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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 2:33 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@oceangirl .... sorry, fell asleep before ....

My S2 has had some rough experiences with school, and then in a uni course that we knew was rough cos D1 came through the same school, but WH had insisted on him doing it instead of the course that he wanted to do .... and as a result S2 has experienced a repeated sense of failure. WH's illness is centred in OCD issues - as yet undiagnosed - but overly harsh and controlling as his parents both were on him .... interspersed with lavishing gifts on him that he then felt unworthy to receive .... again the pattern from his parents. Before the eating disorder set in, this is not who he was.

This is our 8th year of our struggle with WH's e.d. and it has finally weighed S2 down, because the more he started to not cope, the more WH began to panic and try to force him into coping according to this harsh family ideal.

The doctor's actions today have placed a safety net over S2, the same way me attending the psychologist that I see created one over me .... as it creates a boundary and sccountavility over WH.... even this afternoon it is clear that his (unintensional) bullying has stopped. S2 is struggling too because he loves his dad so much .....

What it will mean in terms of treatment I don't know yet, but it's WH who needs the most treatment .... and he is yet undiagnosed. St least I am feeling so relieved that S2 is under protection.

WH has been given dr's permission to attend the psychologist with S2, with S2's consent .... and I still don't know how all this will work itself out .... but it is a major change that will set us on a different path and lift a load of the stress of us in the interim.

I have to trust that S2 will be okay in the long term, and the situational issues we are faced with are still much less than they would have been if we had tried to leave ....

I hope this makes sense. I am sad that S2 is now recognised as unwell, but it is a break-through anyway.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 2:54 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Looks like we were typing st the same time @oceangirl .... and essentially saying the same thing ....

Yes, underneath this behaviour, WH is really soft too ... I am so shocked at what this illness has done to him. The core issues were there, but we could discuss them, and WH could listen and learn and modify or moderate his ideas, thoughts and behaviours .... this form of the illness, (bearing in mind that he had a different presentation of eating disorder before this one took over), has amplified everything and caused him to take up a rigid controlling mindset that is beyond reasoning with a lot of the time.

Instead of supporting S2 through his struggles of the Kats few years, instead we have had this "alter ego" ....

This is not a full rescue of our situation, but it is a partial one, and hopefully we can access a full rescue through it .... can't predict too much .... have to wait and see ....

in answer to your other question, we have a very full weekend of family occasions .... several birthdays at once that we are going out for tomorrow night.

I am starting to drift off again. I hope you can get some more sleep too .... catch up with you again tomorrow ?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

oceangirlSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 3:04 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope What you have written makes a lot of sense. Perhaps S2 needs to look at the life he wants to create for himself and does what makes him happy. I would hope with therapy and awareness, he is able to lessen the impact from WH's, and start to pave a life for himself. He may disappoint/upset his Dad for a while but I think he will be happy when he sees his son happy. I think that is all parents want to see are their children happy and healthy.

I understand his sense of failure and how much that would impact him and that his huge. But I hope with some new direction and goals he can start to rebuild himself and build his self esteem and self worth.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 3:05 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

G'night @oceangirl .... 💗💕💤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 3:11 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

WH finally agreed to WH changing to the course of his choice last year @oceangirl .... but by then he was feeling so defeated that he hasn't been able to engage with it properly, and sinking further into despair ... D3 was struggling just as much, if not more so this last four years of her high school, since dislocated knees set her back, and then WH's controlling behaviours were impacting her the same way, until I managed Theo get her under the safety net of the school counsellor, and WH was forced to back off, similarly to this situation now with S2 ....

Anyway .... it feels like we have turned a corner. D3 has bounced back as ell as she can in the shadow of our issue .... I am hopeful that S2 will too .... but even more so that this will be the path to our rescue.

G'night ..... 💗💤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

oceangirlSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 3:21 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Goodnight @Faith-and-Hope

Sweet dreams to you...

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 10:30 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh wow! @Faith-and-Hope

Gradually it seems that WH is seeing that his controlling behaviour is having an effect on other people that is less than helpful - and now you and S2 have some outside help that WH recognizes and D3 is gradually sorting herself out too

Controlling fathers - ah - they do have a rough hand at times - not in the physical sense as my father did not strike me - but he did pressure me into leave school before I was ready and then the only way I could leave home was to marry the man he did not want me to -

But I overcame this by having the same personality - as my father did with his father - even in Anglo-Celtic families this can run down the generations

Let's all hope and pray this will continue until WH sees he needs to have treatment - and it is strange that his vision has been badly effected yet he still cannot "see" this

I do wish your family the best - it is not at all easy - this is something I do understand

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 10:56 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

WH is still not seeing that his controllling behaviour is having an effect on others @Owlunar ..... that is a big part of his in-denial mind-set ...,, he just changes direction, and any reference to his former behaviour is met with emotionally aggressive responses.

It's like he is re-writing his own history when something alters his perception, and he wants to view himself as the loving, disciplinary father, and me as the emotionally absent parent because I am offering the kids choices and advice / counselling for them to make their own decisions.

He even tried to tell me a couple of years ago that O had been the one inundating the house with junk food for years, when that was him in fact ..... he had done a complete
Role reversal in his own mind ..... part of the delusional thinking that goes with an eating disorder of this magnitude it would seem.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor06 May 2017, 11:54 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @oceangirl

went out to dinner tonight with friends- how lovely xx

we went out to dinner too , which was very nice

how are you today xx

@Faith-and-Hope

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor06 May 2017, 12:24 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

That would be so hard to cope with @Faith-and-Hope

He seems to write himself into the role of rescuing hero all the time when a lot of time the reverse is the case

Oh dear - and a person who gives their kids choices and suggestions about their choices is anything but emotionally absent - rather he is falling back into his own culture about being the controlling parent

Keep writing Faith - this has to be a safety valve for you

I am having some lunch now - definitely feeling I need to refuel - but I will be back this afternoon when I have eaten fruit and bread and a badly needed sweet coffee

Dec

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