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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 4:51 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Same to you @Zoe7. Sending you love. ♥♥

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

So this is how my day went...

Didn't get much sleep - but nothing unusual!!

Got to work and saw my Principal. She was fantastic. Told her that I wasn't cleared to work and it would be at lest 4-6 weeks before that changed in any way. She suspected that I may not be able to start back for the beginning of the year so it wasn't a big surprise - but she was sorry that I couldn't. Told her I had talked to HR manager and GP and my GP was going to deal with that side of it for me - then she (principal) would be informed when I actually knew what had been discussed and worked out for now. She told me not to worry about anything and just get better and come back when I was ready. She talked about the class a little bit and then she said we'd discuss it more when I was ready to come back. That really decreased my stress and anxiety instantly. Don't now have the fear that I will have to change schools.

Spent two hours at work and nearly fell asleep at the desk in our meeting - decided it was time to go.

Then I went to get the last of my money out to pay my mortgage and the ATM ate my card. Card was blocked by bank and had need to wait a week for new card. Then had to drive to a branch (not close) get the money out and return to the bank where my mortgage is to put cash in. Frustrating, time consuming and very tiring - didn't need it.

Checked out my income protection - yep should not be a problem - but will take up to 8 weeks to come through if it is accepted. Can't take a trick and don't know how I am going to get through with absolutely nothing coming in for that long. Will need to see the bank re: mortgage and maybe a short term loan to cover bills and expenses. If the claim is knocked back (because that is just the way things seem to be going for me) I will be in a hole I will not be able to find my way out of.

Just holding it together - trying not to worry about it - but the light seems to be getting further away again.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 5:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Well done for going to work for a few hours. Your boss sounds very supportive and it sounds like your job is secure for when you are ready to return. I can hear that big sigh of relief .
My bank has been great when I've needed to stop my mortgage repayments for 2 - 3 months. I'm sure yours will be too.
Any cash you have - keep on hand for petrol & pets food. Any vetinary needs can be put on a payment plan - not that that should happen. But it's available if needed.
Food boxes and coles/woolworths cards are available from a local charity. Take advantage of this service if you need it. We all need a helping hand from time to time. And you will pay it forward when you can.
Call your ph and gas/elec/water providers. Explain you will have no income for 2 months. They have trained staff that will sort something out for you - without judgement - to help you through.
I know it's a few things to get done - but your local community centre or charity often have free financial advisors who will contact these organisations on your behalf - if you are unable to. Again without judgement.
Once this is sorted out - it's then just all about self healing and taking things easy. Walking Toby and looking after 'unnamed'cat - lol.
With this weight off your shoulders - it will be easier for you to cope.
Tomorrow you see your psychologist - which will be good. If you are struggling to talk - maybe just write it down & show the psychologist what you have written.
Self love my friend. And self care. And the odd chocolate or special treat.
♥♥♥♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 5:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Thankyou. I will have to come back to this list later - just can't take anything in at the moment. May need to cancel appointment tomorrow - can't pay for it. Literally have nothing left but a few dollars in my money box (yes I still have a money box!!!)

Just need to not focus on it for now or I will go under completely again.

How are you doing this afternoon?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 5:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I'm doing a lot better now. Sometimes I find sleep just helps me get through or ignore whatever is happening at that moment. I'll go back to work tomorrow. And smile. Might be fake smile to start with. But eventually the real one will return.
I'm bound to have ups and downs over the next few days /weeks. But now - I'm okay. Bangers and mash with gravey and lots of vegies for dinner.. I'll start cooking soon.
Any idea what you will have? Even eggs on toast would be good.
Call your psychologist and explain you have no money. She may be able to sort ssomething out for you. Because you need to see her.
I've just watered my side garden - where I put in new plants. Still not sure if 2 will make it - but I'm giving them lots of love - so there is still a chance they will come good. The others are flourishing. My garden sounds a bit like the forum. Good days and bad. Struggling plants that need extra tlc. Lol.
I hope there is something funny on tele tonight. I could do with a good belly laugh - one where you forget everything else & end up snorting your laughs out. Yes. I'm not very lady

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 6:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hang in there @Zoe7The important things seemed to work out .. like long term work & health relationships and job.

Schedule a few days to show up at the bank ... they will sort things out as they dont want to lose your custom

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 6:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Appleblossom I'll deal with the bank stuff later - not capable of that right now xxx

@utopiaGreat to hear you are doing better. Yes there will be ups and downs but I have no doubt you will get through this and your smile will return.

I don't even know if I can get to see my psychologist tomorrow - not the way I'm feeling at the moment - couldn't even drive right now.

Think I might move the tv into the bedroom and put on Mrs Brown's Boys dvds - not everyone's taste but they make me laugh - and just sleep.

Might check back in later - if I can't sleep!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 6:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I love Mrs Browns Boys @Zoe7. My type of humour.
Will talk to you later if your up for it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 8:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Just watched the first two episodes - made me smile - even laughed a couple of times. Still not great but no worse. How has your night been?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor31 Jan 2017, 8:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @Zoe7xx

Think I might move the tv into the bedroom and put on Mrs Brown's Boys dvds - not everyone's taste but they make me laugh - and just sleep. -- this sounds like a great idea @Zoe7

It is raining here and thinking about what we will watch

Hello @utopia, @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope

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