Listening to triggering music

do you mind sharing who those 'people' are that you've tried opening up to in the past @creative_writer are you referring to psychs, family, friends, GP, etc?

it is so important to have people and places hold space for us to be vulnerable and honest about our feelings/thoughts. in my experience, a lot of the people in my life simply couldn't and didn't hold space for me because to them, 'mental health' didn't exist and they didn't realise i had such strong feelings/thoughts. sometimes i had to create that space for myself first and then they learned to offer it.

just to be clear i'm not saying you should do this or anything! i just wanted to share this because you mentioned there's no point in trying - but if you wanted to 'try', i want you to know you can and it is possible for change to come out of it.

@rav3n I’m talking about parents. Though there are friends I felt couldn’t hold the space, we just conveniently lost in contact with each other. I didn’t bother reaching out, nor did they. I rather be surrounded by people who can handle me at my worst. I know that’s a lot to ask for. I don’t really talk to my GP, simply because I have never built that rapport with a GP. I do currently have a pdoc, I have shortlisted some psych and have to chose one to start seeing.

I often just give up reaching out for support, most people won’t understand and don’t like sitting with uncomfortable emotions. They’re more interested in fixing you than listening

@creative_writer do your parents know much about mental health in general? do they know about your mental health and the supports you've seeked (i.e. GP, psych, pdoc, etc)?

oh yep 100% hear you with the 'fixing you' rather than listening, my parents definitely treated me like that. from a family/friend pov, i do think the 'fixing' mindset comes from a place of fear and care. and sometimes they don't realise that simply sitting with you and listening solves half the problem. it's hard when they can't sit with that uncomfortable feeling with you, but perhaps with practice they can? thoughts?

i think that 'wanting people who can handle you at your worst' is a pretty common want. i definitely had that want too, especially from my family.

not sure if you relate to this but i think that sometimes when we've encountered childhood trauma we tend to be able to pick up on changes to emotions/moods really quickly, and so we can tell when our parents are mad before they say a word. and when we get older, i think a part of us expects our family/friends to pick up on our slight mood shifts or changes in behaviour the same way we did, and know that we're distressed. but that also means we expect them to almost 'read our minds/body language' rather than using words?

@rav3n they are aware I struggle with mental health and have sought professional help.

I’ve had friends who recommended things like going on a holiday or talking to family about how I feel even though I communicated I could not talk to family. A holiday may help temporarily but once you’re back the shit is still there. I thought at one point we connected well, but I don’t think we really did. I don’t think I realised until I stepped away and let the friendships go. It’s too much effort holding onto to those friendships. Im not blaming anyone, but people are often not as good listeners as they think they are. It’s not their fault they grew up in a society that felt uncomfortable with emotions. I rather have friends who will be okay with all side of me, the good and bad. I find superficial friends too exhausting. The thing is you’re barely going to find people who are the supportive type, so you might as well be alone than feel alone with people

@creative_writer that's great that they're aware of your mental health and know about you seeking support - it may not seem like a big enough step, but it is still a big one.

i agree, holidays are a nice lil escape for taking a break but definitely doesn't solve any problems, just delays facing them. when your friends mentioned the holiday suggestion, did you communicate to them that you weren't looking for a solution but just wanted a place to vent? if so, how did they respond?

i have a lil thought that i want to share but i'll wait for you response first (but if you're not open to hearing it, that's all good too just let me know).

@rav3n finding psychs is hard. I still need to ask about availability.

I feel like there is a huge difference in experiencing mental illness and just sadness. Depression cant just be lifted so easily. I didn’t communicate it, I’m not really good at communicating my needs at times. It probably just ended up with both of us getting frustrated. Though I’ll say this, a lot of people don’t know what to do about strong emotions unless you’re going into the MH field or in it. I found that the students in my social work course managed emotions differently.

I’m open for the thought. I’ll say this, I believe I have avoidant personality disorder tendencies (not diagnosed), but it is hard to break free from because avoiding is what I’ve known

@creative_writer fingers crossed you find a lovely psych soon!!

you pretty much jumped into exactly what i was going to talk about - i too noticed that people who have either studied/worked/had interest in mental health or had a mental health issues themselves tend to be really 'good listeners'. and in my experience when talking to people of different fields, they have different strengths in conversations - a lot of my friends who studied business tend to view emotional problems from a logical angle and say something like 'get more sleep, eat better and exercise, your mental health will be better'. and then i've had other friends who are more spiritual and tell me 'pray/meditate, spend time with nature, connect to god' . another has said, 'you can rant to me, i might not understand but i'm here to listen' and others just said 'let me send you memes and reels to cheer you up'.
i think all these friends are good listeners and give off great advice/support. for some the advice about sleep/eat/exercise is what they needed to hear, but for others they'd rather be cheered up, etc. none of them were wrong - but i think when you've associated with the mental health field, we perhaps expect our friends/family to almost be like 'therapists' and we want them to be comfortable sitting with our emotions. but for those who don't have that experience or understanding, sometimes we need to communicate exactly what we want from them - which isn't easy but is definitely worth it if we want to keep that person in our life for a long while.

and that's totally fine if you have avoidant personality disorder tendencies! i like sharing things i've learned and i like hearing your point of view too so i hope it comes off as mutual learning?

@rav3n I think being in the mental health field does shape your personality, even your emotional intelligence. It’s hard to connect with people who aren’t on the same level, so it’s probably just natural to feel that inclination. I do connect better with people who take a similar mental health approach, it’s just natural. Many doctors even have doctor friends.

I kind of wish I didn’t have avoidant tendencies, but trauma can explain extra cautious behaviour and difficulty in forming relationships. I don’t even know how to feel safe with people anymore.

I’m open to suggestion. I don’t like feeling pressured. But you don’t have to worry, you aren’t pressurising me 😊

Trying to keep tears in only sabtogages your mental and physical health, but it keeps everyone else happy. One day you become so good at mastering the secret of keeping tears in, your heart just gets used to keeping emotions in, so even if you try to let it out, it all stays in and suffocates you

@creative_writer yeah i see that too, a lot of people in the mental health field know how important it is to be heard and just sit with those feelings but i guess that means a lot of people outside that field (parents, friends, etc) do need to be told this so they can support us too.

i think when it comes to building your supports, it's up to you to decide who's worth the discussion.

as scary as it sounds, sometimes we might just need a leap of faith in opening up to people - and i know in the past you haven't seen the point in communicating to your friends how you want to be supported, what works/doesn't work for you - but i reckon when someone is important to you, they are worth the energy of trying.

i hear how the avoidant tendencies can make relationships and trusting people difficult. with my social anxiety, i was really avoidant in trusting and socialising with people, i kept over analysing everything and thinking people didn't care or want me around. it some time to break through that pattern (my psych was a big help) and some of the advice was based on focus on evidence/facts. e.g. my thought: a friend hasn't messaged me in a while so they don't care about me. i focus on facts and avoid assumptions - did this person say something that implies they don't care? could they just be busy dealing with their own problems? did i reach out to them to confirm this? etc.

i'm glad, i definitely have no intentions of pressuring you!! also how's today going for you?