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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 8:41 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thankyou @Shaz51

I just wish I could be good company for everyone!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 8:52 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. That's because your brain won't let you see the truth - when you are depressed. The truth is - your principal and HR know about your striuggles. Yiur gp and psychologist know about your struggles. And all of us here know. And we do all care. Those of us here have personal experience with MI & we can empathise or know how you are feeling. We have been there. And with the prevalence of MI - your HR manager, Principal, GP and Psychologist are likely to have had a friend or family member go through similar. Unfortunately it's the nature of the world. But it does mean that they can empathise. And genuinely want the best for you.
I know we haven't been talking for long. A month or two - but we have a lot of similarities - so there is that connection there. I know how much I have hurt - when I have been low like you . And I hate the thought of anyone going through the pain I went through. Just like you would not wish your pain - on anyone else.
So try and tell that negative self talk to .... bugger off.
Did HR confirm with your gp that you will get one more pay? Was that one of the good news bits today?
I'm sitting on the couch with you and Toby right now. Just keeping you company or giving you a shoulder to lean on.
I'm not a cat fan - so Cat is outside .

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 8:53 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

You are good company my friend @Zoe7

and it is really good when you have special close friends like US

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember03 Feb 2017, 8:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello my dear @Zoe7

Thank you for the lovely post. Existing is enough for now - you took that first step, that first push. I too am currently existing. My daughter has to go for a brain scan as she has all the symptoms of disease MS (just found out yesterday), and my husband has to undergo extensive heart tests as it is looking like he will need heart surgery. Also the premises we found for the charity I work for was knocked back by the head of the board (she just wants to throw the towel in ) and is acting like a dictator. And for the last 10 months I have had to endure constant noise from arrogant neighbours whom are renovating at all hours.....It's been quite stressful and getting worse. And I am existing today - that's enough.

When we are going through that dark tunnel we won't see that light - it's just about believing it's there waiting and moving towards it. Walking blindly through. That's why sometimes we need to trust and listen to those who can see it for us. Trust your GP and keep going. One day at a time. It will all work out in time. And look how fast it goes - a blink of an eye. It will pass and if we keep pushing through one day we will reach that peace. You aren't walking through that tunnel alone. I feel exactly like you. Hugs 💕🌹

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 9:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia No didn't even ask about pay - couldn't even think when she rang me - could barely talk. The second time she rang I was still crying (and she knew it). She was trying to organise the psychiatrist. Got a call shortly after to offer me an appoinment late in May. the referral went through beginning of December and they said they rang me to offer one in March - that was bullsh*t because I actually rang them and they said all they could do was put me on the cancellation list and it would be at least end of Feb or March. At first they told my GP they didn't even have a referral and she confirmed that it had been sent (by fax) and they had infact replied to her and she had a record of it. I already have an appointment early in May with someone else and I just wanted to tell them to F*ck off - so unprofessional - how could you trust anyone there if that is how they operate.

My Principal sent me a text to say that the HR Manager had been in contact with her and filled her in. Someone has been organised already for the class and all the parents of the kids were called today to notify them. Principal (and not sure who else) have moved my personal things into a room to store for me. Said I would try and get there over the weekend to pick up a few things but that it was day by day at the moment and not sure if I'd make it. She said not to worry about anything just concentrate on getting better. If I don't grab some of my things I will be worried about what will happen to them so I really hope I can make it over the weekend.

Just need to worry about money now. GP is still going to try and puch this along in regards to the paperwork for my income protection. My power bill came today - one more stress I didn't need.

Cat is already outside - so your safe there - and Toby is on the couch on his blankie x

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Never been a cat fan. Sorry. Just don't tell Cat. Otherwise she'll start hissing every time she sees me.
Just take it day by day. If you make it to work to pick up your things - that's good. If not, they are safe there and you'll get them another time.
It sucks, having to wait for psych services and then hearing their bull dust lies. And we are the ones that need help. Really!!!
I'm going through all those lies with my super income protection insurance. So I know the frustration when people / organisations tell such lies.
Why people can't make things simple and logical - I don't know. But trust me - your gp is going to kick butt until she gets you help. She won't let you down. She's like a mother Lion, protecting her cubs.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 9:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

❤️💕 @Former-Member .....

@Zoe7 .... some days are just for breathing through .... that's the agenda .... breathe and exist .....

Tawney has some words of wisdom I want to share on her behalf, because she has shared them before with us from her experiences .... I only haven't tagged her cos it's a really hard date for her today ....

One is - "Two steps forward on one step back is still a forward motion ...."

Another one is - "Thought and feelings, while challenging and frightening, are just thoughts and feelings ..... don't take them beyond that. Leave them as thoughts and feelings, because thoughts and feelings change and pass ... just survive them, breathe, exist, until they pass, until they clear and something better arrives."

Sound words of wisdom, both ❣

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 9:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope ... such wise words from our wonderful tawney.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 9:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope sorry I can't respond to you all atm I've got nothing left tonight.

@utopia can you please just write some of your shite for me to read for a while

- and anyone else who has anything to say I'll read it I just don't have the energy to think or respond!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 10:06 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

No problem @Zoe7. I'm so full of shite. Lol.
Did you hear that bb warned me to tell my other bird friends - not to 'poop' on her driveway tomorrow. I told her she should just be grateful that we don't 'poop' under the stairs.
And I though a bird ooooing was meant to be a lucky sign.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to put on my lotto / powerball. Got to be in it - to win it. Git to win it - to not have to go back to work next week. Oh - I wish.
Doing an audit is brain numbingly boring and so hard on the eyes. Looking at two different computer screens - with different orograms whilst also looking at paper files. Should havethought aabout this a bit mire before I said yes to this temp job. But I've never done it before - so had no knowledge of what it would be like. I can now say ... definitely. ... that I don't like this work. But I love the pay.
I had the sprinkler on tonight. Just trying to keep the grass green close to the house - fir my dogs to walk and lie on. I don't water the whole yard. I'm on a quarter acre. That's too much water to waste. But they have to have some sift green grass.

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