trying to find myself lost in it all trying to be calm and strong

@ArraDreaming

Im glad i found the place this is what i been looking for

Im happy i found yous im sure this will help me thankyou for replying

to me

@itsmehuntre Yep, it would get confusing, so we'll just continue here. It's only normal for everything to feel overwhelming right now. It's still very new to you only having had this happen a few weeks ago. And your mind will be ties up just trying to make sense of things so thinking about anything else right now will probably be a bit of a challenge.

I was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer just over 2 years ago when I was 51 and by July last year things seemed to be going okay. Then a result in December showed I had become resistant to the main front line therapy used to hold the cancer back

almost straight away. I'm not on a different drug that is holding it back for now, but none of these drugs work forever, so every three months I have a blood test to see if it is still working. When this one stops working, then things get desperate. Once this cancer leaves the prostate a cure is out of the question.

So the 28th December last year, when I got that result, I dont mind admitting I was a complete mess. I've only really gotten into a better place by deciding to use my experience to help other people and raising awareness over the past few months. I've even done some media recently and so it has really helped me to find some positives in a pretty difficult situation. So i've gone from someone who never talked about anything to anyone in their life to someone who will just endlessly bang on about my every little though, fear and worry to anyone who will listen, and even those who don't want to 😁 All in the past few months. It definitely changes you. Of course being on a drug for the rest of your life that gets rid of all testosterone probably makes a difference as well 🤣

The first thing you learn with anything like this are who your real friends are. It sucks but it happens to most of us. Some will surprise you in a good way, and others, not so much. The upside is you then have people around you that you know you can count on. Clearing out the dead wood so to speak.

You don't have to know how to respond or reply, your thoughts are probably just still all over the shop. But just talk about anything and eventually those responses will come to you. Just dont try to keep them to yourself. It will grind away at you mentally. So even if it's just the person closest to you, just talk to them. Even if it just to say you don't know what to think or what to do.

There will definitely be good days and there will be bad days. Sometimes the good days will trigger the bad days because it will remind you when there werent bad days! In time, hopefully you can increase that ratio of the good, or just better, days to the bad ones.

Try to keep doing the things you enjoy as it will give you a mental break from the depression and anxiety. Some days you may not feel like doing anything, but that's okay. It's like grieving the lost of a loved one, only this time the loved one is your old life. Like any grieving process it takes time. It never goes away, but it becomes more and more manageable. But they key is to let people close to you in. Like it or not, they're in this with you.

A lot of people find things like going to the gym, getting as healthy as they can helps a lot. I mean, I even joined a gym late last year! A gym!! Me!!! I barely recognise myself anymore. I even drink mainly water now! Who is this person?! 🤣

i also found a men's mental health group nearby that I started going to a while back. I've found this really helpful as they're a great bunch of guys and I can tell them i'm really struggling and especially when I feel like i'm dumping too much on my partner. Its also great to tell them when i'm feeling better and hearing their support. So i'm not sure if there's anything like that around you.

Sorry again that you've been put in this position, but know that, at the very least, you have people here that you can talk to about however you're feeling and that we understand, because we've all been in our own mental deep holes.

@MJG017 Yeah im still in shock in a way thinking asking how why me why anyone and it just keeps looping around like a endless cycle

Im sorry you are going through that with the cancer.

A part of my heart is only functioning at 20% any lower and well that can change alot, add diabetes into the mix and having cardio myopathy into the mix which ties in to my main issue so ive had to change my whole life plus plenty of medication later to stabilize things, in the process im certain one of the things i take have nearly chemically castrated 🤣

I was diagnosed with diabetes in Feb this year type 2 then 5 weeks ago i went in for scripts ended up in ICU found out i had cardio myopathy no surprise to me runs in the family but i wasn't ready for them to say i had decompensated heart failure and some part only functioning 20%. Im still to scared to fully read my discharge paperwork.

