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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 8:37 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @CheerBear@Zoe7

tiday I have a Chiro appt. then a wax appt. then going shops eith D and Ayla (always love spending time with them)

then a 2pm appt with my doctor.

Today is 28 degrees. But tomorrow is going to be 42 degrees. I’m glad I’ll be at wirk then home with air con. Too hot to do anything else.

Hope you both have a nice day. ❤️❤️

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 8:42 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sounds like a pretty OK day @BlueBay. We have the same weather so I'll try and get all the need to do things done today ready for a day in the air con tomorrow.

Hope you enjoy going out with D and Ayla ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 8:45 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

haha - snap @CheerBear Thinking I might try to start sorting out the garage as well today if I can get enough energy up (and it isn't too hot in there) If I open the garage door I should get some breeze coming through (as long as it isn't a hot breeze) - will have to see if I have enouogh energy though.

@BlueBay It is going to be high 30s here tomorrow too so an inside day with air con on is most likely what I will do tomorrow too. It will be good being at work where it is cool for you. Goodluck with your appointments today and have fun with your D and Ayla

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 8:51 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Just caught your post on Far and Away @Zoe7 and saw the garage plans. I have garage organising to do very soon too, but spiders 😖 big shudder.

I'll add 'mow the front yard' to my list, probably first up this morning as the grass is growing so quickly at the moment. Our landlord lives only a couple of streets away and loves drive bys to check the house out 😑

Better practice some discipline and balance and get a start on these jobs. I might use forum time as a bit of a reward for finishing tasks today.

Hope you have a good start to your day today ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 9:07 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I love that you are in the loop with my Far and Away posts too now @CheerBear - gives me a little extra lift to know that 2 of my favourite people are across what is happening for me. I tend to post more detils to F&H so she has something to read when she comes on - told her I would post every day and so far I think I have done that at least twice a day - and very much hoping she is getting pleasure from reading also.

I might even do some painting today if I need to spend more time inside than out. The peacock painting is beginning to take shape the more I do (funny that lol). I purchased some new paint brushes and art tools yesterday with my art voucher so can get some more of the background done now - looking forward to using my new stuff and not improvising as the improvisation didn't give me the effect I wanted. Hoping I do get some more done today.

I saw on the other thread that you bought some new bathers - go you - and first pair you tried on that fitted and felt comfortable - major win. I wear a tankini, rashie and board shorts even to the pool - like to be more covered up - makes me feel less vulnerable. I also need to be covered up in the sun as the side effect of one of the meds is I burn really quickly (even with sunscreen) - so need to be really careful. It also means I can't be out in the sun in the main part of the day as it is too dangerous (and uncomfortable) for me - I start to swell and itch and need to apply the special cream I have and that takes time to work. ....but it is a pay-off of the meds working that I am okay with - would rather be more stable than being okay in the sun.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 11:44 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm back after two loads of washing are on the line and another is in the machine, and the front yard and nature strip are mowed, whipper snipped and swept up. I also moved around some plants so one of mine has a wall free for ball games they're enjoying at the moment. Quick forum stop as a reward to myself for doing that much so far 🙂

I think if was F&H I'd be loving the updates and the sense of ongoing connection across countries @Zoe7 ❤ I'll keep an eye out on that thread now. I've not wanted to 'intrude' but am interested in keeping up so it's nice to know you're ok with followers.

Great to hear you've been painting and have new brushes. Is it going to be a forum shareable one? I was saying to @outlander that I'd like to pull out my pencils and fineliners soonI think. I can't draw to save myself but I love doodling and found some cool ones to try on Pinterest this morning. I think the idea of playing with them has me more motivated to do stuff today so I can guilt free enjoy it later.

Sounds horrible with the sun and the meds 🙁 I'm lucky to have skin that doesn't mind the sun but I have a very pale crew who turn into crispy beetroots easily so we won't go out in it when it is too sunny. Beach might have to be put off for another day as the time is already getting away from me today and the sun is very, very sunny now (funny that one also ).

Hope the day is going along well for you and everyone ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 12:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I was actually thinking that some people might not be on the Far and Away thread to give F&H and myself that space but I am sure that F&H would love that connection too. It must be so hard for her being on the other side of the world and not being able to post - so any updates we can give her will hopefully make her feel more connected to us @CheerBear

My sister came around to drop off my pjs that my mum changed for me and she also bought me another top that looks so me - I haven't tried it on yet but hoping it does fit. It is black with little red and white flowers and green vines on it - it really is quite pretty (which is unlike me lol) but definitely hoping it fits.

We are likely to go to the beach this evening and maybe have a BBQ at my sister and her partner's block. It has a shed converted into a shack with a working kitchen and bathroom - so it is quite comfortable there. We will see how the day goes though as it is already getting very warm. Tomorrow meant to be mid - late 30s here so will definitely be an inside day.

I do still need to go to the supermarket and you will everything you have achieved today is inspiring me to get moving again soon. That is a massive effort for only a short time CB - go you 👍

Toby is comfortably sprawled out on the couch and Cat is outside sitting under her tree in the shade so both fur babies are happy. So all good in the Zoe household - just need to get sorted myself now!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 1:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Your top sounds very pretty @Zoe7! My new bathers are black with flowers and that skirt. Pretty also (and pretty unlike me too 😉😆).

Sounds like a great way to spend the afternoon/evening if you get there. It's been heating up throughout the day here too and although the temperature isn't that high, it is feeling very warm.

I've vacuumed and tidied the inside of the house (not the bedrooms as that's a big one) and am feeling great about the sparkle. Friend offered to come around with his big car and pick up some stuff as he's making a tip run, so the garage is happening here this afternoon. I don't feel up to it now at all but have to take the chance while it is there. I feel a crash tonight happening already!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 1:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

haha @CheerBear I feel a crash coming tonight also lol

Hopefully I get a bit more done before that happens but already starting to feel quite lethargic - not tired as such but lacking a bit of energy to keep going this afternoon. Might be a good time to put my feet up for a while and watch some of the tennis.

I think a beach trip may be off the cards but will wait until later and see how I feel then. Toby would certainly love the run in the (shallow) water on this warm day but the inside of my house is still relatively cool - perfect inside infact but will need to put air con on later I suspect as I have the doors and windows open to let in some fresh air.

I have also put some washing on myself this afternoon and will pick up Toby's toys that my sister's dog spread out everywhere - he is super cute but does make a mess lol

Haven't heard from my friend today but I know he was prepping the walls to paint last night so suspect he is doing that all day today. It is a strange feeling to actually want to hear from someone - very new to me

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 Jan 2019, 3:10 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm running out of steam now too @Zoe7. Garage emptier and friend off with boxes and stuff of ours. I faced my spider fear and did it quickly to get out of there! So thankful friend offered as I would have had to wait for mid year hard rubbish.

If you don't go to the beach will you still go to a BBQ?

Smiles at you wanting to hear from your friend 😊. Do you chat each day? Mine is one who texts or calls lots. It is too lots for me sometimes, though he means well and I am able to say when it is too much. We joke about him being a 'together' person and me being an 'alone' one. I think that's been one of the harder things to navigate for me throughout this as I'm comfortably used to not having another adult around now.

I'm still planning on getting pencils out later but maybe with some company during the cricket (need to check there if there is a televised game on). Friend is pretty sporty which the littler one of mine loves. They muck around with balls and outside games and it makes my heart a bit 'nawww' to see.

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