Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

21 - 30 of 38,645

1 2 3 4...3,865

In response to: Am Not Coping

KurraSenior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 10:15 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm so pleased to hear from you @Zoe7.
You've joinedy club because I too failed in the same way you have.

I was on a different forum about 15 years ago and I left a message very similar to the last 2 you sent before you disappeared. Two of the other people on the forum contacted the police and the police got me to hospital in time.

Yes it was terribly embarrassing because I too distressed a lot people on that forum. Eventually I was able to accept what I had done to myself and to other people. Now I can speak about my serious attempts in public without feeling bad about it. I can't change what happened but I can change my future.

I believe I can speak for everyone who are members of SANE and say that no one here thinks about you as a nad person. Quite the opposite actually.

You are respected and loved. You are a valied member of the forum family.
Huge Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 10:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

beautifully said @Kurra

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember26 Jan 2017, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

😘🤗 @Kurra @Appleblossom

both massively important contributions to this discussion

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 10:31 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yep ❣

In response to: Am Not Coping

pipSenior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 6:54 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Dear @Zoe7. I too were where you are now. The overwhelming pain, the feeling of why am I still here. Zoe, please don't hurt yourself, whatever you are feeling now, it will pass. I attempted in 2014 and I'm grateful to say, I failed. Had I succeeded I wouldn't have met anyone I can now call a friend. I'm just so sorry you were unable to reach out for help. I know BB has an amazing crisis support team who would've responded immediately, also the ambulance crisis support team would've taken you to the nearest ED. I promise you from the bottom of my heart, your pain will ease, mine did, I know yours will too. The blackness you're surrounded by will lift. I don't need an answer now, but I hope to see you on the forums soon, just to let us know you're still here.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 4:48 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I will do what I can to be around over the weekend for you. I can't promise anything at the moment other than I will try.

Goodluck with your friend - I really hope he calls and you now can at least have your mind eased that he is ok.

I really miss my friend - every day seems to be a little darker without her. She certainly shone a really bright light on my life and I hope the light that I know is within her bursts it's way out and she can shine brightly for both herself and others in the future.

@utopia in regards to the new t-shirt line - I think maybe the caption should read "If you can read this - you are too close" or "If you can read this - stop touching me!" (considering it is braille).

Everyone else - I can only do one thing at a time at the moment so I hope you understand if I can't personally reply to everyone just yet

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 7:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Yes you need to stop touching me - if you can read this. Glad your humour is intact - even if only for a minute here or there.
It is cruel of me to tease you with my old friend and his - potential ph call. You have your own stuff going on. But I do know that you can understand my mixed feelings on this issue.
I want to help him. Impossible I know - it's his journey.
I'm mad at him for cutting communication out of the blue.
I've missed having - what I consider to be a special friend - who I can talk to about anything & who doesn't judge me. (At least I think he doesn't). - self doubt keeps creeping in. I'm trying to shut up my negative self talk over this & my fears.
If you are around on the weekend - it would be great. But you and your health have to come first - before my - whatever my relationships with him is.
So I'll understand if you don't / can't reply straight away.
But I will post to you and let you know what happens or doesn't happen.
I can understand your feelings regarding your special friend.
She is so lucky to have you be able to see the good in her.
And hopefully, soon, she will also be able to see the goodness she has.
I love the word 'light' that you used to describe her soul. Beautiful.
Hang in there @Zoe7.
We don't know the future. We just can't predict it. But we can put good vibes or prayers or intentions into the universe. We can declare to the moon or god or whatever symbol you like - our intentions and desires.
But we do this - and then we need to get on with our day. Do the dishes. Go to work. Go to group or class. Cook dinnee. Walk in a forest. Sing. Dance. Cry.
And rhen we can say our intensions and desires out loud again. And so it continues.
And one day - we realise - our intentions are here. We have our desires.
Don't give up on your friend.
Don't give up on yourself.
Sending you love and strength. ♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 8:05 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia It's not cruel at all - I'm really pleased that you at least know he is alive and safe. Whether you get a call or not you have at least got an answer for that fear. If you do get a call then my only advice is to let the joy of the contact seep through every part of you and hold onto that feeling. I am trying to hold onto all the joy my friendship gave me - and hopefully at times she can feel that as well.

Don't doubt yourself - what you feel towards your friend is pure and loving - what more can anyone ask for! If that is not reciprocated then THEY have lost something special - not you

I really am finding everything really difficult at the moment - I'm just really lost. I've gone back down the well and and can't see any light above at the moment. I am struggling with see-sawing between feeling nothing and then feeling intensely. Every single part of me seems to hurt and to stop those feelings I just shut out everything. Can't focus, can't get motivated to do anything, can't even see beyond today. I have to make a decsion about work next week and I can't even make a decision about my own life! Not sure where to go to from here!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 8:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. It's so hard when we have no energy to decide what to do. No energy to think beyond this minute.
That's why I find the forum helpful. Advice from others. Motivation. Or simply love and understanding for what I'm going through now.
But even with all of my friends here - I still need the help of my psychologist. He is great at pulling apart what I am talking about or feeling. He calls a spade a spade - which I really appreciate - even if it hurts at first. I know he has my best intentions at heart.
I wish you had this sort of relationship with a health care provider.
Some members here find writing in a journal helpful. I use this forum as my journal. Lol.
Why not write down memories of your conversations with your friend. Or write down what you love about her. What her strengths are. What her passions are.
And write down yours. I bet they will be really similar. Especially if you write honestly - and not from your negative self talk.
Sometimes a chocolate bar and wrapping yourself up in a blanket - is very soothing / comforting - during a crisis.
have you seen the thread here about comfort box ? Sorry - I don't know how to attach it. But it's a help during those times we struggle the most.
And if you need a hug - I'm there giving you one.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better and get you out of this vortex of depression.
Try and remember - this feeling - these negative emotions - are short term. You've fekt the joyful emotions. Try and remember them. Try and focus on them.
I'm here anytime you need me.♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Jan 2017, 8:49 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia my strongest relationship is with my GP - and my psychologist is also pretty amazing. I called this morning to see my GP but she is away until next Wednesday - that is the same day I see my psychologist again. I do have both their numbers but I really don't want to bother either of them. I don't want them to know how bad I am at the moment - I know that may sound strange but that is just the way I am feeling. I have become really good at covering up what I am really thinking and feeling. To be honest I don't even have the energy to even be able to talk to anyone at the moment - the actual opening my mouth and words coming out is just too hard. Being able to write to you is just about all the communication I can deal with and although I know I haven't responded to anyone else, and they will understand, I still feel like I need to - I just can't do it at the moment. I would be very grateful if you could be around tonight to just help me keep my head above water - but I totally understand if that is not possible xxx

21 - 30 of 38,645

1 2 3 4...3,865