Am Not Coping

I am so glad you managed to pick up the plants @Zoe7 ..... a garden can be such a joy ...... and I have mental images of what you have described now 😊

The exhibition time was good. As expected, mr. walked through it in the first 5 mins, then he had to actually double back and talk to us about why he didn’t like anything ...... and that prompted conversation, and explanations about the nature of art ...... and lo and behold, he actually found something he liked, and other things he could appreciate, if not exactly like ......

The youngest two loved it ...., D2 just wanted to find somewhere to sit down. She has art skills, but was not particularly interested in anybody else’s art ..... lol

I bought cuple of plants for the pots on my front porch too @Faith-and-Hope - I need to remember to water them though otherwise they will go the same way as the ones I have had there before - let's just say they didn't last long

I will get a few more flowering plants tomorrow if Bunnings have what I want - hopefully in seedlings to spread out and watch grow.

It seems like you had an ok time at the exhibition despite not everyone embracing it. It is great that you had conversations about the art - not so good that D2 wanted to sit down - I hope she at least got some enjoyment out of it.

Are you planning on more visual diary work tonight?

Don't fall off your feet - I have set up for painting Not sure how much I will do but it is all ready to go so will try to get a little in before I relax for the evening.

🤗🎨🖌🎉 @Zoe7 ..... I am so pleased for you .....

I am not sorry we spent out on the Art materials yesterday. It’s so good to be able to just sit down and work without missing pieces, or materials to substitute with .....

Yes, I need to get some visual diary work done for uni tonight, then I can play again and do my own art journal explorations.

Will you paint and mosaic on the garden pots, and make garden art @Zoe7 ?

I am still waiting for the roof on my garage to be done so I can set up my table to do a mosaic on @Faith-and-Hope I have thought about doing some pots before but never done anything about it - always to busy with doing things for school and not for myself. There are a lot of things in the garden I would like to get done this week so that will be my priority when I can get outside. Then I will have the painting to do when I need to be inside ...so the middle of the day, when it is too sunny outside and at night.

I am hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow - need to get some washing done as well. Hopefully I don't wake up as tired as I have been the last couple of days and can get my plants planted - then I'll put Toby in the car and off to Bunnings we go - yea!

I presume you didn't get to Bunnings today - what were you after there?

Going to tag you here instead @Zoe7

My psych is always talking about routine for me and trying to have some structure to my day even though I am not working. I can understand that anxiety around getting back to work and having that routine again, something we haven't had for a long time. Yes the pool and DBT would have helped, but it is still not the same as getting up early and working a full day. I think at first it will be very difficult hun but like anything, hopefully with time it gets easier for you. Easing your way back into work will be extremely beneficial and help with this too hun.

I have been off work for 2 years now @Snowie but it is like I have lost a whole year - that is what last year was like for me - too much time adjusting and changing meds, trying to stay alive and yet not wanting to, getting through some dsys minute by minute nd others sleeping away - in so many ways it was a harder year than everything else I have been through in life - maybe because I have never come so close so many times to leaving but by pure luck still here. The re-traumatisation on so many occasions made it so much worse and much like you I don't know how I survived through all the flashbacks and nightmares either. The perfect storm for me seemed to last a whole year but hopefully now I am coming out the other side.

I know going back to work is not going to be easy and anyone that thinks it ii would be deluding themselves - I just need to take it one step at a time though - the hardest part will be the first few weeks and then I hope I will be in a routine which will help me cope a little better.

I understand youor pdoc wanting you to be in a routine Hon - although the pool and DBT aren't the same as what I will need to go back to work the have provided a little structure in my week. I have also had my GP appintment on Mondays at the same time so for 4 days of the week I have had to be out of the house and I am hoping that will help with work also.

oh hun I could just keep hugging you and hugging you after what you have gone through

Yet you have shown so much determination and strength to come out the other side of that storm.

I think one step at a time is all you can do and is a wise move. It's also good that you are not expecting too much of yourself at start. The last thing you want to do is put too much pressure on yourself.

Yes the routine you already have in place should help too

@Zoe7

The feeling is muttual Hon - I could hug and hug you too - we have both had experiences that have nearly broken us but we are still here and still fighting @Snowie and we need to give ourselves a little credit for continuing that fight. No day is easy for us that is for sure but every little bit f happiness we find we need to grab hold of. There are some things that we cannot control but when it is within our power to do so we need to grab hold as if our life depends on it because - quite frankly - at times it does. I still think of ending it every day but the shift in my thinking has been that I don't plan it - there is such a difference between thinking about it and wanting to go through with it and that is where I am at now so that in itself is positive.

You are right in that the last thing I need is added pressure on myself. Yesterday my sister was talking about someone we both know that is severely depressed and can barely drag themselves out of bed. I said I know what that is like and for a split second was going to tell her how hard this has all been - then with a simple 'what do you mean' from her I realised that she had absolutely no idea what I had been throuogh so I replied 'not being able to get out of bed'. It was a moment where I once again had to resign myself to the fct that not only did she not know what has been going on for me but I also couldn't tell her - such a pivotal but excruciating moment for me.

Hi @Zoe7 @Snowie ....

No, didn't make it to Bunnings today.

I need to replace a lamp shade for the new rental unit, buy some tin-snips to use for sculpture work (have seen some in an art shop but I think Bunnings will be cheaper), I saw a terracotta bowl with artificial succulents in it the other day and we need a centre-piece for the coffee table in the rental unit (to advertise it as fully furnished it needs to be something you can walk into with a suitcase and start living in) and a few other bits and bobs.

D3 wants to set up a terrarium, so the plan is for her to come with me and pick up all the bits she needs for that.

I couldn't agree with you more @Zoe7 with so much of what you have written. I must admit, I still have those thoughts of ending it too, but there is such a difference between thinking about it and wanting to go through with it, which I can totally understand.

I think it is hard for people to understand what we have gone through without going through it themselves. That's why I think this forum is so good, because there are people on her that can understand you without you having so say everything. Even hubby who sees me at my best and at my worst, still struggle to understand everything, especially my thoughts about ending it all.