Am Not Coping

@utopia I am so sorry that today sucked so much

You are probably asleep now - I hope you are - but sending you all my love and some of those big bear hugs that you have given me before to help me feel a little better.

I have slept most of today - didn't sleep well last night and really didn't want to face today being so tired. Went to my appointment (as usual) and came home to crash again! Just need a little time to think and get through as best I can. I am ok - just need to rest and do what I can, when I can!

Hopefully feel a little better tomorrow - maybe chat then!

Look after yourself - I am thinking of you

@Faith-and-Hope @Pepsimax @Owlunar @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Appleblossom

Hi to everyone. Maybe catch up with all your posts later. Need a bit of time out to think and rest - not sure how long at this stage. Look after yourselves.

Zoe

That sh^t with Centrelink @utopia - I did that once - I was within weeks of finishing my pass degree and had two part time jobs but they were going to cut my benefit's (unemployment) if I didn't sign that I would take full time work at the drop of a hat.

Couldn't do it - wouldn't do it - I cried and yelled and made a fuss so I got a private space and they had a special meeting about me while I sat in a room alone crying my eyes out with the injustice. I had a parat-time job as in accounts but I refused to break the law regarding something - and got the sack and like you - I was overwhelmed by the injustice

At least with my pass degree I would have a better chance at better work - and they gave me this chance - and I got the DSP -

So - I don't know how you feel but I know the craziest thing about this system - and all of this was so long ago - I did get full time work as an accountant while I did my 4th year - but I did not see it on that terrible day -

I read what people choose to tell us about their lives - knowing their stories are more than what they write - it's hard when something terrible happens in our lives and we cannot get it back together easily - and actually I can't put the pieces back together on a time-line now

Hard Yards

It's better to be angry than depressed - anger turned inward is depression - is this easier - I have been combative too - my agression - which was not physical - but could I yell - all the crystal vases in a 5 km radius could shatter some days

I hate it how you are suffering right now - but keep writing - let your angst run out of the ends of your fingers

You are being heard

Dec

@Zoe7 💕🌹❤❤❤xx

I have had a busy afternoon, and dashing out again for a bit now, but I will be back later ....

💜

Yes @Zoe7

You do the best you can when you can - what more can you do? That's what I do - until I find a spot that has a date written in the dust - like 79 and Vesuvius has erupted and this is where the dust has come from

Look after yourself first - we are no good to anyone if we don't care for ourselves

This is a hard thing to learn - really - little girls are taught to put other's first and this rides across the huge gap of adolescence and becomes their way

Hugs for you tonight and I pray angels stand around your bed - at your head, by your feet - on your left side and your right - one to lead you, one to follow

Dec

Thank you @Owlunar. I appreciate your words.

Yes the system is so flawed. It's meant to be better now for those with Mental Illness. But I wonder. Is it really? And if it is. How bad must it have been before?

I'll get out of this vortex soon. It's just another temporary set back. Logically, I understand that each depressive episode is shorter than the last (so my psychologist tells me).And I know this is just part of my life. That I just have to accept that these episodes will occur from time to time. And I know some great tools to help live a better life and to reduce the 'severity' of an episode, etc.

But I don't like it. I hate it. I don't want to have to accept it. I don't want to know that there will be more of these episodes. That I will get better. But then I will fall down again.

I hear many people say that on here. Why me? Why again? And I think I know what to say to them. But, s***, when you are the one living it, at this moment, it's hard to think of and accept the logic. It's hard not to focus on the negative self talk. The fears that it will never end. That another panic attack will hit or that something minor will trigger a new PTSD episode. That this is my life now.

And regardless of what the WorkCover Psych Report says about a new diagnosis, being a consiquental disorder, or however he put it (genetic and pre-existing), I blame my old workplace for putting me where I am now. And I am angry that they are not held responsible for what happened to me. That they and WorkCover have always tried to make out that this is my fault, I caused it, I had a pre-existing condition. It was not their doing. That is just bull dust.

And they don't care at all about how it has affected me, my son, my family, my working ability, my social ability, my standing in my town, the judgements I receive from others. I just hate it all !!!!!!!

So I will try not to focus on it, as much as I can. And when I can't stop it - I wil get angry and have a rant on the forum or on my facebook page. I will get it all out in words that make sense to me. And hopefully, by spewing all this venom, it will leave me, clearer.

I don't need any advice. It's just nice to be able to have a rant.

It's also lovely to know that you all understand what I mean and how I am feeling. Even though our situations may be different. Some things are the same.

Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will shine. And I'll start again. And I'll keep starting again, until the sun does really shine.

@Zoe7. Give me another day or two and hopefully I'll feel better then.

I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. Curl up with Toby besides you. And I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Sweet dreams my friend.

Yes @utopia

The system is flawed - and the sun will rise in the morning - we are only 3 weeks or something from the equinox and the mornings are dark now - and another year is passing - my dd will be 45 and is the greatest of my blessings -

That year I was in shallow labour starting on Christmas night - and I was in maternity for a while begging for them to save my baby - which they did - and then - would she be born on at New Year, Australia Day, Dad's birthday, 29th February,(leap year) - she made it all the way to her birthday - and this is the best thing that happened in my life

But my troubled son meant we got involved with the system when he was around 8 I think - and because I had to go onto the DSP that damn system - not good -

But here we are - and from choice I am getting back into the system again - if I can get the job (voluntary) - one day a month and a week to write reports - and I feel better for doing it

But the way it gets to me - could be similar - I hate the way I feel about it and I don't want to hate - but it's an honest emotion anyway - accept it? - Who wants to

I like it that you go after solutions - I feel the hunt for answers leaves too much to other people -

A rhetorical question - why do others judge and blame you? I have been judged and blamed too

Here's a beauty - my marriage was over and there was a woman in my church circle who told me I had done wrong - and I should remarry my ex-husband - who had married someone else. The world is full of wonderful people like that

Yeah - I wonder why we are crucified because the world dealt us a bad hand - we play the cards we have - that's the best we can do

I do not like advice - it has a feeling in it that "you had better do this or you are not helping yourself etc"

I like suggestions - I can suggest something and it doesn't bother me if the person doesn't want to do whatever - we all have free will after all

Sometimes we just need to rant - so rant away - I am having a bit of a rant right now remember bits of the past I had no control over - life can be a beach...............

Dec