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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

MazaritaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 11:44 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7, @utopia and all,

Just wandering through for a visit to The Octagonal Room, and, of course, to visit Alice the virtual cat over here in Cat Corner. Here she is again, for those who haven't met her yet. She loves to hide and just peek her curious head out from the corner to say hello. With a bit of coaxing, you'll have her brushing friendly past your legs in no time.

I've never visited Tasmania. It's the only state of Australia I haven't been. My companion was born in Tassie though, so I get some kind of ticket to the state that way. I do know it has a fascinating, sometimes chilling, history. And that it looks like a beautiful place. It seems like a special place in the world to live.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:00 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @utopia@Mazarita@Zoe7@Adge

I have been to Tassie more times than I can remember - I have rellies there and I have visited with them often - and they are getting old and frail now

I got the Easter Email - that means nearly everyone got the same email - I forget how many - and this scares me because it is my feeling that they are past getting around to sending cards as they used to - it bothers me a lot

I will be sending my one off email today or tonight - one-off means only they get it - I do believe in individuality -

What is the Octagonal Room? I am wondering a lot about that - with Alice and the virtual cat

All the best everyone - I hope everyone has the best day possible

Dec

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MazaritaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:07 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Owlunar, I hope you have the best day possible too.

The Octagonal Room is the ongoing project of @Zoe7 here in this discussion thread. She has even posted photos of some parts of the room earlier in the thread (but too far for me to find now). There are two real cats here, a dog and Alice my virtual cat (due to living in rental accommodation that allows no pets). Zoe can give you more of an explanation of The Octagonal Room. I think it is a place of sanctuary, where we are only kind to each other. There are also raucous TV nights I've seen where Zoe and others have watched trashy TV shows with their own forum commentary. I'm only recent to The Octagonal Room (this thread) but those are my impressions.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:11 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Mazarita

That rather sounds like fun - I must follow up a tag when I see one

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:14 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Mazarita. I bet your companion tells you lots of stories about Tasmania. If you ever get the chance to go there - do. Parts of Tassie like the Huon Valley in the south - look a bit like Ireland - with all that green grass.
@Owlunar - the Octagonal Room is here - it's where a few members like @Phoenix_Rising have their own safe corner. They can come in and feel safe in their corner. They don't have to participate in any conversation (if they don't want to) & they can feel part of the family here. Not alone. It's also the place we have parties.
@Zoe7 decorates the place - so that everyones individual corner suits that person.
zoe could probably describe it better.
The generic email - doesn't make me feel like they have really thought about me and what I'd like to hear about. Just a mass email to everyone. A bit like taking an ad out in the newspaper. No warmth.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:18 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@mazaita - you got that right. We watched trashy reality tv and comment what we really think. Reality tv 'stars' are the only people we get to make judgements on. Lol

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MazaritaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:25 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia, glad there's that outlet for judgement on the tv. I watched Married at First Sight in its first season. I felt so ambivalent while watching the first series but it was such a weird idea and kind of thrilling, I couldn't resist. But couldn't go there to follow it up with more. When I watch reality tv I feel sorry for the contestants. Ah yes, you reminded me that The Octagonal Room is a place I sometimes come just to sit with Alice the Virtual Cat too. Yes, a safe haven.

@Owlunar, looking forward to seeing your image when the moderator clears it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 12:30 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @utopia - thanks for the info - you are so right about the generic email - actuallly it does not bother me that they have not thought about me - I am sure they do - but they are ill and frail aged and my aunt fears to be left alone when my uncle passes - she said if when she spoke to me on the phone when my other aunt died -

I was going to Hobart hoping I would be able to visit them for a short time - like half an hour - and I was knocked back and that is something I can't handle really well - it's as you said - "they don't think about me" - and my uncle is like my big brother - and I am concerned

So to elevate that feeling I might try a phone call -

Hi @Zoe7 - can you tag me to the Octagonal Room - a good place for easy yarns and funny stories or a place to just wander into and leave some emojis

I have been all over Tassie - and boy some locals were odd - I stayed at Bicheno for a couple of nights and told two ladies at my table I was driving back to Launceston via Scotsdale the next day

These old ladies were shocked - a young German back-packer (girl) riding a bike had gone missing in those hills and they advised me not to go there - I told them I was 50 and had a reliable car and was used to driving in the bush and my relllies knew which way I was going and they knew I would ring when I got to Launceston

But that wasn't enough - I was a nice young girl - I was told - and please drive back to Hobart to my relatives place the next day

Of course I did exactly what I had in mind and I had a terrific day driving through those mountains

Thanks Utopia - I hope you are having the best time possible

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 2:02 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Ohhh @Owlunar. I have a bad story from St Helens - just north of Bicheno. Iwas hoping to get some seasonal work and was told about a job packing scollops - shells. They had been dumped in a forest and now needed packing to send somewhere in Asia to be made into tourist stuff. I was told I could walk to this forest. Was 5 bloody kms!! So I'm walking. No cars passing. No people. When all of a sudden this man pops out of no where - seriously nowhere - & starts walking along side of me.
My body instantly told me I was in danger. I listened to it. I kept looking straight ahead, hoping to see someone to help. No one there. In my minds eye - I could see all parts of my body and his. Where my elbow was in relation to his gut. How I could fight him off. He started talking. Instantly inappropriate stuff. I told him to go away. No.
Then he starts telling me he's never kissed a girl before and he'd like to kiss me. I was freaking out inside - but trying to look calm on the outside.
Pine plantations and forests were on either side of the road - as far as the eye could see. There was no one to help me. I knew I waa in trouble.
I made some remark about me being HIV positive (this was 1990). He disappeared then.
I was bloody lucky. When I got to the job site and told my story to some locals - the ladies said - you can't walk around here. It's not safe. People go missing. They drove me back to the backpackers at the end of the day. The next day I left town.

In response to: Am Not Coping

AdgeSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 2:11 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Mazarita I feel sorry for the contestants on reality TV too.

In fact I feel really embarrassed by their embarrassing moments.

I guess it can be really funny if you're able to distance yourself from the embarrassment or silliness - I don't seem able to do that well...

Adge

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