I spent 9 days in hospital to which they took a insane amount of fluid out of my body with IV diuretics and i still dont know where it come from yes i am a big boy, at least i was. I dropped 3 shirt sizes and 3 pant sizes. This is the front line treatment for my condition. It has improved my quality of life greatly, i can now sleep back on a bed and not just a lounge i used to get squashed driving my car shutting the door (now i actually slide around in my seat thats how much ive lost). Im doing everything i can to keep loosing it powering on through and surprisingly with great results. I can do normal things but sometimes i do have my off days. I have to be careful lifting cant touch heavy things which gets me down in the dumps feeling like im being a burden to others.

Ive always been to scared to talk about my problems / feelings thinking id get judged so much but i just cant keep going on like that anymore thats when ive started to reach out more often to ask for that help to talk things out just to get things off my chest im willing to do anything try anything if it helps

I have this one friend ive known since i was 3 years old he has been my shadow through it all he was there and took me into hospital he skipped work for me he visited me he was there when i was discharged he took me into his house and said you can stay for as long as you need until i get better.

I cant get proper medical help where i live due to doctors coming and going i cant get a regular doctor so i have to go out of town which i normally drive but i try to avoid it where i can.

I guess i can say there is a few goods outta the bad.. Im loosing the weight at a decent rate, i can get around and do normal people things now although sometimes i can get breathless but to be expected. Im fitting into clothes i got over 10 years ago going to theme parks. Im eating as healthy as you can possibly eat. I dont eat S**t food anymore. I dont drink sugar drinks no more. I dont smoke, i dont drink i dont do any of the fun bad stuff in life because the scare i have had and still having has changed me entirely. Besides the fake smile some times i get told i dont seem so stressed or worried like i used to be? ill take that as a good thing. I even got called skeletor and from the person it came from that was like one of the best compliments i could of had.

I used to go to the gym years ago i want to go back once i get the go ahead after i do cardiac rehab. I need something to keep me busy and to help with the getting healthy thing.

There is a mens group here i believe it runs once a month im sure it will run more often once theres a bit more interest i missed last month but i am certainly gonna give it a try next time its on.

Thankyou for taking your time to talk to me i feel a bit of weight lifted off my chest i wished i just had of talked about my problems a bit earlier

@itsmehuntre The "why me's" will last for a while. But will start to become "this is me" and you'll adjust and start finding positives to help you deal with all the negatives. It sounds like you're already on your way, it's just the shock is still there which is completely understandable. So full credit to you for doing so much of the positive stuff already. I think that's amazing that you've made so many changes already. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes back in 2017. It scared me so much that I basically dropped sugar straight away. My HbA1c has been around 5.5-6.2 ever since. The carbs though are a different story... I can't live without them! 😁

Yeah, the drugs we have to take can be fun can't they?! When you become resistant to the hormone therapy with prostate cancer, they call it "castration resistant", because that's exactly what the hormone therapy does. Maybe that helps me open up more.. who knows 🤔😁 God I miss testosterone more than cream buns! 🤣

Is there any chance the parts of the heart will start functioning more over time, or is 20% the new normal for you? It's so frustrating when you can do the things you used to be able to do because the body just says "no!". Although my blood sugar has been under control for years, I was told it was high enough for long enough before I was diagnosed that I now have postural hypotension so when I stand my blood pressure drops significantly so it's really hard to do much physical exertion, especially when standing and it's so frustrating.

But it does sound like you are making the best of a bad situation and you do have some great support there so i'm sure that will all help so much as this initial shock wears off. I found out that I want to do peer work and I've just enrolled in a Cert IV Mental Health - Peer Work for next year. For the first time in so long, I feel like I have something in life that feel important. I have far more support around me, and mentally i'm dealing with mental (mainly attachment) issues I've had all my life. All due to this awful diagnosis 2 years ago! It's funny how things can go. Priorities change and you change with them. The last 6 weeks alone, i've been in the nation papers, on live tv, and been on the radio... all because I've this new direction I've found because of what i've been through. I even tell people exactly how i'm feeling now, even when I'm feeling completely depressed and out of hope. Who is this person and how is he making me say these things?! 🤣

My men's group only runs once a month... it would be nice if it was more often but I always get something out of it. The last meeting everyone commented on how much i'd changed from what I was like 4 or 5 months ago and how I seemed like a completely different person now. I decided to assume they meant this new 'me' was better! 😁

No worries at all @itsmehuntre. I remember exactly how much that reaching out initially helped me so much back when I first did it, so I'm more than happy to pay that forward. It's one of the main reasons i've decided to look into pursuing peer work. It's the main thing that has helped me this year. Even just supporting other people going through hard times helps me feel better about myself. So it seems like it is the ultimate win-win.

