Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @BryanaCamp @outlander @MDT @TAB @Former-Member @Sans911 @Snowie @Adge @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Owlunar @BlueBay @Teej @CheerBear @Bunniekins and all following along...

I had a really difficult conversation (actually 2) with my mother last night. I didn't wnat to mention it here until I had talked about it with my pdoc today. The basis premise of the conversations was that she wanted to complain to the department about the process that was undertaken when I returned to work last year. As you can probably all imagine this did not sit well with me. It is a time of my life that I got through and could hold my head high at the end of it despite how difficult and confronting it was.

I told her I didn't want to be involved in that r for my name to be associated with it. Her response was that they would put 2 and 2 together anyway. Basically she was asking for my permission to make the complaint and I was not comfortable with that. She called me again later in the night to see if she had upset me - which I said she had a little but I was over what happened last year. She continued to talk about it and I had to ask her to stop. She began crying and said she just cared about me to which I responded that it wasn't her experience to deal with and although I know she was very angry that I didn't want her to do anything more about it.

Talking through this with my pdoc she asked the simple question - does your mother often make it about her - which I had to answer yes. There have been so many times in my life that things have happened and she turns it inward upon herself and does not let me have the emotions I need around things. She did that so much when I was a kid and my father was violent towards me - somehow it was my fault because I should have known better or I 'knew what he was like' and then she would cry herself whilst no letting me do the same. Last night I felt like that child again until I rather assertively told her NO. SHe agreed to not take it any further and I honestly hope that is the end of it.

The fact that it came on the same day as I had had that positive discussion with the AP and Principal also made me feel that nothing in my life can be good on it's own and that there is always something that can squash those good feelings. This is something I need to continue to work with my pdoc and psych on - as well as the long term affects my relationship with my mother has had on me and why that equates to keeping so much to myself.

Self-care badly needed this afternoon. I am officially finishing DBT up in 2 weeks and although I need to I also know that is one support that I will no longer have. I will be continuing to see my pdoc fortnightly (weekly if I need) for some time before we begin to stretch those appointments out a bit more as well. She is worried about the upcoming possible change of school again, how I am coping with some things and my tendency to revert back to SI when things are really hard. I have definitely not been letting on here how tough it has been over the last month or so but SI has been prominent again. I am really hoping that finishing DBT and having that break in the middle of the week will help with my energy levels and coping mechanisms for the remainder of the week.

As the AP said to me last week - hour by hour and day by day - that is all I can do.

She is the school business manager at that school @TAB and part of her role is staff management but I do not believe she would be wanting to do it if it was any other employee.

Hey @Zoe7 . I’m not feeling confident with words just now (I have my psych appointment soon today too) but just wanted to say that there are so many huge steps you are taking now (moon landing ones) that will have a big impact for your future. It feels really big reading it from here.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

Thank you @Teej Not feeling much that way today but I do understand that I have taken some massive steps. Been a really tough month or so though - I don't let on here just how tough - put one foot in front of the other and get through it hey!

Goodluck with your appointment Hon. You are making some massive steps also and I do love reading about how well you are dealing with things and finding the who within yourself

This is why I have so much trouble talking about things that have happened - even now @Sans911 It was always such a 'secret' as to what was happening in the family and if I couldn't do anything about that then why would I ever be able to do anything about anything else in my life. I have so many unresolved feelings around my mother. I know she gave me everything I needed - food, clothes, shelter, experiences to many different things, etc, but I have never been able to get passed having to live with the violence within the family. I have confronted my father about it and put that part in the past. I know my mother does not think very highly of herself and find it hard to do anything that would upset her - I really don't want that for her - but it does make me have to keep things to myself as well. This has been a long term pattern which began in childhood but she is my mum and I don't want her to be unhappy. I know us kids make her happy but I also need to be able to live my own life.

I do keep getting those inspirational messages from so many on here @MDT and it is certainly a message that I can return to you all. Members on here inspire me everyday with how they get up and get on with 'it' each day. We are all in this fight together ...and if just a little of my story inspires others then that is a real positive out of what is often not so much for me. I do know that I have taken some major steps forward - just as you have buddy - but some days it does not feel like that.

Something @Teej wrote to someone else on here the other night - and something my pdoc said to me today - really put things into a little perspective. Both alluded to how very unwell I was a couple of years ago and neither would have been surprised if I had not made it out of that darkness at the time. Teej felt much as I did - it was way too hard and way too painful and that the best way to deal with it all was to opt out. ...but I made it through and now here I am - working again! I think putting it into words as my pdoc and Teej did over the last few days has also made me realise how lucky I am to still be here - and that is something!