Listening to triggering music

Yep, bang on @creative_writer the lack of support or understanding sends our social brains and bodies the message that we should not be upset about this, or that we should just be able to cope on our own. NO ONE should have to cope alone, in any scenario, ever, least of all one so horrifyingly traumatising.

Aye, I wonder if you've maybe done enough - not all, but enough for now - processing on the intrapersonal level, and the next step is moving towards healing on the interpersonal level. The experience of sharing your story and actually having it acknowledged and your pain validated could be super healing.

Have you been working on attachment trauma in therapy or anything at all? It's fast becoming a special interest of mine, especially learning that the attachment needs we have as children don't go away or even diminish as adults - we still need to have a secure base and a safe haven to help us feel safe and supported. AND the fact that the stages of attachment bonding seen between babies/children and their primary caregivers is replicated when we go into attachment-based relationships as adults, including symbiosis, differentiation, synergy etc. It's super interesting!!

@Jynx it’s hard feeling as though you’ve been told to keep emotions inside you while growing up. I feel like I am responsible to making other people comfortable.

Th thing is, I don’t know how to do interpersonal healing if I am often so reluctant to reach out for support.

Attachment styles do get replicated in adult relationships. It explains why I am so cautious with people

Hey @creative_writer ,

I'm reading through your posts. You really are a BIG thinker, aren't you?

I can see how deeply you feel and how much you think about other people. I can see why you are so drawn to wanting to make others feel comfy. It sounds like it's in you.

@tyme I keep quiet to keep people comfortable. The other reason why I keep quiet at times is because I don’t have the words to explain the depth of my pain. I am often in the state of paralysis, I feel so much emotion but have no idea how to manage it. I may come across as self-aware and people may think I am good at articulating my emotions. I am only able to articulate to a certain extent, the rest stays under the surface. I can go to therapy and talk about things till I am blue in the face but there will always be stuff left unsaid. Maybe it’s a form of Alexithymia. But even if I was to go to therapy, there will always be this block. My body feel more emotions than my mind can comprehend. It becomes impossible to heal

@creative_writer morning!

Sounds like there's a desire to express these deeper emotions - does it feel like there's no words for them, or is it more that they're too big for the space and it feels 'inappropriate' or unsafe to divulge them?

Do you have somewhere to put them? As in:

Maybe it's less about inter vs. intrapersonal healing right now, and more about looking from a bottom-up (i.e. somatic) perspective instead of staying in the top-down (i.e. cognitive). I think sometimes we can intellectualise our emotions to the point of disconnecting from their felt sense, and so instead of actually processing them by feeling them, we just keep thinking about them, and they stay stuck inside us.

What do you reckon? Feel free to tell me I'm wrong!!

Anyway, hope your Sunday is nice n chill. No more heat, phew!!

@Jynx I reckon it’s a combination of not being able to find the words and not having a space to express them. I’ve tried poetry which can help when expressing emotions.

The thing about emotions is they are not always rational. I do try to make them rational. When they are not rational it leaves me feeling confused and lost. I’ve been looking for Psychs who offer other therapy modalities such as somatic therapy, schema therapy and internal family systems because I don’t think CBT will help at this point. It’s a shame that many of the specialised psychs are expensive.

I’m going out after lunch. Do you have plans for today?

Yeah nah 100% lol your cognitions are so fine @creative_writer CBT at this point would likely just be an exercise in frustration. Like I think your insights and thought processes are sooo insightful, and your capacity for self-reflection is very fine-tuned! But you're so right, not having that space that feels safe - and not just safe, I almost wanna say sacred too - to express all these feelings makes it very difficult indeed.

You ever like, thought about going to a poetry night or something?

@Jynx CBT can sometimes across as invalidating. Like I already know these thoughts aren't rational. But the body feels what it feels. It is obvious emotions are stored in my body, yesterday I had another body flashback. My flashbacks are always body sensations. Though I do think I need to be cautious with certain relaxation exercises such as full body scans, those trigger me so much. I much prefer the grounding and breathing exercises with my eyes open.

I never considered going to a poetry night. I am sure there will be poetry groups in Melbourne. During my undergraduate years I attended creative writing events and meetings at uni, but I haven't done anything like that since then.

@creative_writer oh that's rough hun. I have totally gotten body flashbacks before, they're so gnarly, and can be so confusing at times too! But yeah, if any opportunity for some somatic therapy comes your way I'd jump on it! How do you go with things like yoga?

I can sorta... picture you getting some stuff out if you were to do a poetry reading some time! Like, that would potentially be a space where you could unleash a whole bunch. Just a thought hehe

@Jynx I found Pilates easier for my body than yoga. It just works better with my joints🤨. Or at least during the yoga class I felt lots of strain bending my neck downwards repeatedly.

Body flashbacks are indeed gnarly and confusing. Not sure what triggered it. I’ve been getting teary spells lately too.

The thing about poetry is you don’t have to tell people your personal story, the meaning is often ambiguous. Nonetheless it’s powerful because it still allows you to express yourself. I’ve found myself pondering over how much of my story do I really need to share in therapy. Like with my current SANE counsellor I haven’t shared the details but I’ve found it helpful. Obviously I still gave her some context. Sometimes I feel sceptical if sharing my story in detail is necessary. They often say to speak your mind freely, but sometimes sharing your story repeatedly can sort of de-stabilises you and can sort of keep you stuck in a way. I have had several sessions that included re-telling my story with my last psych, but it only got me so far. I often would end up leaving triggered. Not sure if this experience is common among other clients or maybe I’m just an oddball