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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:15 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Good morning @Zoe7. Sorry to hear that you didn't have the best night.

I'm very much looking forward to following Elsie and cat's adventures. They look like they're going to get up to some mischief!

I am muddling my way through the morning until I get to an appointment too. While I am sitting very firmly in the nest, I can hear you from here so if it helps to have company I am happy to hang about through the morning with you.

Hope there's some good in store for you today 🙂

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:22 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Morning @CheerBear

I can see you in your nest and appreciate the company this morning

Just trying to keep myself amused by following Elsie and Cat on their adventure and chatting to anyone who is around - so nice to have some of my friends pop in to keep me company today - distractions are what are needed this morning (and the occasional snooze when I can't keep my eyes open).

'Muddling our way though the day' seems to be on the agenda for us both today @CheerBear

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:25 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

😉 @Zoe7 .... ❤️💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:29 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Muddling together when not napping or frozen stuck sounds like a good idea then @Zoe7 🙂

What time is your appointment? Mine is in 2 hours and 4 minutes, not that I am counting 😉

Can I ask how Elsie and cat got to know each other?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:30 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Maybe I should look into becoming a private detective @Faith-and-Hope lol

The down side of 'remembering' the little things - and being able to make connections so easily - is that it can take a huge toll on oneself when those things are negative - memories are not just 'situational', they are very specific and detailed

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:41 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I understand @Zoe7 ..... I am highly visual, and my visual recall comes with sights, sounds, atmosphere, emotions ..... it's powerfully good in its positive form ..... I often come away with a s NDE of something in the moment without understanding what it was that I "read" in a situation, then revisit it in my mind with a more removed perspective and pick up the actual body-language, or innuendo, or nuance that I missed originally, but left me with an emotional tag to the time and place .....

Nice to talk to someone like this and know that I'm not coming across as weird .....

Make the positive version more powerful in your life wherever you can @Zoe7 ..... it compounds and creates healing, vibrancy, beauty .... like stringing seed pearls .... they seem so insignificant by themselves, but before you know it you have created something beautiful with them.

That is our gift as creative empaths ..... nurture your gift @Zoe7 ..... the pets travel thread is doing that .... wtg .... ❣

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:42 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@CheerBear Muddling and napping - yep that is our day buddy

My appointment is 4:30 and I am under very strict instructions from @utopia to be extra careful driving there after yesterday. I am allowed to drive straight there and straight home again afterwards - the clininc is literally 2 minutes away so I should be ok to concentrate to drive that short distance.

Elsie is @Former-Member's fur baby and Cat is mine. They met months ago when I wan't doing so well and Lunar brought Elsie with her into the Octagonal Room to visit. Cat and Elsie seemed to 'hit it off' straight away and one day they both 'disappeared'. They had taken a trip to Japan together (unbeknowns to Lunar and myself) - just a few photos to let us know where they were lol Since then they have been inseparable and are constantly travelling together. Lunar and I join them occasionally - but our schedules are entirely dependent on their itinerary and where the travel bug leads them

Alice ( @Mazarita's fur baby) is a bit shy - and doesn't come out of the Octagonal Room much - but she does keep in touch with Elsie and Cat and enjoys their company and travel stories when they are home

In response to: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 10:53 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

There's definitely worse things to be doing than getting through this way @Zoe7. I'm glad that you are going to take care of yourself with driving today.

Ooh I kind of remember seeing that Japan adventure now. I remember there being an incredibly cool cat carrying back pack thing which I had seen before because someone sent me a photo thinking I would like that for the kittens. Which I would very much, but I am not sure whether they'd like it that as much as me lol.

I've seen @Mazarita 's Alice before as well. She is beautiful. She's kind of majestic almost. I have a baby tiger that's been at my feet again all morning. It's a bit unusual because it's kind of a treat when mine allow me to touch them

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 11:00 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Yeah @Faith-and-Hope I totally get that! I'll often read 'more' into a situation that others don't (or can't) see and it definitely shapes my reactions and actions (both in the moment and at a later stage). It also means I dwell on things longer and try to see all sides of a situation or conversation - and this not only takes up a lot of 'headspace' but time Then, further down the track, I can recall that one word, sound, smell, facial expression, feeling, etc. etc. and I am back in that moment again. It is usually the 'negative' experiences that are emphasized - that is both draining and painful. I have 'survived' this long by shutting out so much so these thoughts and feelings don't consume me! That is the difficulty now - there has been so much unlocked altogether that I am struggling to stop this 'process' and the smallest little thing can send a tidal wave of thoughts and feelings rushing through me all at once (making connections that others wouldn't make) - a bit like snapshots of my life being played at super high speed in my mind but the feelings are in slow motion - such a dichotomy

It is refreshing that there are others that can see both the individual parts and the entire picture (like your pearls analogy) so clearly. So you defintiely aren't weird - it is both a gift and a curse though xxxxx

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 11:12 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

So your fur baby is now officially called Tiger @CheerBear

I will have to organise a bed in the Cat Corner for him/her - Tiger can keep Alice company until Elsie and Cat return - then oh the adventures they will get up to!!

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