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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

🎉🤗💕 Yay @Zoe7 ..... ‼️

Painting ..... go you ❣️

Its due due to rain here from early afternoon @Zoe7, and as much as she loves football is as much as D2 hates rain ......

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It has already started raining here @Faith-and-Hope so it is an inside day today now.

I have a little fluffball snuggled in atm so not moving off the couch for now lol

Is D2 going to the final with D1 and SiL or is she watching it at home?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Watching at home @Zoe7 .... no loose tickets to this game to be found ..... the two that have had to chase hard for them, I can tell you, and it won’t be an easy crowd to try to manage D2 in. It would become a baby-sitting under difficult conditions circumstance instead of the awesome time they will have. And she wouldn’t enjoy the rush and bustle.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I get it @Faith-and-Hope It is definitely a different atmosphere going into a grandfinal - huge crowds, plenty of activities going on both outside and inside the ground and a lot of noise. Having Collingood in the final would certainly add to that rush and bustle too - they are the biggest club by a long way. I do hope WCE win for all of you - no doubt I will be shouting at the tv barracking for them myself

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

What have you been up to today @Faith-and-Hope - still sorting out your art space?

I have cleaned the kitchen a little and organised and sent off the paper work I needed to send to HR. I have done one load of washing but need to do another one - that might need to wait until tomorrow though as it looks like it is going to rain again. Tonight I might try for the painitng - at least I have cleaned up a little and made a little space now. If I am too tired I won't start because once I start I don't want to have to stop until I have done most of what I want to do ...getting in that right head and heartspace is alluding me right now too

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yep ..... still mo big stuff about @Zoe7 .... and had to do some shopping so we all have at least the basics for the weekend ......

i am hoping to set up a small art project this weekend @Zoe7. It depends a bit on how much I get done over the rest of the day .....

Talking about art projects that you don’t want to stop once you start, I am in the process of setting up a fully furnished unit for long-term rental. It needs to be done like a holiday apartment, because it becomes someone’s “home away from home” when they are transferred here for a year or two, or come to the “big smoke” for their kid’s education, or whatever .....

I have some cushions already, to go on lounge chairs, but I was looking up some cushion covers and posters and things on the Internet last night, trying to make all the bits and pieces look like they belong together ..... which essentially means working out a colour palette ..... something that works with the bits and pieces of furniture so it doesn’t look like a mis-matched jumble .... when in fact that is what it is ..... 😊

It needs to be clean, neat and homely. So .... you find two posters that work together, and then there is no third one for the other room ..... or you find a lovely poster, but no cushion cover that works with it ..... or it doesn’t belong with the furniture we’ve got ..... or .... it ... or ...... it’s like sitting there and not being able to fit the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle in, so you have to undo a whole section and put it back together again .....

So I stayed up late ..... but I

got it done ..... but now I’m tired ....,. 😏

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You have been a busy little bee @Faith-and-Hope I love decorating but also know what I like and don't like - the trick then is finding things that go together in whatever style you are going for - so I get your frustration and am glad you managed to work it out. I can't wait to have my house back and be able to renovate both the bedroom and spare room. I am going to turn the spare room into an art studio/home office/music room - all 3 things can work in the space as it is quite large. I will build a shelving unit on one wall for all my books and seat under the window where I will have the art space. It is a beautiful bay window so the natural light coming in will be perfect for painting.

They are my plans anyway - just need all my school stuff gone

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It sounds lovely @Zoe7 ..... and a view of the garden is just the best.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

There is not much garden out that window - I have an extremely small front yard @Faith-and-Hope but it will be full of flowers when I finally get to it. The back yard is what I have been working on most as that is where I spend most of my time. The garage floor and driveway need to be re-done as well as the front paths so there is no point even starting my fron garden until I can do all that - and that takes time and money that I don't have right now. I do have a plan on what I want to do there though - maybe this summer I can get it under way - so much revolves around having my garage done and things being able to be stored in there. Right now it is just frustrating!

Are you still sorting your space or settling in for the night?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I have put my feet up for a while @Zoe7. There was talk of us going out for dinner tonight, but I haven’t heard anything more yet. It’s likely to be all last-minute if we do.

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