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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 3:41 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I knew I was RIGHT. I love being Right. Even better, I love being told I am RIGHT!!! I'm so full of myself. Lol. Just picture me with a big swollen head. Lol.
But I am genuinly thrilled for you. It's still not easy for you. I understand that. But it won't be so hard either. And that must be a relief. I know it is for me.
I pretty much love all people of this world. Some on this site, like you @Zoe7, I feel connected to. So those people I meditate on and really try to send out healing love. I know it may sound odd to some people. But that is how I feel. And I am comfortable putting that love, out into the universe for all. Or special energy to particular people who I think need it. To me, it seems like the same as prayer that @Faith-and-Hope and others may do. And I do it, because I can see your worth!!!
I have been where you are, and it's a frightening place to be. Even though, when in the depths of depressions grip, you may see no worth there, I do. Others do too. We hold you until you can see and feel it for yourself.
My dogs didn't get a bone today - like I normally give them. I was too late for the butchers. Seriously, all three of them are giving me the evil eye. I'm just trying to pretend I don't know what they are thinking. Animals are so perceptive and smart. But right now, I wish mine weren't so smart and didn't know it's Saturday - bone day. Lol
I'm trying not to look at Dog, who is next to me, making noises and sighs. Her way of telling me off

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 4:03 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh Shite!! I hated writing those words to you @utopia - I knew you would gloat and your head would swell

Making these connections is starting to become important to me also I really don't want to continue to struggle alone and be so miserable all the time - just holding on!

I am starting to get that there are people that are concerned for me because they do care and not let that make me feel like it is an imposition.

I know my GP definitely does and it is a very unusual relationship we have (does cross over some lines) but I think I'm becoming much more accepting and comfortable that it is this way because not only is she a great GP and a wonderful person but we do also connect on a another level (I'm sure that makes sense to you).

As for the wonderful people here - yes they do matter to me, and yes I will accept their help and support, and yes I am absolutely terrified of what is to come!!

No matter what way you or I, or anyone else, sees the world, or sends their love and hope for healing out into the world - there can be no right or wrong ways when it comes to ones beliefs and the benefits they bring to others xxx

Guess what my friend - I'm gonna go to the beach!!!!!!

Stomach is OK (just) and I'll have a painkiller for my headache!

The fresh air plus the sand and water under my feet is probably just what I need. You can't come because your head is too big to fit through the door still LOL LOL LOL

Catch up with you when I get back

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 4:27 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Lol. You B.... - I can't write that word here. Yes my head is too big to fit through the door. But I do love being RIGHT. And you are not the first person who has dreaded having to tell me that! Lol.
The beach will be fantastic for you and Toby. Enjoy the sand. Bury your feet. Feel the cool water as the waves wash up to the shore line. Yes I'm envious. Bugger!!!! Wish I was there. It's the one thing I miss from living in Melbourne. When I could just pop in the car - a short 5 minute drive - & the dogs and I were at the beach. My favorite time was late afternoon. Just before the sun set. Normaly acooling breeze coming off the bay by then.
I hope you manage to find a quiet spot - with few people - where you and Toby can jusy relax and simply be..
Yes, you are slowly learning to trust others. I think your gp is one such person you can trust. She is a Warrior Advocate for those that need it most. She is a pretty special woman. Boundaries are simply imagonary lines. Some need to stay on one side if the line- others like you and me, need to cross over occasionally. Receiving love and support from someone - has no borders or boundaries. We take what we can. And they give wgat they can. Borders be buggered.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 6:24 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia we didn't stay long - too many people and no really quiet spots to be on our own. I ran into my Principal with her dogs just after we got there! She asked how I was and I just froze. I actually didn't know what to say. I think my not saying anything for a moment said everything. She just said look after yourself and I said I would and went after Toby (who was already playing in the water).
Have a good time at your friend's tonight. I am really hoping tonight will be much better and I will be able to actually sleep - and you will also 😍

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 7:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. What a pity so many others were there. I guess that's what happens when the weather is good.
Taco's were yummy. Sitting outside having a ciggie and a smoke and a bourbon.
A beautiful night. I'll speak to you later.
Maybe a snooze on the couch wiuld be good.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 7:48 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I am now wishing I had stayed home. I was feeling ok before I went to the beach. Now I'm really flat again. This rollercoaster needs to stop. I can't go through another night like last night! I need sleep and I need some peace within. Taking Toby to the beach has always helped me - even in a small way - now I feel like that too has gone.

I've sent my GP a message - don't want to call her becsuse I wouldn't be able to talk. I am going to try to get some sleep and if I can't I'm going to need help.

I hope you enjoy the beautiful night outside with your ciggie and bourbon. Soak it all in and relax. You deserve the peace and tranquility xxx

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 7:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Lack of sleep will be affecting your mood @Zoe7 .... and even tho you have come back from the beach feeling flat, that bit of fresh air and exercise will have done your physical body some good .... you have to look after it too ....

Sleeping a bit during the day isnangood idea to help balance out your sleep debt .....

Take care @Zoe7 and rest well .... even if you find you can't sleep, distract ... distract ... distract ..... do something restful so your physical body can do its recovery ..... it's important .....

💜💐

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 8:59 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7. Did you manage to get any sleep? If struggling - try distractions like doodling - jigsaws, craft etc. Any time a self doubt comes into your head - push it away & focus on something else. Colour in. Scrub the bathroom. Something that will take more than 15 minutes - as it can take that long to move your focus from your negative thoughts & to the task at hand. Persevere with it.
Am right beside you

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sorry @utopia and @Faith-and-Hope I just don't have any energy to fight at the moment. I feel so sick and can't stop crying so I'm just going to do whatever I can to sleep tonight. I really need to stop feeling like this. I don't deserve to be treated so badly and hurt so much - I really don't.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Feb 2017, 9:46 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I hope you are sleeping with Toby right beside you & Cat nearby.
If not, I'm here. I'm home now. Had a nice dinner and fun chats. Watched a bit of a silly movie with my niece & we read her two readers & did her first word list. She knows "I". That's it. But that's pretty good for only 3 days at school. I was teaching her the word "and" - as it was a constant in her books. Eg- red AND yellow. Blue AND red. I can't remember even doing this when my son was little. Seriously - I think he just learned to read on his own. I can't remember sounding out words. Seems like a lifetime ago. And makes me feel old.

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