There is a group chat here every Sunday night... and Thursday nights, but I can rarely make them as I have most of my groups of Thursday nights. But if you want to chat with a bunch of us and have a nice couple of hours with some great people, feel free to come along. You will see them posted in the Events tab above. It's just text chat but real time so its a great way to get to know some of the people here. I mean, I'm there and I'm a delight! 😅🤣😂

@MJG017 Im very slowly coming to terms with it all i know rome wasnt built overnight i do get that. I just wish i could cop a break and try to get 2 steps ahead and 1 back instead of 1 ahead and 2 back.. My hba1c was in a very high double digit, its now down to 7.9 making progress. They are testing me for type 1 currently.

Oh them carbs... my mother makes a mean potato bake, lasagna everything goes out the window when i smell them bad boys cooking hahahaha.

Yeah i had a bit of a surprise when things wouldnt exactly function but i accept thats how it is.

The heart can repair up to 50% of its function (this is what i was told) depending on the person the diet the lifestyle and how strong that heart really is. I start cardiac rehab monday its 2 days a week 1 hour sessions where they just work on building your strength so it gives the heart time to relax a bit more so it doesnt have to work so much like it is now then it can try and recover a bit.

Honestly i dont expect extreme results i know its pretty damaged but just a few signs and the feeling ive been having lately im not going to loose hope. Even if i recover 5-10% that puts me in a way better situation then i am now. I just need a win something good to happen.

My blood pressure is now extremely well managed its always in the normal zone, my heart rate its so so but i still got a bit of weight on my gut its a working progress. So i guess although its hard when i look at myself to say ive changed (in a good way) because im sick of looking at myself in the mirror some days 🤣

Im trying my best to make pros out of the big cons just to try and keep my stress down i dont need that we dont need that type of stuff. That sounds like a great idea. I was doing a Certificate 4 in IT Networking but had to drop out while all this stuff is going on to focus on me. Im just trying to find me who i am.

Im so greatful you are taking the time to talk to me even with everything going on in your life. I would love to try and be more like this overtime.

I think with more support behind them they will run it more often here and if i can be a part of that and help them make it happen then ill move mountains to make it all work.

I will definitely take a part of this chat when its on next i think its something i defnitely need right now ill try anything new

I actually cracked a bit of a smile and that dont happen often 🤣

@itsmehuntre

Yep, it all takes time and there will probably be more back steps initially but the forward steps will come and you'll be having more of those than the backwards ones. It took me most of this year so you're way ahead of me.

At least you're doing everything you can to give your heart as good a chance as possible. Good luck with the rehab starting tomorrow, I hope it does it's job well. Let us know how you get on with it. How does the rehab work? Just getting the heart rate up a bit and keeping it there for a while? I have no idea! That's the only way I can think of to rehab a heart. Fortunately for me, my heart is one of the few things that seems to still be working okay. Well, apart for the massive drop in my blood pressure when I stand.... so I guess that it has problems as well! Still, nothing compared to what you're having to deal with. Hopefully all the effort you're putting in will keep giving you some great results. It certainly wont hurt. Just please don't post any photos of any of your mum's potato back or lasagna.... every time someone posts of photo of something amazing looking I get a craving for weeks! I can only hold out for so long! 😁

I did a Cert IV - IT Networking as well. I did mine back in 2008 and then went on to the advanced diploma from there. So I was only a few years older than you when I did it. Do you plan to go back to it if you can? The weird thing it, not that I am adjusting finally to my diagnosis, I really don't care about working in IT anymore...I just have no interest and it doesn't seem important to me anymore. Hence doing the Cert IV - Mental health peer support next year. Maybe it's my age, I don't know, but I just don't have that interest in doing it anymore. Apart from my own PC of course! 😁 That is still my baby! Just don't tell my partner I said that! To be fair though, I doubt she'd be surprised. 🤣

Hopefully we see you in the chat tonight. It starts about 7pm AEST. You should see a post in the Events tab about it, but the link is

https://client.chatwee.com/popout/5fe12dcb78c130638b151232

You'll just need to create a chatwee account first... like everything these days.

