Am Not Coping

You're not bothering me at all @Zoe7.

I have been stopped in my painting for the moment by WH lounging on the couch next to the table where I was working, and complaining when I turned on the light because it shone in his eyes. So I am lying down as well, but not wanting to sleep either.

I didn't go for a walk today so I would have enough energy to walk up the hill to the coffee club with WH tonight .... I ran out of steam last night and pulled out. He went instead with a cousin who idolises him. The cousin has mi challenges btw .... and we spend time with him when we are here, WH mostly.

I am glad WH is resting. He is fully into his diet and exercise regimen, and it's obvious he is very tired, and not yet fully past the flu .... :face_with_rolling_eyes: ... but an e.d. is relentless .... and at least he is resting.

MIL is still coughing badly .... it's an interesting dynamic seeing WH Criss with her and trying to discipline her for behaviours his e.d. has had him folliwing. Wondering whether we're going to have the same sort of problem with her .... but you know what ? It's bringing all the family issues to the surface where, God willing, they will start to be sorted out properly.

It probably sounds more stressful than it actually is. WH's e.d. routine keeps him pretty busy, and the rest of us have learned to get on with our lives around him, but with him, if that makes sense.

I hope you don't mind me chatting in with you while you want to stay awake anyway .... ?

Not at all @Faith-and-Hope . If it helps you out and me at the same time then chat away!

It really is an interesting dynamic you have there with your family and the way you deal with all the little pieces reminds me of a jigsaw puzzle. Every piece has it's place - it just takes a lot of patience, time and awareness to put it all together - you are amazing

It feels amazing sometimes .... other times, anything but !

I know with some positive outcome in the - hopefully not too distant - future, we will be looking back on this with a whole lot of mixed emotions ....

This illness has taken WH away from me, yet here's right here .... here and yet not really "with" me, like I am living with some strange twin version of him .... and his appearance has changed, so I sort of look at him sideways and feel strange about that too ... it's quite surreal.

The fact that his mum fully supports his e.d. has caused him, in this unwell state, to enmesh himself with her emotionally, and being emotionally withdrawn (schemas) owing to her own childhood traumas, she doesn't recognise anything dysfunctional in this .... in fact just considers it an extension of how much she is loved by her kids.

Until the e.d. is diagnosed and treated .... effectively removed from the equation .... I can't do anything about this current dynamic anyway, other than embrace working with it, or walking away. Anything else we have tried just created a tempest big enough to destroy everything .... so "doing the jigsaw puzzle" appears to be the only way forward with the least amount of collateral damage.

You are such a strong, wonderful woman to be dealing with this in your life and still holding everyone together @Faith-and-Hope (and yourself!)

I could not even begin to imagine how hard it is to have WH there but not as the person he was - your resilience and love just shine through

It certainly doesn't seem to me that 'walking away' is an option for you and that must place enormous strain on you at times. Very much in awe of the person you areand the strength and compassion you show - not only to your family there but also your 'forum family'.

@Faith-and-Hope So glad that you can share your love and caring here because it really does make a huge difference to so many You are never without a kind word and/or words of 'wisdom' for everyone. You have great insight into what people are going through, and in human nature in general.

7 years is a long time to be 'swinging between treading water and running around putting out scrub fires'.

Before I can begin to deal with the here and now I need to deal with the past - it really has shaped how my brain works and will take a lot to turn it around. As much as other people say it can change, I cannot see it. Too much trauma, too many years, too many unresolved issues and so long feeling worthless and like I don't matter! Baby steps don't even seem to register before I take a giant leap backwards again.

Mindfulness is something that I have tried in the past but my 'mind' is so tired at the moment from keeping things locked away for so long and now they have come out and I can't cope with the frantic way my brain is trying to process everything. That is why - at times - I simply just have to shut down - it's my body and brain's way of saying ENOUGH. It is a scary place to be but I also know it is safer in the short term than the alternative. It is when I am actually 'feeling' that it gets dangerous for me because that is when I start to self-destruct and want it to all stop. Presently it is too difficult to live in the moment - especially when alone - so the forum has been my saviour. I know I'm in a really bad place at the moment and the connections here are just keeping my head above water - enough to take a breathe and then sink under for a while until I struggle back to the surface for another breathe.

I will look up the Look After Ourselves discussion topic though - but will wait until I am capable of taking it all in. Then maybe I will be able to return to it when I am feeling low - already with an idea in my head of what I am looking for.

Enjoy the coffee bar - thanks for keeping me company

Hope you have a great day today @BlueBay