Listening to triggering music

@rav3n I know it’s going to take time to come out of this bubble, but realistically it won’t happen overnight. You can imagine how much anxiety it is causing around finding a psych. I guess it’s about trusting your instinct. Certain people might be off limits and that’s okay. Nobody can connect with everyone.

I’m feeling better. The morning was hard and I was irritated, agitated and frustrated. I am starting to think flu meds had something to do with it. It’s good I don’t need to take them any longer and I finished up this morning. The effects have worn off now

@creative_writer oh yeah 100% agree with you, it'll definitely takes time. changing one's mindset and thought patterns takes months/years of practice depending on where you start. but it is possible!! i really hope your psych-finding process goes okay - is your pdoc assisting you with that or are you finding one on your own and then asking for a referral?

oh yeah it's hard not to feel agitated and frustrated when you're sick! hope the flu hasn't messed around with your taste bud and sleep too much. glad you're feeling a lil better 💙

@rav3n I’m finding a psych myself. The ones that appear to tick the boxes are expensive, but I suppose I can always ask my dad for financial support if needed. I also hope to get a job soon.

I think something in the meds didn’t agree with me. I can’t give too much detail. It’s was prescription only for a reason and it can only be taken short term. My sense of smell hasn’t normalised yet, and appetite is still low. At least I’m no longer feeling feverish

it's good that you have control over that choice, and it's nice your dad can support financially too if needed @creative_writer what sort of jobs are you interesting in applying for? do you have a dream company/role?

the fever parts are the worstttt!! thank goodness that's over. oh yep totally understand not going into detail about it, prescription meds can be quite strong so i can imagine the side effects weren't fun to deal with at all.

@rav3n everything is expensive. I’m looking at social work jobs broadly, though my interest lies in mental health.

I was initially fine, perhaps even better than fine, but side effects eventually caught up.

Do you think trauma ever stops hurting or do we manage to live with it?

oh cool! i hope opportunities flow your way @creative_writer there's some mental health clinician roles that used to pop up on my job ads feed, they were looking for social work backgrounds as well!!

personally, i believe the pain lessens or maybe i'll say it 'quietens'. i think 'understanding' it helped process and lessen some of the pain and confusion. but i've noticed that the more i accept that what happened happened, and i can't change the past but i can change my future, the less it hurts me each day and the more in-control i feel. i felt like i only had 2 choices, let the pain consume me or take action to let it go. i've tried both options, they both were hard but the latter has given me more good days than bad, and more energy too.

what are your thoughts on it?

@rav3n more jobs should be coming up now things are back to business.

Sometimes I don’t know how much of it is what happened to me and how much of it is the lack of support and bad experiences with reaching out for support. Since I don’t have much support in my life, do you think it’s possible to get to a point of self-sufficiency and not needing support and just coping with emotions by yourself and through spirituality. Maybe if I don’t need people it’ll be easier, but I’m a little lost on how to get there

I’m just thinking, I don’t know if there is any point trying to find another psych, maybe I can be self-sufficient and go on as I am. Maybe sometimes you just have to learn to live with the pain

i do think having support is important @creative_writer especially at the start, but as time goes on, i didn't need to lean into those supports as much as i needed at the start.

you can reach a level of self-sufficiency on your own as well! i have no doubt about that, i have met some people in my life who are just so self-driven and manage their mental health by themselves based on coping tools they've read on the internet/self-help books. so it is possible.

there are also other people like me, who sometimes needs a lil push and guidance to take care of myself. and so supports are important for me. i think a lot of mental health resources are readily available and accessible, so if we wanted to be our own therapists, we can. i think i've always felt so 'misunderstood' and 'unheard' as a kid, so having a listening ear is important to me and i'm guessing it's important to you too? it's nice to share our burdens with someone rather than carry it alone right? but it's also not impossible to carry it alone and survive.

Maybe if I don’t need people it’ll be easier, but I’m a little lost on how to get there

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what did you mean by this? little lost in how to survive without support?

@rav3n I want to be able to survive without support. Maybe it’s the constant conflict that I can’t seem to find people in my life who will support me. I try to convince myself I’m better off alone. I’ve had moments where I did convince myself. I just don’t want to need people because then I’ll be safe and I won’t hurt over feeling lonely. Though I’ll say this, I’ll take the loneliness of being alone over the loneliness of being surrounded by people who I can’t connect with. Ending up alone is hardly the worst thing, ending up alone with the wrong people is way worse