Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 ..... 💚🦋💕💐

hello @Zoe7 , sending you hugs my sister

@Faith-and-Hope

You hold me in the light when I cannot see any myself,

You allow me to rest in your presence when I do not want to be alone,

You comfort me when I feel hopeless,

You encourage me to hold on when I want to give up,

You lift my spirit whenever I 'see' you,

You are an angel with no face but a powerful 'voice',

and the day that I met you was one of the brightest days of my life...

Thankyou for being you

@Shaz51

Hi @Zoe7

Wow - you are battling right now - I care so much and I do wish I could take this all away from you

I guess shutting down is one way of surviving - like waiting out a storm - a storm it seems you know is coming

You are lost and scared and hiding from feeling again. Oh dear - is this worse than what is lurking under the surface

My mind refused to remember something - that is repressed memories - I didn't know they were there but I was afraid too - and when I did remember it was terrible.

But if it helps - I survived that

Is it the case? How would you know? But can it be that your in-built - inborn - coping mechanisms are waiting until you are strong enough to face whatever terrifies you?

Lots of virtual hugs - very gentle hugs

Dec

@Faith-and-Hope I haven't stopped crying from the first word I wrote to you It started to rain here again and it was as if my heart and my eyes were mirroring the outside world - and immediately I thought of you and my tears shared some joy with the pain. At least now I am feeling something!

I am sorry that WH chose to jog instead of walking to the coffee shop with you. You reached out in your usual unselfish and caring way and he chose to walk (jog) his own path. I can imagine that is both frustrating and heartbreaking for you Hon What more can you do! You are living with someone who not only does not recognise that they have a 'problem' but is constantly dismissing you as any acknowledgement would then allow the 'issues' to become a reality - and he cannot see past himself to be able to do that. Small things may be becoming more visible to others but putting all the pieces together has not yet happened for anyone but yourself - and that puts you in the most difficult and vulnerable position in this scenario. All I can do is let you know how much you mean to me, how amazing I think you are, and that I will do what I can to be here for you as you have always been for me

@Owlunar Me shutting down is definitely a coping mechanism. It either goes one of two ways when the pain is so great - shut down or want out. The problem with 'shutting down' is that the wanting out is still under the surface - I just don't have the energy to 'follow through'.

For the last few days I have tried to read and post here but have not been able to - that is when I know I am heading down a very dark path. Now the problem becomes: if I start to 'feel' again will it be too much to cope with! I know this is a very dangerous time for me and staying connected is often what keeps me going - but staying connected is also the hardest part. I become both physically and emotionally in so much pain that I have to fight so hard to want to stay around, to stay alive! The memories, feelings and pain become so intense that I will, at times, slip back into an altered sense of reality, and will completely 'shut-down', lose time and not know where I am. I know this is the way I 'stay alive' in these moments but it is when I regain any 'normal' sense of reality that it all seems so hopeless.

So - yes - the 'storm' may be approaching - I just hope I have enough strength to ride it out again

Hi @Zoe7

I have been thinking of you having both physical and emotional and mental pain all at the same time and yes - I know - I have been there and know one plays off the other and life is a nightmare

I don't know if I have told you but I had a car accident two days before my son died - I was in hopsital when he died and for a few days I really was not aware of much - my shoulder had been torn apart when I tried to avoid the crash and I was given strong pain medication for that - very strong - but my mind was in an entirely different place and that space and when the realisation hit it was so bad

Of course it is not the same as your pain - but I know that it runs from one day to the next and the world can't possibly be going on as if nothing was happening - but alas - it is and does and how does that happen

I needed shoulder surgery but it took time to get a doctor to do it - and I would wake up in the morning - I know what you mean - the day stretches ahead in a blur that comes to pass and waking up to the morning is terrible - enough - I took sleeping tablets at night and knew when I took them when I woke up it would be the same

So enough of my own bad time - enough to say - yes - I do understand - I have been there - and two operations later my shoulder is okay but pretty delicate - and the years have ease my grief - but with what you have on your plate I don't think I would be crass enough to try and convince you that it will be better. That might happen and I hope it does but in the meantime I can see - through a smudgy mirror perhaps - what you life must be like - enduring one day after another in pain - and feeling anxiety and depression and in a kind of wheel that goes around and around and it seems to always be morning - or time to shower - or time to eat - or time for something - and this is so hard

I feel for you - maybe one reason I went through my own story was so I could understand -

And I do remember my then-h standing at the door going out to work saying "For goodness sake - just get on with your things" Not helpful - I am better alone

I care Zoe - and you are so beautiful - the butterfly suits you

My owl sits in its tree watching at night - I hope it can seem it's watching you

I have to go to bed - I keep telling myself I will go to bed earlier but I enjoy the evenings on my own

Hugs Zoe

Dec