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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 3:30 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope So nice to have your quick hi here when I got home I know it is your busy day today so taking that little bit of time to come on here is super sweet

@Sam3 I do hope I can make it and it is a nice evening. At the moment I am not feeling well enough to think past today though. Hope you are having a good day at work and it is feeling more manageable the more you get to know the place

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 3:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I have been to my GP and discussed my continued headache with her. It could be a combination of me not having one of my night meds for several days, some difficult nights with nightmares and waking up several times and possibly some tension in my neck. I have pain killers to help me over the next couple of days but if it gets worse or doesn't go away soon then I am to go back and see her. She hopes (as do I) that I am not coming down with something as there are some viruses going around with similar symptons. I have already had the nausea and that seems to have lessened but light and loud sounds affect me. Going to be another early night - will take night meds early again and try to sleep. Hopefully having my other night med again will help too.

I need to get a few things organised for work tomorrow but struggling to focus. Hoping the pain killer kicks in soon and at least gives me a little respite for a couple of hours. It is stressing me a little that I can't get things done - and it is such a beautiful day today but I can't enjoy it - small things I know but frustrating all the same. At least Toby and Cat have had me home more today and have ventured outside into the sun for a while (Cat longer than Toby of course - he is still my little shadow lol).

On a positive note - only going to see my gp fortnightly now - so one week will be pdoc and the other gp. Also only going to see my psych monthly. This is all good news and moving in the right direction for even longer times between visits. I don't feel like I need that ongoing support as much now so happy that all my support people have brught it up and they are happy to space out appointments more - that is definitely a good sign that they can see how much progress I have made ...and it is encouraging that I feel that progress too

@Faith-and-Hope @Sam3 @eth @Appleblossom @Snowie @Sans911 @MDT @CheerBear @Teej @Former-Member @Former-Member and all following along.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 4:55 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hoping the pain meds help with your headache @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Meds have helped take the edge off but it is still there @Snowie They certainly make me tired but I still need to get things prepared for work tomorrow. My little fluffball has been giving me cuddles whilst laying down - he really is adorable

How are you going Hon?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:31 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Glad Toby has been giving you cuddles @Zoe7

I am not going so great, been a hard few days with some appointments being difficult.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:43 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Tough appointments stay with us for far longer than we want them to @Snowie - especially when you have more than one of them in a row. I hope you can find a way to sit with the feelings and then let them pass Hon. It is certainly not easy but you have come so far already so I know you can do it. Have the appointments affected your sleep? That is the first thing that I find is affected - especially nightmares returning and even when they are just for one night it feels like I have gone backwards again even though I know that isn't necessarily the case.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I get a headache if I don’t have coffee for a day or two @Zoe7 ..... hopefully it is linked to the med withdrawal and starts to taper off for you.

💚

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:52 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @Faith-and-Hope , @Zoe7 , @Snowie , @Sam3 , @eth

I need a coffee

ohhhh where do I start ,

ok , my uncle is not good , monday night the family was called in as it was going to be the last night , ---- he made it through the night but still not good

next my mum on monday night in the big hospital recovering from hip surgery --- doctor rang me to say that mum might need a blood tranfusion ---- tuesday did not need a blood tranfusion

mum has been tranferred to our local hospital last night for the rest of the recovery time , she is in a panic today as she is getting all the signs of another bowel obstruction

Me , have to have my blood pressure tablets increased, and more diabetes medication , saw endocrinologist , doctor and kidney specialist next week

yesterday I had a throat scan and ultrasound , get the results next week

last night had pain all down the left side of my face , did not go until lunchtime today

Mr Shaz had his physio on monday , went ok , the shoulder has been clanking ever since -- another physio next monday , shoulder sore now

Mr shaz appt with the Mental health doctor yesterday --- lots of questions, mr shaz did not like that

the doctor has put him on new tablets ---- he is worried now about that , and he is not looking forward to other meetings or therapy

and talk about pressure -- the doctor asked him how he is coping --- mr shaz said "That he watches me , as I don`t seem to worry "

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

haha the power of coffee @Faith-and-Hope

I will be back on the med from tonight - it may take me a couple of days to adjust to it again but hoping it won't be too much for me to deal with. I suppose I will find out tomorrow how it goes. I will take all meds early tonight though to get to bed early - need to be at work a little earlier on Thursdays as I have a morning duty.

Have you finished for the day Hon?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor27 Feb 2019, 5:58 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

My sleep has been affected @Zoe7 , waking up with nightmares too. Still waiting on the results from my MRI too. I am hoping that no news is good news.

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