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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 8:48 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Wow she is good!. A gp that will deal directly with your work. That must be such a huge relief. A big weight lifted.
I like the idea of her 'handing out' the meds - to keep you safe that way. And I'm glad you are comfortable with that as well.
Is there a reason why the hospital stay isn't an option? Especially if you have 4 to 6 weeks off work. This may be a good time to have that extra care and attention that hospital can provide. And it's also where I got my psychiatrist from - so it's a way to help jump the queue - so to speak & get a psychiatrist to assess you. But ultimately it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember30 Jan 2017, 8:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

hi @Zoe7 - so good to read that your GP has taken some of the pressure off you. And that you feel comfortable with it all. She sounds like a good GP. If money does become an issue, as @Faith-and-Hope mentioned there are organisations that can assist - such as your local community centre (I work at one). Don't be embarrassed as financial stressors can happen to anyone. Hugs x

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember30 Jan 2017, 8:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

i'm glad that your appointment went well, and that you had the courage to tell her everything that you needed to. well done. You don't have to do anything you don't want to but i thought i would mention that as crappy as it was going to hospital, it helped to get more supports in place after i left. It got me 'on the system' i suppose.

I hope that you're feeling ok today, do you feel relieved in a way that the work decisions are decided? (even though as you say, there are other stressors still). Hugs

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7. I have received food boxes and vouchers before when I have needed them & I've taken advantage of the Governments Grant Relief Scheme - where they write off - or pay for (not sure which) your utility bills up to $500 or $600. It was a huge help last year when my electricity bill/gas bill became too big for me to pay.
And yes, I also donated food back to the charity I got my food box from.
@Zoe7. So how are you feeling after your appointment? Do you think you may be able to relax enough to sleep tonight?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Good Luck with the next few weeks .. I am learning to trust my GP .. she suggested I go back u 25 mg .. I said I can take a hint .. and we both laughed. I envy your ability to get an immediate extra special commitment from your doctor. I have had to struggle so hard with it .. over the years.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 9:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia yes she really is that good! Hard to explain just how supportive and amazing she has been but I think the fact that she is going to deal with everything for me shows that. I feel a bit better after my appointment - she has given me something to help me sleep the next two nights until I see her again Thursday.

There are so many reasons that I won't (or can't) go into hospital. I really haven't had the best experiences with hospitals - but I don't want to go into that at the moment - too much to talk about. I would also have to talk to my family about what was going on and that really isn't an option - just more stress and too many complications. I don't want to leave my fur babies - they actually help me get up each day. And I would be even worse somewhere that there were people around me that I didn't know - way too much fear, stress and anxiety around this one.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member - my main concern is if I need to take either of my babies back to the vet because I have used up all my 'just in case of emergency vet fund' also.

@Former-Member I am relieved in part that the work situation has been taken out of my hands - my fear now is that I will be forced to move to accommodate any return to work restrictions put in place - would find it nearly impossible to handle that!

@Appleblossom I am extremely lucky to have found my GP and to have her so totally in my corner. She contacts me quite regularly (even when she is not at work and I can call her anytime!) Pretty special care she provides - and she is a very lovely women also.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember30 Jan 2017, 9:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sounds good that you have something to help you sleep. I'm exhausted! i wish i had something lol!

try not to worry about the what if's part of the future as its only going to hurt/stress you at the moment. save your energy for the important things like spending time with those precious fur babies!

hugs

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 9:26 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I nearly forgot - sorry - how was your first day back? I'm sure you haven't done your homework for me yet!!!! lol I'll let it slide this time!!! I bet you are exhausted - first day back is hard even when you are 100%. Hope you get some sleep tonight. xxx

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Yes your gp goes above and beyond. A very caring and special person. I'm glad you'll be seeing her on Thur & your psychologist on Wed. That's not too long to wait. And to have that constant regular support from them will help you feel better, quicker.
You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. Was purely a suggestion on my part - because my experience was very good. Actually I'd like to go back now. I can feel the pull of the depression & at the moment I'm not even sure I want to fight it. I just want to sleep everything away.
So, I'm going back to bed now. I'm not much good trying to help anyone here tonight. But I am glad that you are feeling a bit of the weight removed from your shoulders. One step at a time.
Night

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor30 Jan 2017, 9:51 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I may talk about it one day but just too much for both of us at the moment!

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself my friend. I know that all I wanted to do was sleep also - that is not a bad thing - it's your body telling you it needs it. If you feel that you need to get the help and hospital is an option for you then do what you need to do. We will be here supporting you and loving you along the way. I'm not going to tell you this is easy because we both know it isn't but I am definitely here walking with you and will help in any way possible. You don't need to feel you need to help or support anyone at the moment - this is your turn to receive support

Just get through tonight and see what tomorrow brings - one step at a time for us both.

Sending you all my love, support and friendship to help you through xxx

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