Am Not Coping

Goodnight @utopia ..... sleep well .... I hope you have had an okay day today, but I will be up for a while and can start to back-read when these bd's settle a bit more.

💙💤

@Zoe7 .... I saw 381 this morning and you seemed in good spirits then ... but perhaps a bit nervous about starting out with a new counsellor.

It sounded like you were caught a bit off-guard (384) in the appointment, but handled it okay in the moment ....

Did you get unsettled with after-shocks later ?

@Faith-and-Hope I really wasn't too good afterwards yesterday and early last night - the bonus was I slept. Then this morning I started out a bit relieved but then just got overwhelmed again the more tired I became the worse I got. I tried to keep distracted on here and tried to pick myself up by joking around but then - as always - the little things help the snowball to roll. By about lunchtime all I wanted to do was escape. I think I had about an hour or so when I did completely shut down and lost time - I really am not sure how much - I suppose if I look back over here when I posted I will be able to work it out from there. I am really worried about that because that means I really am not coping - and not just saying that I'm not. I really do not know how I am going to do this.

@Zoe7 .... you have already identified that when you are focussed on how big the problem seems to be, you become overwhelmed by it and fear sets in, right ?

That reminds me of the first time I can remember visiting a beach..... I got dumped by the waves ... and there seemed to be so many of them, coming one after the other .... and I remember that sense of panic.

What sorted it out for me was watching the waves for a little while, and starting to realise that they are not all the same .... some are big .... some are small .... some break early .... some break late .... and when I watched what better swimmers than me were doin, swimmers who were used to swimming at the beach .... I could see they were using strategies I hadn't considered possible ....

I'm sure you can see the analogy ....

Its going to be a combination of baby steps and other strategies @Zoe7 ...

In fact, this might be a brilliant opportunity to sort out an alternative career path for yourself. Remember the thought about hosting children's birthday parties ? There are possibilities here I am sure .... sometimes two part-time jobs can equal the income of one job ..... but if they are two jobs that you love doing, that could be a way forward.

I am guessing you are still stopped at the thought of another six months of seeming idleness,or at least too much time to overthink and spiral .... ?

I am not just thinking about another 6 months but thinking it may be longer. That is based on what has already happened over the last 6 months and I seem to be 'starting' again but with even more intense thoughts and feelings - and more ongoing than ever before. I have always had in the back of my mind something the psychologist said to me really early on - which I am sure I have told you before - that she doesn't think we will be able to go as 'deep' into the 'issues' as she would like to because of the coping strategies I have developed over so long. I really do agree with her - but where does thst leave me! I honestly cannot see this changing - not just saying this for the sake of it - I truly don't believe that I can do what is needed and come out 'the other side'. So where does that leave me - either stuck where I am feeling this way or right in the middle of all the pain and wanting out.

@Faith-and-Hope I am rational and alert tonight and this is really how I feel!

Okay .... I am hearing you @Zoe7 ..... but I am thinking that it's not that black and white.

Ideally it would be great to get to the bottom of it all, get it all cleaned out, and move forward with a clean slate.

If your psychologist is saying that she doesn't think that is possible because of the coping strategies you have developed, then that would suggest that you can get some areas sorted properly, and some not so much ... but that doesn't mean that those not so much areas will be as difficult to live with as they are in this minute, or once they have been stirred up. It is likely that the progress will be in chunks, for want of a better way of putting it .... and each successive chunk that is dealt with will leave you freer and in less pain.

There are members of the forums here who have reached a working relationship with their issues, and it is only under contingency stresses that they need some support, and even then, not indefinitely.

It sounds like you're thinking it's an "all or nothing" deal, but to me it sounds like there is a lot of middle ground.

Thanks for sitting with me here with this and for your very thoughout and thoughtful responses @Faith-and-Hope

I do hear what you are saying - I just don't see it happening.

I really am so tired of it all.

I think it might be best for me to not go any further with this and to not drag you in any further.

Thanks for being here though @Faith-and-Hope You really are an amazingly caring and compassionate soul

I think you need to talk out this concern, exactly as you have here, with your therapist @Zoe7 .... ask the questions that you have put down here as statements ....

"If my coping strategies are getting in the way of some aspects of treatment, does that mean I remain caught in limbo ?"

I think it will be a cleaner outcome than your fears are leading you to believe.

💜

@Faith-and-Hope I don't believe there is any way I can work through any of this - it is too complicated and too difficult. I can see only one outcome either way here.

There's so many reasons to try @Zoe7 and some of them are bigger than you. Please think about us too. You offer hope to so many here. We need you to try too. But most of all you owe it to you. You deserve to try. You may even succeed. 💜🤗

This is the big 'issue' here @Former-Member - I am so tired of worrying about 'everyone' else and suffering so much for it.