Am Not Coping

Oh bugger @utopia

Do you want to share your thoughts with me? Ok if you don't my beautiful friend xxx

I'm still feeling a little 'closed in' here - don't want to hurt anyone but can't cope the too much atm. Haven't wanted to ask for support as I heaven't wanted to be overloaded also with others' situations!

I'm good @Zoe7. Chatting with teej about it. Prefer just one person to discect it all, rather than having to repeat it and hear multiple views. Do you know what I mean? And it's on a CG site. So it's easier there.

I think you should chat with niknik or cherryblossom when they are back on. Think they could help you feel not so closed in. I think they'd have some good suggestions.

But I do understand what you mean. I'm not responding to posts much today. Just 2 old posts from new members that I was meaning to check in with or respond to. Everything else can wait til then.

How is Toby and Cat? He still your shadow? Am happy to hear about your day, if you want to chat.

@utopia Yep - know exactly what you mean - I am glad you have been chatting with someone though - and I am pleased teej has been there for you

I don't think I can chat to NikNik or Cherryblossom - really don't know what I can say - think I just need to deal with it somehow myself. It is a really tough one and every way I look at it - someone is likely to be hurt!

I have considered leaving altogether but I would miss my 'friends' here too much.

Toby is still my little shadow and Cat is good. It must be cold outside tonight because she has been inside since it got dark.

It has been very windy over the last few days and I have not coped with that at all well - slept a lot during the day and been up throughout the night. It has stopped but I am wide awake and it is dark - so not much sleep going to happen tonight.

@Zoe7. They may have suggestions that help. That's all. You don't need to use them. But waiting for the 18th - that's too long. You know?

And you have to stay on here. Even my psychologist wants to make sure I am still logging in here - whether as a CG or a member - he knows its a helpful way of not being too isolated and feeling useful at the same time. My family don't see it that way.

Did I tell you that my mum wants to talk to my psychologist. I said "go right ahead. He won't tell you anything, but you can talk to him about your concerns". Lol. When I saw him yesterday, she had not been in contact with him. I told him what she would say. And said how she doesn't think he knows the ful story. He laughed and said, that I tell him more than I tell her. lol. Maybe that's why she's so peed off. lol.

Am happy to chat for a while tonight.

@utopia It's more the 'other' issue we discussed - and that has been compounded by feelings of being alone and dealing with everything - and dealing with my pop's death is just part of it. All the 'other' stuff has been amplified by how I am feeling about the 'forum' issues - and that is a really tough place to be.

You definitely have to stay here - this is from a selfish point of view as well as a forum point of view - if I am going to stay I definitely need my friend here to - and the forum needs you

I didn't know you were seeing your psychologist - that probably shows how preoccupied I've been with myself. I understand why you would tell your psychologist more than your mum - I could only imagine how she would try to 'fix' things for you, rather than listening to you.

@Zoe7. If you only knew how she is trying to help me. Driving me nuts. She has a good heart, but her pitying looks and worried concern just freaks me out more. And if I hear her tell me one more time that I just need to find a job, and then I'lll feel heaps better = I swear I will scream.

You are going to have to give me a clue about the 'other'.

She doesn't get how hard it is to find a job then @utopia - so frustrating for you

I do hope you find something soon for yourself though - I can only imagine how tough it is trying to look after you and your son atm. Has there been any further developments with the lawyer?

The 'other' issue(s) is both what happened on here a couple of weeks ago - that I can't get out of my head - but I can't talk about here, and also what we talked about re: constant 'trigger' warnings and posts that just become overwhelming. We can jump to the other thread if you still don't have any idea what I am talking about!!!

Now I remember @Zoe7. My brain doesn't work well with memory when my mood is low. Bloody frustrating.

They or Lunar may be able to discuss it with you, to work through it a bit, and to feel stronger and safer here. I think it's a bit like exercise, that revolting word, where it's building up strength inch by inch. Hopefully you will get there soon.

@utopia I've stopped notifications from a lot of threads tonight and hope I don't get tagged again in some of them. If that does happen then I'll discuss it with Lunar or NikNik and see how I can approach the 'situation' so 'no-one' feels hurt by that. It is really difficult for me to hasve to take a 'step back' and not feel like I am hurting someone by doing that. But the reality for me is that I can't cope at the moment when a 'discussion' or 'situation' suddenly turns from being a 'chat' to someone suddenly being in distress. Then I feel like I can't support that person and can't ask for support myself so it is simply best to leave. I have tried just sticking to a couple of threads and talking with members that I am comfortable doing that with - but that gets really difficult when someone jumps in that doesn't know my 'story' or history on here. Do you get what I mean?

I totally get that @Zoe7, and I can imagine how hard that is ' to think you are on a safe thread, and then 'bam', someone types something that is way out of your comfort zone. And I guess it can happen on any thread. As you say, not everyone knows your triggers or your stories. But remember, it is okay to step away, Even if something isn't said, but you feel that maybe it might change. Step straight out. Trust your gut. Better to be safe than sorry.

The main thing is that you look after yourself before anyone else on this forum - including me. lol,

Self care is so important. It's doubly so when we are dealing with so many people here - all with different MI's.

You come first!!!