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Some serious accusation

NeedmorecatsCasual Contributor17 Oct 2024, 2:58 pm AEDT

Some serious accusation

I don't know if this is the right space for this, but I don't know how to manage myself out of this.

My husband left me quite suddenly last month with zero explanation and blocked me from all communication channels. He has essentially ghosted me. I left a few voicemails and sent the same email from different legitimate accounts. I also reached out to mutual friends and got no clarity.

Then out of the blue I heard from Family Law lawyers advising he doesn't want to talk to me and we need to sort out property settlement. I offered both mediation and counselling just so I can get some closure and understanding.

The lawyers wrote a harsh email back that alleges our relationship (12 years of it) was "fraught with difficulty as a result of emotional and psychological abuse perpetrated" by me. He has never once raised that with me and I take this very seriously. I don't want to be that kind of person.

This sent me down a pretty black hole where I am questioning everything I know and my sense of self. I have been going around and around wondering if I have been so unaware or have terrible recall that I can't pin point what exactly I did. I don't want to invalidate his feelings and experience but I don't know what to do. I can't manage the dark thoughts that insist that I am a terrible person even if it was unintentional. Is that who I naturally am? I don't think I have the opportunity to make amends or do anything about it. I am really stuck in this loop.

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In response to: Some serious accusation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Oct 2024, 2:43 am AEDT

Re: Some serious accusation

Thanks @oceangirl ….. I think the SANE community in general is awesome. Thanks so much for tagging me 💕

@Needmorecats you have a lot to think about, and you’re clearly heart-sore by these events. We are here if / when you want to talk some more. Sending lots of virtual hugs ….. we are often stronger than we know in the face of adversity, but it often requires a run-up, or repeated run-ups to find our new footing, and the pathway forward. Just keep swimming !!!

In response to: Re: Some serious accusation

NeedmorecatsCasual Contributor21 Oct 2024, 2:01 pm AEDT

Re: Some serious accusation

@Faith-and-Hope Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry that it happened to you but glad to know that you have come out the other side stronger and better, Being able to support your family as well as strangers on this forum is sign of incredible strength.

If my actions and harsh words over the years of the relationship is truly perceived as abuse to him, I can only hope that I can learn from this and be a better person in the future. I think my anxiety is that I worry and feel guilty that I must have missed something or that I will hurt other people with my words and actions as well, especially when I cannot identify a specific example of abuse. But I guess the definition is it is a sustained pattern and the little things each time build up to a whole lot.

In response to: Re: Some serious accusation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor21 Oct 2024, 3:53 pm AEDT

Re: Some serious accusation

Keep taking care of you @Needmorecats and reach out if you need support and advice at any stage in your journey. We will redirect you to professional services for legal or medical advice, but emotionally supportive suggestions here are generally wise and validating.

It’s a good thing to self-reflect and try to work out what we can or could have done better, but please bear in mind that it may not be you who is the abusive one, if the sort of interactions you have had are of a “usual” nature when people are upset and not communicating or receiving communication effectively. A counselled can help you work out where the “normal” boundaries are, and who and how one or both of you may have been overstepping. An appointment or two can really help with clarity, and some counselling sessions or ongoing supports can be free of charge.

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