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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 7:27 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

OMG @utopia More than relieved!!!

My GP had already decided to change my meds and the Psychiatrist recommended exactly what she had changed to - just the dose and time were different.She is also giving me some for anxiety for the short term as well. Told her how heightened this has been re talk of hospital and now that she really is starting to get how distressed it has made me I am hoping the anxiety lessens a little also. I still have my meds to try and help with sleep - same as before just a higher dose. Also have to take them much earlier to see if that helps me relax enough to try and sleep before the fears set in. Fingers crossed!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 7:40 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

BRILLIANT! !!!@zoe7. Yes sometimes changing the time we take our meds can make a difference.
Do you feel your anxiety reducing now that hospital is off the table & you have a better plan in place?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 7:48 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

So much less anxiety @utopia. My heart seems to actually be back in my chest and not trying to run away from my body. I feel like I can actually breath again! My headache is still really bad but I can cope better with that when the rest of my body is doing better - and hopefully the painkillers will help it subside a little so I can get some sleep tonight.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 7:53 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That's great @Zoe7. Think you might be able to make yourself a simple dinner and eat tonight? Refuel your body after the shock it's had. And plenty of cold water today. Still boiling hot here. 41° tomorrow after getting down to 25° overnight. I have a feeling I'll be awake a fair bit tonight.
And how is Toby's paw?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 8:01 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia My headache needs to get a bit better first. I can have another painkiller in about half an hour and I'll see how I feel then.

It's quiote cold here tonight - even had to put a jumper on. Don't think it even got to your overnight minimum all day today. It has been really windy (and I can't believe I am dealing with that atm) and it looks like it is about to start to rain again - that means Cat will be inside soon.

Toby's paw seems to be a bit better - he isn't licking and chewing it like he was. Will put some more cream on just before his bed time.

How are your muddy monsters? And how is your son doing tonight?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 8:30 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

We are all melting tonight @Zoe7. I can't believe we can be so hot and just over the water - you are cool. Not fair. Lol.
My boys doing okay. Had swimming for sport today - so he's happy. They will do school swimming races at the end of the month.
I finally have my gp and psychologist appointment tomorrow. 2 months almost since I saw my psychologist - & nearly as long with my gp. Am meant to see them both at least once a month. So I'm looking forward to it. So much to tell my psychologist. He's been wanting to hear about my old friend and how our face to face reunion would go. Lol. He's in for a surprise. When as I'm doing okay with it. Lol

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I hope you have a really long appointment with your psychologist tomorrow - so much to talk about!!!! I don't have my appointment until 4:30 so will be around if you need to chat

You seem to be in a much better place now about your 'friend' so hope tomorrow will be easy for you. here for you if you need to debrief though.

I can't believe the difference in temperature around Australia at the moment! We had the most beautiful sunset tonight - that's why I have taken so long to respond. I actually just sat outside and looked at the sky.

My headache is actually getting worse - I think it is mainly because of the lack of sleep and the relieving slightly of the stress. I won't be able to sleep if it doesn't get any better. A couple more painkillers and see how I go!

Do you have any other plans for tomorrow - I presume you aren't working!?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 9:13 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I can't help bb anymore tonight - as much as I want to - just read her last posts - so you know why!! Too much - don't want to be back where I was last night! I feel terrible about it but a little better knowing you are supporting her

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 9:26 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. You don't have to look at Bb's posts. Your not 'expected' to do anything. Just look after yourself. Don't go near anyone's posts that may be triggering. The Beer Garden or Anyone want to chat - they may be good for general chit chat.
Why not take your pain med now and then go lie down and see if you can sleep - or even doze for a few minutes.
So glad you took in the sunset. Mother Nature is the best artist there is.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor09 Feb 2017, 9:37 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia going to just stay here and maybe re-read some of @Faith-and-Hope F&A. Will have my meds now and hopefully it won't take hours again to work. See how we go hey!

Wish now I had thought about taking a photo of the sunset - would have been a beautiful image to paint!

Starting to get that 'night time' feeling - seems like the smallest thing can trigger me at the moment - I know the lack of sleep is a major factor too.

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