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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 6:37 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Well done for going to such a hard session. You did it. That's a big achievement and having to tell everything yourself. Didn't expect that to happen.
Maybe, being how you set your mind to something & stubbornly follow through - maybe calls to your psychologist need to be made before you get to that stage. But that's not easy - to judge when you are about to tip over that abyss. Hopefully now though - they will help you stabalise your mood & you will remain safe.
Getting your income protection paperwork filled in and sent off is your number 1 priority. After that it's simply resting and looking after yourself.
Even though it was a hard appointment - I hope you are relieved and proud of yourself for going.
I'm proud of you.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 7:05 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I didn't expect that either. Felt a little let down by my GP but then remembered she doesn't work Tuesday's and there is only 2 GPs in a 7 GP practice that work on Wednesday's. So I know she would not have had a break at all today. So she remains the same in my eyes.

Probably actually helped me in some way to have to tell my psych myself - even if it was in a round about way and she had to ask the questions to get it out of me.

I did tell her that I didn't even consider calling anyone. I had seen my GP earlier that day and it was already on my mind - and she is the one I would talk to or call first. It was not a spur of the moment decision @utopia it was very considered.

The paperwork for my income protection takes two weeks to be processed so really hoping for that salary payment to come in next week to help me get through. I will make an appointment to discuss my mortgage and a short term loan but just need another couple of days to get my head around everything.

I can't say I am relived about my appointment but I suppose it is good that she now knows and I don't have to pretend that anything is easy at the moment or that I am coping.

Still can't believe that I went downhill so fast - really did not see it coming. I told her this also and said I thought I was actually doing really well then it just hit me from nowhere. She agreed and was also quite surprised how hard and how far I had fallen so quickly. Definitely think it was a combination of alot of things that just all happened to merge at the same time and I had just reached my limits.

Now that I have finished my 'essay' - yep we can both go on - how are you tonight and how was your day?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 7:10 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

Its important your psych asked you the right things and noticed you were stressed. Its also important we give our mh team a bit of slack, as we all are hooman.

Mind if I ask a question about why you were worried about possible judgements from forum re going into hospital. I dont get it.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 7:27 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I know I had the suicidal thoughts for at leadt a week before I admitted them to my psychologist - & he asked first. I don't think I even acknowledged it to myself until a few days after I told him. My brain just wasn't working - so I couldn't articulate much at that point. That's why I was wondering if you are aware of what your tipping point is. I don't know mine. But hope I never have to know.
Work was normal. Boring. Exhausting. Stressful. But I made it through the day. An hour long drive home & my mind started drifting to the 'why's' again. Shut them down quick smart. Just going to not think about it at all. That's my coping technique.
How is your heart going?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 7:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Appleblossom Just my own vulnerabilities in regards to hospital - absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Judgement was probably a bad word to use!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 8:12 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Dont worry. I can understand wariness about hospital for any reason.

For me though it is a wake up to realise that people experiencing SI are often reccomended to go to hospital, whereas for me it took managing it for 20 years before I actually got a substantial response .. in a disability employment agency. Now I believe I had a psychiatrist and family therapist who really should have been more up front with me .. and given me more support and not let me struggle alone .. when kids were little.

Sorry my interest on the forum .. is about more than .. just getting help for me .. sometimes I think I am beyond help now .. also about seeking to understand best practise and standard practise .. and get an idea about what is fair ...

I love your discussions though, as it helps show mh system with some transparency and effectiveness

In response to: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor01 Feb 2017, 8:25 pm AEDT