Am Not Coping

@Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Zoe7, maybe I might clarify how I read the quote. I took the 'we are all nothing' part as a metaphor for how tiny we can feel as individuals in the vast cosmos. I took the 'we are all something' in the same spirit that @Faith-and-Hope suggests: that everything, even an atom, is something. But perhaps even more than that, I feel every one of us is meant to be here, perhaps simply because we are. We make up reality. The purpose of our lives is often not clear (perhaps never really clear). But for me that's part of the great mystery, a place I find faith. Hope that's not too philosophical for this time of night.

Nighty night, @Former-Member, great to chat with you!

Processing some stuff at the moment @Former-Member ..... thanks for your concern, but I am okay ..... maybe growing a head too big to fit through the doorways around here with all the lovely superwoman comments .... but whatever .... I have plenty of baby dragons spot sling off at me all day and remind me where I fit in the overall scheme of things .... lol ....

Goodnight .... sleep well ... ❤️💤

@Zoe7, @Faith-and-Hope, I am going to head towards bed now. Thanks for the company tonight. Hope you don't leave, @Zoe7, as I'm just starting to get to know what a lovely person you are. @Faith-and-Hope, you deserve all the recognition you get and more for the wonderful work you do on the forums. Nightie night.

@Mazarita not too philosophical at all - just hard to believe sometimes! That is really nice of you to say @Mazarita Sleep well

@Faith-and-Hope I haven't been around lately and haven't been reading much when I have been so didn't know you weren't travelling so well yourself

Goodnight @Mazarita .... I hope tomorrow is an easier day than you have had lately. I am glad you picked up a bit this afternoon.

Stay cool ❣

😴💤

It's really late @Faith-and-Hope you should try to get some sleep too

I am hoping that you have fallen asleep @Faith-and-Hope. Thanks for keeping me company - again I really apreciate it.

Hopefully catch up with you later...

Zoe

Oops ... dozed off mid-post .... I am hoping you managed some sleep last night. It's still early here and I might doze off again in a minute, but I just wanted to finish this post to let you know why I didn't respond. I don't want you thinking it was because your question troubled me, which it didn't.

We have a transparency here that allows us to call a spade a spade, and we all learn from each other's situation in the process of providing that listening ear .....

@Zoe7 .... every now and then the strain of our situation catches up with me. Then I have to increase my self-care and take time out to process how I am feeling .... exactly as you have been across the last few days, but I guess in a less distressed way because this is our eighth year now, and we have developed a "working relationship" with WH's illness.

It is not ptsd we are contending with, and pretending the illness doesn't exist has become our defence against it. We don't have triggers as such, just closer encounters with it at times, and that can catch us off-guard while we work out what to do with that encounter.

The secrecy that we uphold around our situation, and the lack of need to defend himself while the threat of exposure is not ever-present, at least not from us, has allowed WH to relax, perhaps as much as he is able to .... which has given us good times along with the incongruency of this strange game of charades.

What has made it possible to continue this way is also strange ... his analytical mind is the last thing to be affected, so people as ill as he is can present well to the outside world. They can carry on their business affairs as usual, which is what has been happening.

Until he becomes too strangely gaunt-looking for this to pass as an admirable self-discipline over an admirable health routine, or suffers far more advanced cognitive interference, there is nothing to indicate to others that the illness has taken hold and is progressing.

I am beginning to see signs that his control over this facade is slipping, and that is disconcerting, but also necessary to reaching diagnosis and treatment.

On Monday morning two things occurred within a few minutes of each other. I woke up to the doorbell ringing. It was someone who had come to restrict our water supply owing to an unpaid bill ..... along with several warnings about legal action and water restriction, of which I was unaware. Then, in the midst of trying to work out bpwhat to do about that, I received a phone call from D1 .... they had narrowly missed being involved in a serious traffic accident on their return from down south and they were okay but a bit shaken up.

Anyway ... long story short .... the water supply wasn't restricted .... the bill got paid ... D1 and SIL recovered from their shock ... I made dinner and took it over to them .... lalala ....

Then I had to work through my feelings about it all, and separate one event from the other, and that leaves open the fact that WH is dropping the ball with his management of household and business affairs and I have to work out how to apply some sort of safety net.

D1 has offered to do some clerical work for us whole she job-hunts, and what WH sent her was another indication that things are slipping .... the paperwork was not collated. This meant the task she was being asked to do was not only much larger than she had allowed for, but would not fit the time-frame that was being allowed for either.

Another long story short, it will be dealt with, but it means we need to start gearing ourselves up again to field whatever is coming next on that front.

Perhaps you can see that the e.d. can't remain hidden indefinitely, and we can't predict what will happen. We can only continue to take things moment by moment .... day by day .... in baby steps.

And I have to remember to breathe .....

Counting on you to help remind me .... ❤️💕

@Faith-and-Hope Firstly -

Secondly - I thought you must have fallen asleep - and I am pleased that you did I never for one minute even considered that you were just not answering a question - I know the 'relationship' we have we can be totally honest with each other and that includes being both supportive and giving each other a little 'kick' if needed too.

I don't believe that your situation (or any one else's for that matter) is more or less important - whether there is ptsd, triggers etc. involved. Everyone here is trying to 'deal with' MI in some capacity and it is equally valid for each and every one of us.

In regards to your present situation - it does sound like things are starting to get to a really crucial point for you and your family and I suspect that it is actually more difficult for you to stay on top of 'things' and to 'deal' with it all emotionally than you are letting on! Tell me if I am wrong but please also be honest about it because I will be here to for you either way - and I will remind you to 'breathe' when you need it.

Whatever happens here - on the forum - for me there is one thing I do know - you and a few others - will always be in my thoughts and I will do everything I can possibly do to support you along the way. If that means just responding directly to you guys and ignoring all other posts (for my own well-being) then that is what I will do - I do hope it doesn't come to that though and I can work through this and get back to where I was before this all hit me.

...but for today my dear friend ... just breathe

Thanks @Zoe7 .... I knew you would understand.

There is all sorts of smaller stuff going on too .... we have so many variables at play that that is always going to happen ....

S2 and D3 are firing off at each other a bit, the strain is showing up in both of them ...

S2 is still struggling to engage with uni because he is emotionally fatigued and WH is holding threats over him (it was the threat to kick him out of home if he failed units at uni, now it's changed to getting him a job as a TA in a friend's business) .....

D3 is worried about her brother and angry that I am not controlling him ..... at which point I have been able to point out to her that adult relationships are not about controlling each other ... so teaching opportunities like that are cropping up along the way. She has only witnessed co trolling behaviours from WH and our in-law family for so many years now. She was so young when this controlling form of the illness kicked in that that is all she can remember.

While they are difficult in the moment, these are gains in fact.

❤️