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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor07 Feb 2017, 10:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I think she's pretty good at keeping her head unswollen - but I'll take a pin with me just in case it needs some deflating lol

In regards to the 'slip' - I can see how you would have taken the post the wrong way because of the previous time. Maybe a phone call may have been appropriate first but if it was from a private number I probably wouldn't have answered it anyway. If my GP had rung then I probably would have answered. So if that is something that is possible for SANE @NikNik to have (just in case) then I would consider it - of course I would have to ask my GP first and get her permission. She would also know by talking with me exactly what kind of state I was in and if I was at risk or not.

I think the biggest concern is that when things do get too overwhelming I don't really think about anything except how I can make it all stop. Then I am not capable of making a phone call to anyone because I'm in such a dark place that I can't see any way out - and don't think anyone can help me.

I'm glad you ate something - I can believ you burnt your tongue because you are so accident prone! Hope you enjoyed your meal anyway xxx

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Feb 2017, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I know @Zoe7. I can't believe how accident prone I have become this year. And I'm not a fan of you walking around with a pin. Just imagine if you're at the supermarket and you think someone's head is too swollen! I can see the police getting involved then.
Yes I'm not sure if it's something that @niknikwwould do. But it might be worth having a private ph chat or email chat with her.
I'm currently watching 'one born every minute' - a show on the births of babies. I love this show. But I'm very judgemental when I watch it. I dislike the women who groan once or twice - say it hurts & then push out their baby.
I prefer the ones who birth like I did. Lots of groaning - complaining it hurts - changing our minds & saying we don't want to go through with it - speaking in tongues and generally being a pain in the bum. Lol
I really love this show.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor07 Feb 2017, 11:16 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Yeah maybe give the pin a miss - I've had enough of the police lately!

I'm not sure on your choice of tv programs - Married At First Sight and One Born Every Minute - I can't lie though - I have had Married At First Sight on at some stages in the background.

I am not staying up much longer - am starting to get tired and a bit less 'up' than I was so probably best to try and sleep before I get too low.

Hope you have a good day at work tomorrow and sleep well tonight xxx

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Feb 2017, 11:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sweet dreams @Zoe7. Talk tomorrow

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Feb 2017, 11:24 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

❤️💕 @Zoe7 .....

🤗💕 @utopia ....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor08 Feb 2017, 2:45 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia @BlueBay

Up in the middle of the night - can't sleep - nightmares - don't want to go back to bed but so tired.

Hate this

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2017, 2:50 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

I have started a new painting today. It's an overdue promise to someone here ..... and I finally got started.

I am not keen on the paints I am using. They are called acrylics but in practicality they are operating more like gouache .... but it's my mindset that needed to get with the program ..... I enjoy painting with gouache, but was disappointed because I was ready to work with the texture and result of acrylic.

Working it out tho .... posting a progress report on F&A ..... hope it inspires you to do one .... even something small, like a home-made card perhaps ?

❤️💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor08 Feb 2017, 2:57 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope looking good - can't wait to see the final result

You have a great eye for detail and perspective.

I'm too tired to do anything at the moment but I am really reluctant to go back to bed - really fighting the tiredness because of the nightmares - too distressing.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2017, 3:06 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Find somewhere else to park up in the house and rest for now @Zoe7 .... the couch with a pillow and blanket ? Try to keep the lights low so your brain recognises that it's still night time, but play some gentle music, or find something not too challenging on TV to play softly in the background.

Do you have any chamomile tea in the house ? That is good for restfulness too, or regular tea ....

Keep an eye on F&A. I'm going to post some photos from today, and then transfer the Oranges story and the Santorini images across from ANC to F&A ..... then I will start adding to the Santorini story.

That's the plan anyway ,...

❤️💕

Chat here too, if there is anything on your mind you want to talk about .... I'm all ears ... 👂👂👂

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor08 Feb 2017, 3:15 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope I'll keep my eye on F&A.

I'm not going to close my eyes if at all possible - don't want to sleep and don't want to have any more nightmares. Too much to deal with already and don't want to put myself in the position where I'll be woken up again and so distressed I put myself in danger - so am just going to try and stay awake - at least until it is close to daylight.

Don't want to bother you so you start posting the photos and start adding the Santorini story and I can follow that for a while.

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