Listening to triggering music

Might be playing devil's advocate here and I don't at all want to invalidate your emotional experience @creative_writer but isn't that kind of the point? That you're terrified in social situations making it difficult if not impossible to make friends? And so maybe what you need is a safe space where you know there's always gonna be support (i.e. group facilitators) AND you will already know that your experiences won't be ridiculed or invalidated because the other people there will likely have similar experiences. All progress takes place outside the comfort zone after all!

@creative_writer gossip culture would definitely have an impact, that's a really important insight.

Out of curiosity... what would be the outcome? What is the worst case scenario, like would your family disown you? Punish you? And would those potential (but not certain) outcomes truly be worse than living in anguish every day?

I am not trying to push you to do something that could potentially get you ostracised from community mind you. I am merely attempting to encourage you to consider whether these narratives are actually the truth or whether they're beliefs that have formed during childhood and become so automatic as to be assumptive.

I gotta dash hun, but I will catch you tomorrow if you're about! Nighty night 💜

Hey @creative_writer ,

Just popping in to say that I'm hearing you.

Hugs.

Do you think you are placing all this expectation on yourself @creative_writer ? I hear how much strain you are under. There is only so much you can handle. My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad you have found the forums a safe space.

I don't know what it's like to be the eldest and I'm the 'forgotten' middle child - that has it's own challeneges.

I hope you find a way to focus on the things that are meaningful for you.

As for me, I've had a bit of a headache all day, but it's all okay. Things just keep moving 🙂

@creative_writer how you going today hun? Hope you're avoiding the heat!!

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@creative_writer wrote:

I’m not super open about it because I want to avoid the lecturing on the ramifications it can have on the whole family

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Hmm.... well whether they like it or not, your parents DO have a child with significantly impactful mental health issues. Keeping that hidden from their community for the sake of not inconveniencing anyone is exactly what perpetuates stigma in the first place.

Not saying you ought to go confide in them or that you should try to make them into the supports that they have consistently failed to be for you. Nor am I saying you ought to go parading about and shouting your MI from the rooftops. I think what I'm trying to point out is how much the constant vigilance and constant hiding is draining all of your internal resources, leaving you stuck in survival mode. I'm saying that if the consequence for letting go just a little bit and letting your authentic self show just a little bit is a few lectures (which you can probably choose to ignore if they don't align with your values).... maybe it's worth it? I dunno, you tell me!

Just because you still live with your family doesn't mean you have to continue to play the role they gave you, or stymie your own journey to fit in with their expectations. You're an adult, which means you can be empowered to say 'Nope, not my narrative anymore.'