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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 12:46 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sorry to hear you are still so under the weather @Zoe7 ....

I have a very busy afternoon from the middle of the day, but I am around this morning if you want to chat.

🤗 Hugs 💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 1:02 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope I'm not sure what to say. I thought my appointment yesterday went quite well and I got across some things that I felt she wasn't quite getting - now I think she is but going back over the session there was something she said that I haven't been able to get out of my head. I'm questioning whether she has an agenda that she is pushing or I'm just being too sensitive.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 1:36 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I can relate to the way you are feeling @Zoe7 .... that happens with me where my mind sort of flags something in the moment, but I don't actually work out in that moment what I am intuitively picking up until later when I actually stop to join the dots ..... then it bothers me in that problem solving manner of wanting to go back and 'fix' it or make sure that what I am concerned about is a correct impression.

Something I want to caution you about is that there may be variables that you haven't taken into account that actually make it okay, but you won't know that until you can revisit it with her .....

That leads to the next point .... is it going to change anything between now and your next appointment ? If not, then note it down somewhere as needing to be raised next time. But then you have to either leave it alone, or write up a plan about how you intend to tackle it next time, and then leave it alone .....

If it is going to affect your outcomes between now and then, it becomes important to contact her for clarification.

Does that help ?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 1:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope Yes and no!

I have felt a few times that she is pushing a course of action that I am continually telling her is not the direction I want to go in. I did think she had left it alone and respected my wishes - but it came up again yesterday and now I am feeling like she hasn't really listened. I do think this is going to play on my mind but I also don't think this is something I can talk to her about in a phone conversation - it needs to be a conversation I have directly and in person with her.

I know that may seem strange but I need to be able to read her body language as well as what she says verbally to see if she really is getting it.

Maybe it is just too overwhelming right now because I haven't seen her for a while and 'forgot' how hard it is - maybe it is also the anxiety around what is planned for next week - maybe it's all of it together.

Finding it really hard to 'not think' and 'not feel' atm - combined with already feeling so sick - not doing well is probably understating how I really am.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:05 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I understand @Zoe7 re body language .... I am the same.

Yes, I imagine next week is amount you up .... is there anything you can do to "prepare" and maybe not fee so helpless in that regard ?

Perhaps making dot point notes about what you fear can help you gain a sense of control over them, identify some boundaries ? That may help you call "time" in next week's appointment when you recognise you are approaching a boundary you are not prepared to cross at that time.

Just endeavouring to help you problem-solve and settle a bit, but if this is not helping, can I support you by distracting you instead ?

💜

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:22 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope The boundary that I don't want to cross is the one I really need to deal with. I can't talk about it and I can't write it - tried to but just can't. I can talk around the issue and answer yes/no questions but that is where it ends.

My psychologist is really good at reading when I have had enough or I am getting too distressed to continue but if I can't confront this soon then I really don't know what will happen.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

You are displaying a high level of self-awareness and insight @Zoe7, and that is both courageous and a powerful thing.

You are also wanting to achieve this, even though you are still shying off that boundary, which is a very different position to someone who doesn't want to achieve the break-through.

Maybe, rather than seeing "the breakthrough" as a large issue to be surmounted, can you perceive it rather like a jigsaw puzzle, made up of much smaller pieces, which can be tackled in a combination of baby steps and smallish strides ? I image that is how your therapist is perceiving it.

💜

In response to: Am Not Coping

PepsimaxSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:32 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I'm around now if you need to chat you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to I have been thinking of you I went shopping today my aunt Carol and uncle Ley gave me a Coles Myer voucher for my birthday had some fun

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:38 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I don't think there are many baby steps that can be taken with this one @Faith-and-Hope

It's one of those things that needs to be all or nothing - because once I start there will be no going back - and that really scares me. I am definitely not coping with all this now and if we only tackle part of it then I won't want to keep going - and I do know that will put me in the place where I have had enough.

Sometimes I really wish I had left everything where it was and not headed down this track, but the reality is now that I can't go back and most days I don't want to go forward.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 2:46 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I guess what I am asking is whether you can perceive the progress as happening, or unfolding, in baby steps, rather than perhaps as a wall ..... being visual, there may be a way of altering however this is presenting to you as an "all or nothing". .... yes, you're taking on the "all", but step by step in measured increments ..... and those increments are all you need to focus on in that moment ..... like stepping stones across a river.

Is that a better visual for you ? When I am at home I can try to source a beautiful stepping stone image for you to hold in memory to support you, if you think this will be helpful ....

If I can find an image you love, I will be happy to paint it for you so you can print it out if you want to ....

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