I actually cracked a bit of a smile and that dont happen often

Then it's a good day! I'm glad you've found this place so helpful. There are so many great and supportive people here. Welcome aboard!

@MJG017

I still have alot of back steps and hopefully one day i can see more foward.

The rehab is 2 times week 1hr sessions of a morning. Where they do exercises could be walking jogging for a few minutes, machine rowing, stepping exercises etc to strengthen the body not the heart directly which gives the heart a break enough to try and repair and mend itself if that makes sense its all still new to me.

The only thing out of this all that was partial good news is when i had my angiogram done all my heart is clear from any blockages so at least it dont have to compensate for that. Because of the meds i take it drops my blood pressure quiet a bit but for the right reason i gotta get used to not getting up to quickly otherwise i get a bit dizzy.

Ok ill try not to haha yeah i get that with some foods oh my god eventually i do cave in but a little treat once in a while cant hurt surely

Im thinking about when i get my strength and just everything back up to a normal-ish level or close to it i might look into getting back into the course. I dont computers i build my own do all that stuff but used to love them.. The way tech is lately swayed me away from it a bit though. I actually just built a computer while i was in hospital for the new call of duty thats coming up next week.

Im a huge AMD Fan to be honest so i hope we dont have to much rivalry haha joking. Dont worry i can keep a secret 😉

Ill be in the chat tonight 100% im looking foward to it

Im so glad i found it, i was hesitant at first but glad i made the leap of faith to it so far im finding it great thankyou for being so welcoming

@itsmehuntre It seems counter intuitive that exercising gives the heart a break, you'd think it would do the opposite. But they're the pro's... as long as someone understands it. 😁 Yep, I know that feeling of having to get up slowly. It's can be hard at the start while you get used to it, but once you do, it becomes easier. The same for a lot of physical changes... it becomes far easier to manage as you get to know when you are starting to approach your limits and you stop ending up feeling like crap after pushing too far because that used to be a point you could pass easily before.

At least it wasnt all bad news with the heart. Good to know there's no blockages, that will surely make it easier knowing that you don't have that causing any extra issues... god knows you don't need any more of them.

It's certainly expensive these days to build a gaming PC especially with the price of GPUs... real ones I mean... Nvidia ones! 🤣😂

Chat to you tonight hopefully.

@MJG017

Yeah i always thought that with the exercise and the heart muscle but im learning new things about it all every day i guess thats a good thing me learning 😅.

Normally when i push close to my limits my body gives me warnings before i push to far if its anything from what i normally feel day to day i question it and slow down or stop what im doing and have a time out for a little bit.

Thinking about that i dont have any blockages to make my situation any worse kinda does help a bit because id be in a whole different situation if i did so im thankful for that it isnt the other way around.

I do love me a Nvidia card dont get me wrong 🤣 I skimped out with the graphics card being Radeon i know hahaha. Maybe a upgrade from the upgrade once i get myself sorted.

I will definately be on the chat tonight im keen to take part

@itsmehuntre

Yeah, I feel a slight dull headache behind my eyes when i'm getting to that point. I know then if I keep going without just sitting for a bit, that headache will get worse and i'll probably feel like crap for the rest of the day. When I pushed it quite hard before I knew what was happening with the blood pressure i would feel awful for a day and a half, and had to lay day for a lot of that. I had no idea that anything was wrong though, so i just thought pushing through would do me good. I probably would have mad a crappy doctor! 😁

Do worry about the Radeon... we all make mistakes 🤣 I'll, uhhh... conveniently forget to mentions CPUs at the moment. 😕