Listening to triggering music

@Jynx I’m better but still not great.

Keeping it hidden does perpetuate stigma. I came across content today in how many Muslim women tend to stay silent about sexual violence in the context of war due to shame. There is definite cultural stigma at play. SA does happen outside the context of war in Muslim women too and I know people prefer not to talk about abuse because if the word goes out to the community, they are afraid of what people will say. Some cultures emphasise honour so much, it’s a struggle. I have integrated aspects of Western and Eastern culture into my identity, and sometimes they are both at conflict. I often feel torn. I want to be more open, but only to a certain degree. I don’t think it’s wise disclosing too much, I prefer privacy in my life. I know when it comes to forming deeper friendships, you need to be more vulnerable, I am slowly learning to be. I do have to draw the line, I wouldn’t want everyone to know about my personal struggles. I do not want to feel like I’m hiding my emotions so much of the time, I think having a safe place would be ideal, I’m just trying to figure out where I can find that place in my real life.

I do think I need to find a therapist who I can open up to about attachment trauma, even though I do feel guilty talking about it. It’s not something I can really talk about with friends. I don’t think family drama should be aired to everyone and at least in a therapy environment there is confidentiality. Sometimes I do feel guilty talking about stuff, but I don’t know how else I can heal

@creative_writer I totally agree that it is good to be selective about who we are vulnerable with. Like everything there has to be balance - vulnerability with the wrong people is unsafe, but being vulnerable with no one is also unsafe.

Yeah healing attachment wounds is tough work, and even that guilt about talking about it is something that would be helpful to work through with someone. You ever looked into Relationships Australia?

@Jynx identifying those safe people can be hard at times, especially if you’re often hypervigilant. Everything can feel unsafe.

I haven’t considered Relationship Australia but I will look into them.

I know there a trauma specific services available too like CASA but my last psych didn’t think CASA was a good fit for me

Oh truly @creative_writer why not?

And did you trust that psych to really know you and know what is good for you?

@Jynx it’s hard to explain. I guess due to complexities. I guess my mind was also set on not talking about details of trauma.

I don’t know if it will help. I’ve made up my mind of not talking about details. I may have felt more comfortable with my SANE counsellor than psych. I think it also helped that I did not have to talk about details. I felt like talking about the details has de-stabilised more than I initially thought, it was a gruesome process. I am afraid if I did go ahead with CASA they will ask me questions I am not willing to answer

@creative_writer aye, it sounds like for now that is the safest route you're feeling - however, I do think the CASA folks would be able to understand that this is where you're at. Just like anything in the MH world I imagine it would depend entirely on the person or people you were to work with, but AFAIK they're up with the latest in trauma-informed care. Might be one of those things where it is worth at least emailing them? If you explained some of the difficulties you're experiencing, how its impacting you, what you're keen to work on, what your boundaries are (i.e. not ready or willing to go into details), and maybe even ask about whether they have any Muslims you could work with (or at least inquire about their cultural competency) - they might still very much be able to help, because I sincerely doubt you'd be the first person to present with these kinds of issues.

I'm not trying to pressure you by any means - this is always your choice to make. I am just pointing out that the reasoning behind you not accessing this service might be relevant, but it might not be, and there's no harm in just asking.

@Jynx I can chew on the idea, I have also been looking at therapist profiles, might make a list of those. Sometimes they have the option to talk for a few minutes over the phone. I wonder if less talking therapies such as EMDR and somatic options would be a better option at this stage. Exposure therapy might not be the way to go right now. Talking about the trauma over and over again in detail doesn't really help. I don't want to be stuck in the past, I want to create new meaning and adjust my narrative for my life moving forward. My brain has convinced me that trauma is what I am and what I have become. I want to be more than my trauma

@creative_writer heck YES to the empowerment in this post!!

You will get there, I have alllll the faith in you 😁

I'm off!! Catch you next time hun 💜

@Jynx repeating my story sort of keeps me stuck in the past. I know on some level I need to talk about it. My thoughts suffocate me. Finding a suitable psych is hard with all my requirements, I’ve been able to find 2 so far, will try to find at least one more to shortlist. I hope you have a restful weekend 💖

I’m not feeling terribly good today, but I don’t even know what to do. I’ve had too many stomach butterflies

I'm lonely