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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 9:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Phoenix_Rising You know how to jump from one thread to another - open multiple pages on the computer so you can reply quickly - just like Friday Feast lol

@utopia I haven't even asked you howit went at the Neurologist - so - How did it go at the Neurologist (I presume they found your brain?)

@Former-Member Toby is a cheeky little devil - like mother like son lol I am hoping that my housework can get done by staring at it also - don't like my chances but I can still wish.

I do like to read but haven't done much lately. I starteda book a while ago that began to get too intense so I put it down and haven't picked it back up. I don't get much chance to read (just for pleasure) when I am at work because there is so much 'paperwork' to be read.

@Former-Member - read it - no triggers just love for you little buddy

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 10:13 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

thats what i do too @Zoe7 or i have my emails open and it pops up in notifications and i go through them that way.

@utopia yes i just rememebred that too, please do share if you feel up for it

im glad it was trigger for you Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:17 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I hope my 'brain' comment didn't offend you. If it did I am really sorry - a bad joke.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:27 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. They found my brain last year when they did the CAT Scan & then the MRI. How cruel you are. Although as @Phoenix_Rising would probably remind me - I have watched alot of MaFS - so the brain might be there - but not wworking.
I have to go back and see the Neurologist in 6 weeks. In the meantime they are organising more MRI Scans at their Hospital - not my country hospital. St Vincents has better MRI machines that will do a more thorough job. I like the Neurologist. She is their stroke and migraine expert. She thinks, just by reading the old MRI report from my old hospital that most likely I had a stroke a month before my scan. She said I am at high risk for strokes - overweight, smoker, drinker etc. But she didn't lecture me. She said it's good that I'm already on blood thinners. And they can - if it looks like a stroke - do something about preventing them. But she does also want a second scan due to FibroMyalgia & other nerve conditions that run in my family. She will also organise with my gp to get my thyroid rechecked - as it was high & we have family with Yokomoto disease. She will ask my gp to check up on possible rheumatoid arthritis in my hands - she was impressed by the bends my little fingers now have.
So she was pretty thorough in her examination.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:36 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I did tell you I was tired didn't I - and an essay anyway - that's the @utopia I know and love lol

It is such a relief when you realise they are being both thorough and non-judgemental.I'm surprised you weren't sitting there witha ciggie in one hand and a bourban in the other (just to hekp with the anxiety of course lol)

...and I FORBID you to have any more strokes (of any severity) - I need you around and you need to be 'well' to deal with me!!!!!!

I do sincerely hope allthe tests come back ok though. I have to have another round of blood tests - was supposed to go today but didn't have the energy - I'll try for tomorrow before my GP appointment - no rush to have them done as long as we have results by next Wednesday. Next Thursday is my first psychiatrist appointment so need all up-to-date results on Wed so they can be sent through beforehand.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 10:40 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

hey guys, just a quick question as i know everyone is on this thread.

my butterfly necklace that i brought 2 days ago... remember that one....?

the inside of the wings where the little gems are broke . im really hoping prouds will replace it or give me a refund considering i only wore it today and as i was taking it off noticed it was missing. do you think they will replace it?

@utopia sounds like they are doing a really good job looking after you, seem like your in good hands with the medical professional you have

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:44 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I don't really know what we are talking about, I just popped in because @utopia tagged me. However I agree with @Zoe7, all strokes are definitely banned. There will be no more strokes. The turtle has spoken!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:44 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member If it has broken - and you are not responsible for it directly - it is a manufacturing problem and they have to replace it or give you and refund. So take it in andshow them and if they argue thepoint with you then there are other avenues you can go down - but I'll tell you about those if they refuse to replace it (which I'm sure they won't).

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I was going to write the exact same thing @Zoe7. That you can tell I'm feeling better by the size of my posts. And people say size doesn't matter! Lol.
Yes I'm glad she is going to be thorough. Will get a picture of the Hippocampus area of the brain too. I think that's the area for memory. Lol. Not trying to make a joke. But I am trying to remember where the memory area of the brain is. If you don't laugh - you cry. Better to laugh.
That's good you'll gwt your blood test tomorrow. Wow. Next Thursday. Finalky the appointment. You must be feeling relieved. Actually I shouldn't presume anything.
How are you feeling about seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 10:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

All hail the Turtle!!!! @Phoenix_Rising

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