Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I wanted to get into it before .. but I think having the experience now has given me so much insight. I see things easier and clearer than a lot of others it seems. More "aha" moments, if that makes sense.

🙂

So much sense @Former-Member - life experience, commitment and knowledge all help with finding one's path - and it seems like you have found yours!

Enjoy your walk @Faith-and-Hope

Goodmorning everyone!!

Just reading through it all now, looks like everyone had a good old laugh, I am already loling :)

Good morning @Former-Member, at least we now know that one of the mods survived last night's mayhem. LOL

Thank you @Zoe7 - I know how tough it can be and am always there for you.

I have also experienced that numbness you described when experiencing night terrors when young - and I could not move or speak when awake and it did take time to come around. This was due to abuse (PTSD). Some use to put labels on it such as sleep paralysis and such - but I called it pure terror/flashbacks. It's very tough. I wish I had at that time a pet to have comforted me. Pets are very special loving healing companions that can disperse the fear/anxiety very quickly. Can be livesaving companions to some.

I have a big black British shorthair girl who is quite independent - only pays attention to me when she wants some food or a belly rub. But when I have been distressed at night in the past I would wake to her sitting right on top of my chest!! I felt I was being hatched haha. And yes, it does not do much for the hyperventilation lol, but the loving comfort was amazing and settled me right down. Our pets do sense when we are in turmoil even when we don't openly express it. Their love is in tune and their care unconditional. They are sitting on our hearts in the attempt to slow its beat induced by anxiety to calm us back down for our wellbeing. Very special indeed. Toby will look after you.

My previous spat of nightmares that I experienced every night last year could have me at times screaming out in my sleep. On the very rare occasion I would thrash about to the horror of my husband who would end up on the floor as I pushed him off the bed! I would awake to my hubby hovering over me with a shocked expression stating "you just pushed me off the bed". I would look back at him for awhile in bewilderment and when it dawned on me what I had done I went to feeling just awful about what I had did to the both of us bursting out in laughter at the scenario that just past. Poor hubby - he does put up with a lot a times lol.

The worse part for me last year was waking up in shock gasping for air - so I would jump up out of bed groping like a fish out of water (must of been a sight). I laugh at myself but it was far from funny at the time! I had to do everything I could to stop myself from hyperventilating. My poor cat that was sitting on my chest at the time was by then clinging by four claws on the roof.

I couldn't take meds at that time for health reasons so had to push through best I could. But to say I was drained after a year of it was an understatement and I was, like you, starting to dread going to sleep. But doing all those things I mentioned in my first post finally saw me through to a better night's sleep.

It makes good sense to back off with the sessions when you feel it's distressing you by nightfall. I think it is good to work through trauma but at our own pace. I remember when at my worst a few years ago that I could not suppress the past trauma anymore, it forced its way to the fore and when I expressed it (with a lot of tears and meltdowns) for a few months I was then able to let it go and never look back again. Everyone's time frame for releasing suppressed trauma is different. You sound like you are in control at the pace you wish to do so which is a good thing for self preservation. I am also a big believer that once this process is complete to never look back or go over it again (it only then serves to retraumatise and take us back to that pain allowing it to take over once again).

So I don't look back now which enables me to move forward (although scars remain they don't control how I feel, don't control my life now, they don't make me fall apart ). I battle now mainly with the trials before me but find I am much more equipped to do so.

Life will have its two steps forward and one step back. It will throw us curveballs. But now instead of falling apart I skip over them, sometimes falling on my face but I jump back up again - one day at a time only with always looking throughout the day for any hope and light to make a better life with. Sounds like you are doing that too my friend - you are on the right track. Keep going. Keep moving through the tunnel as we all must do at some time in our lives, it will be worth it in the end - as not only will you continue to improve but one day you will fully realise the feel freedom and inner peace of that light. The best in life lyes before you. Look forward not back. Love you always 💕

@Former-Member oh my beautiful, caring, compassionate friend

I do want to believe that it will get better and there is a way forward. I do see glimpses of it at times but it is the unexpected setbacks that then dim that light again.

It has now been over 20 years of not knowing when these nightmares will hit and the constant struggle and fear of sleep. Some nights are ok but the anxiety and then release of stress is tiring even on those nights. I have absolutely no idea how I have managed to get through each day (and night) - still study, work, travel etc. and manage to put one foot in front of the other each day.

The sessions needed to stop because it was getting to real crisis point for me again with the distress I was in afterwards. The last session I saw my GP just after - I don't even remember driving there - and she was so concerned that she wouldn't let me leave - so I just sat there in my own mental torture and numbness - with her by my side - until I felt safe enough again to leave. She rang my psychologist to cancel any further appointments until both her and I believe I can cope a little better.

I know that until I can manage the sleep, fears and flashbacks/nightmares at night I will not be able to truly start to move forward but right at this point in time it is just too hard to do that. I do not have the strength to cope with being re-traumatised over and over again - but I do know this right now and that I need to see as a positive step in my 'healing'. Self awareness and foresight is just as important (even more so) that working through the hurt and pain.

So for now I really am taking each day as it comes - moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour. And I am relying very heavily on others to light the way for me - but that is what I need to continue to 'exist' and walk this path. I really do not want to go back to that place where there is nothing left inside and I just want the darkness to finally take me. Every day is a struggle to 'want' to live but every day I do survive - there is some hope in that.

My road ahead is a long one, and I am scared of where it will take me and what I can actually leave behind me - but the light that everyone here shines along that path does help to see at least a small way into the horizon.

Knowing that you have achieved everthing you have and found some peace and freedom in your own life - with everything you have had to 'deal' with - does provide a true inspiration for me to know it is possible - believing it myself is the next step.

Thankyou for sharing and for being with me @Former-Member it means so much...

Sending you all my love

Zoe

u ok @utopia?