Am Not Coping

@Zoe7Hugs and concern re your lungs and heart.

@Snowie I really do not know what I need right now - trying to sleep, not wanting to be awake to think but also wanting to do things for distraction that I cannot do because of my hand - really am in a bad place Hon but have to keep going for my fur babies and family. My sister just sent through some photos of her baby she found on her phone - so beautiful, such a cheeky little fella but gorgeous. It just is so unfair.

@Anastasia We have only known each other for a little while here Hon but I feel your love and that connection between us is strong - I value that and you dearly - so thank you fo rbeing you

@Appleblossom My health issues are a real concern but nothing I can do until I see my GP and have further tests. I already knew I had a heart murmur and asthma but the recent surgery brought up more issues with both the way my heart and lungs are functioning. They also found my blood oxygen levels are low which would explain my constant fatigue. So much to deal with presently with myself, Cat, sister and the rest of the family ...so keeping a lot from them all because they don't need more to worry about.

You have so much to deal with at the moment @Zoe7

Sitting with you sweetheart, knowing I can't do anything to help you but with you in spirit hun.

That is the thing @Snowie no-one can do anything right now - it is all just so unfair. I would give anything for my sister to have her little boy still with her and not be feeling so much pain. I can't help her either so not adding to their stress is all I can do. I will do everything I can for Cat and deal with my own health issues without any of the family knowing how bad it is because they do not need anymore pain. It has been this most of my life anyway - keeping them safe from things so I am used to it ...protect them from the worst as knowing things would destroy them.

It is so unfair hun, that you are trying to get through this all on your own @Zoe7

I can understand you trying to protect them, but then I worry about who is there to support you, with all you have to go through at the moment.

Lots and lots of love and incoming hugs 💕💕

My Mum and sister were so upset yesterday - especially my Mum. She is devastated for my sister as well @Snowie but her being so upset did not help my sister - I need to be that for her right now because she was already not doing well emotionally anyway. I know it is a lot but they have no idea the extent of my issues or anything I have been through. My sister knows now I am on a lot of medication and some of what they are for as I had to ask her to bring in the list for me to hospital - which included a brief summary of both my mental and physical health - and as a psychologist she is aware of many of the meds I take. She has not said anything to me though - but that doesn't surprise me as she has never been able to hear anything from me - tried to talk to her a couple of times and she has quite clearly said she didn't want to know. It is her way of dealing with it - what she doesn't know can't hurt her - I get that but it makes it hard to talk to her about anything. ...and right now she needs to be the focus because she is so very devastated.

It must make it hard to talk to her about anything @Zoe7 or talk to anyone in your family.

You show an enormous amount of strength hun just by protecting them and going through all that you are on your own.

I just hope that the support on here helps you through all of this and makes it a bit easier for you to cope.

More love and incoming hugs for you sweetheart.

It has been that way since I was a kid @Snowie I protected both her and my mother from my father as well as doing everything I had to in order to keep her away from the rest of the abuse. I shut myself away in my bedroom from a very early age so never really had much interaction with the family at home. My safe place was my grandparents and I would take every opportunity I could to stay there. There were times our mother took us there too when it got really bad but I would have already 'copped it' by then and would cry all night. My mother used to blame me - not intentionally but by saying I knew what he was like ...it was not at all fair but it was the only way she knew how to deal with it. So there was no way in this world I would have told her everything else - because that must have been my fault as well ...hard for any kid to know the difference hey. History just seemed to repeat itself then - violence was a natural part of growing up. I finally stood up to my father in my early 20s after yet another assault - which lead to me moving out but that came with even more issues with my ex and all that he was and did ...so being on my own and dealing with it all myself is both learned and safe - not ideal but it is the only way I know to survive.

Sorry to lay this all onto you @Snowie Please don't feel as if you need to respond Hon.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that growing up @Zoe7 Sometimes life just isn't fair at all. I can understand how hard it is going through that abuse growing up and trying to protect others from it.

Only recently did my mother find out what happened to me and only then, did she only find out a few details. I don't think she would cope with knowing everything that happened to me. I guess we learn from a young age how to protect others from what we went through. And that carries on throughout our adult life.

I know I don't know you in real life hun, but you are still one of the strongest and bravest people I know. You show so much strength within yourself and someone I admire so much.