Am Not Coping

Morning @utopia It really was a long hard night and you and @Faith-and-Hope got me through. Yes she is an amazing woman and she does have a gift for calming people down and also helping them to just hold on

I had a couple of hours sleep - not much but at least I had some. As you could imagine - I'm exhausted today and I am going to just take it easy, not put any pressure on myself to do anything but rest. Anything else can wait!!

Hope you got those extra hours sleep in this morning and you are going to take it easy yourself today.

Hi @Zoe7

What a tough night - we all know I think - we have all had them - it is really hard enduring such hard hours when it's dark and we need to sleep - and in your case - made a little harder because of what you might do when you are half-asleep -

I missed your first post - I must have gone to bed - I go to bed late and don't always remember the time - but others were here so that is good - really good

I like what @Faith-and-Hope wrote about people's stories weaving their way through the forums - we all have our story - and we share parts of our stories - we link with other people and the whole exercise becomes a basket or a hammock or crossed hands to help lift the wounded being at the centre of their story - and we all do this and we all receive this -

Heaven knows I have endured a lot through my life - not an MI or SI or SH - but really tough issues that I have not had any control over - and my contribution often is that time does pass - things do change - we live and grow and this is a painful process

And although getting older is no fun at all - we do gain some peace - at least - I have in my time

So the stories - like all stories - have a beginning, a middle and an end - and ti was the ancient philosopher Aristotle who made this rather obvious comment - but it is true - so your story began and now we are somewhere in the middle - and you will reach a place of peace in time

I do remember terrible nights - mmmm - they can happen whatever we do

But about your thinking that you can't expect anyone to help you when you don't want to help yourself - wow - you may not see it but you have made a profound statement here - but we won't ignore you because you feel you won't help yourself - when you are in such a bad place it is the best place to start growing - and the best place to rest easy while others turn back your blanket - help you into bed and tuck you in and leave a night-light burning

Lots of hugs - you would be surprised how different things can be in the future - you just can't see it yet

Dec

Hi @Decadian Yes it was a really long and tough night to get through. I'm still not sure how I did - I was really on the edge a few times - I really don't know what I would have done without the support.

@Faith-and-Hope wrote so beautifully and honestly about how everyone's stories weave through each other, just as you have also done. I think for me it is finding that place where I can both support others and understand and accept that sometimes I need it also and that people are there to give it - and are willing and happy to give support - and that doesn't mean I am a failure.

The biggest issues I have are trust and asking for help. I have lived so alone and independently - and isolated myself from others for so long because of my fears and how much I have been hurt. Recently I began to trust someone and started to break down some of those walls after many years. The pain and hurt has just been compounded because of all the other things I am dealing with. I have already described it as just keeping my head above the small waves to catch a breathe for a moment and then a tsunami hit. So much all at once and on top of what I was already trying to work through.

Not sure that statement about not wanting to help myself was profound - I had simply nothing left at the time.I think the way you describe the blanket and night light is how I ended up feeling. I felt when the daylight came that I had been carefully wrapped in that blanket and the night light had merged into the natural light - and I was safe.

@utopia I sent bb a message earlier - I'm really hoping that we haven't heard anything because she is celebrating good news and that we can join her in partying later.

Really glad you got to the chemist in time - that would have been too long without them it it was closed!

Is that the same friend's dtr that you tool to the park the other day? The little preps are so cute - so excited and scared at the same time - I'm going to miss all that this year. The first week is usually such a lovely week because all the kids are happy to see you and you have some freedom to just get to know them a bit more without the constraints of all the other parts of the job. It's going to be hard to know that I want to be there but can't - yet another hurdle to get over this week.

I really do believe that last night could have gone the other way very quickly - there was one point when I literally begged for help (definitely not something I do). My expectations of getting help when I ask are pretty much non-existent in my life - so I just don't ask - and then I can't be let down. So to ask and then receive help last night is a novelty for me - but so glad it came.

Oh yes @utopia the unidentifiable tattoo that would be very identifiable!!!!!

I'm not a fan of pink either - but don't tell @Faith-and-Hope shhhhhhh!!!!

SCBS - suicide call back service - supposed to be 24/7 - guess what - there was no-one available and lifeline just made me feel worse

Lucky I had you guys

Guess what @utopia I think you may actually be right - don't fall off your chair (or your feet)!!! Last night was HUGE - in more ways than one. I did get through it, and I did ask for help, and I did accept help. As bad as I felt - I stayed!!! I'm not going to pretend that it is going to be easy but asking for support is soooooo hard for me and I have done that.

I even ate today - but now feel sick because it has been a few days. I may even take Toby to the beach a bit later as it is a really nice day outside and the wind has stopped - just need my stomach to settle now and my headache to go.

I am still working on accepting that others believe in me - really hard to do when you don't have the same belief in yourself and don't feel like you deserve it. Baby steps xxx

I really feel for bb - such a big build up to be disappointed today - we both know how that hurts (different circumstances of course but the let-down is similar). On the positive side for her there has been interest and I have no doubt it will sell at a price they are happy to accept very soon. Fingers crossed that it is in the next few days to relieve some of the pressure for her.

Cat's asleep so she doesn't care about anything at the moment. Toby is asleep on his blankie next to me - again

Wouldn't have wanted to be desperate last night (note the sarcasm here) re suicide service - not acceptable really.