come down

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope. If I had any strength to give - I would willing give it to you.
Ignore what you can & continue to self care.
You and your art come before the ironing. Ask the kids who understand what is happening - to help with the ironing or back you up against bully boy - so your art gets completed in time.
Sending you love and hugs and hope for peacefut times ahead. ♡♡

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

With 3 babies under 2yo to start with, one bouncing in and out of hospital, specialists offices, and surgery, I quickly learned how to streamline the housekeeping. My mil refers to it as "lazy". She irons sheets, towels, underwear, tea towels, and starts washing the dishes while you're still eating off them .....

The perfectionist nature setting unachievable goals is her and fil and all over their family ...,, so they don't recognise OCD as problematic - it's their normal and something to aspire to .....

The problem here is that WH was able to understand that before, and accept my take on parenting and housekeeping. His mi has caused a mental switch back to that childhood programming, and he is re-writing our family and marriage history to match his mum's script ..... after all, she is the one enabling his e.d. behaviours and covering for him ..... only too delighted to be "head wife".

It's so sad, once you look past the frustration ..... I don't know that she is going to be able to cope once we do get to dx ..... but she is not my concern. I have had a complete gutful of having to manage her toxic behaviours. Now they are under my roof, and have taken my hubby hostage ......

😔

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope this is just me feeling vindictive but how would MIL go if you 'dumped' all the washing on her to iron - your in the sh*t anyway so you may as well get something out of it!

That probably is not helpful at all - just a thought coming completely from frustration on your behalf

You are right - MIL is not your concern - you cannot change her behaviours but you know deep down the man you married is still in there somewhere and that is what you are holding on to. That takes incredible resilience, courage and belief. You are amazing Hon

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