Some serious accusation

@Needmorecats I can hear how much of a shock this whole thing has been for you.

I can only imagine how jarring it would be feeling to suddenly have your whole relationship presented in this way that was not your experience at all. It's understandable that this would have you questioning your actions and how they could have been perceived this way.

I'm really glad that you've felt safe to share this here and I'm wondering if you've been able to talk to anyone else about this? Perhaps talking to friends who knew you both could help to offer some perspective as well as support.

Hi there @Needmorecats ,

I'm sorry to hear about what has happened. It is understandable that you do not know where you stand right now.

At this time, do you have legal representation for yourself? The Family Relationship Advice Line might be a good place to start: https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/legal-advice#:~:text=The%20Family%20Relationship%20Advice%20Line,simple%20advice%20about%20family%20law.

As hard as it is, it's important you look after yourself.

We are pleased you were able to reach out to the community here for support.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

hi @Needmorecats (nice name by the way) what a terrible feeling it must be for you right now! A sudden break up is difficult enough, but to be so blindsided and have no idea what the issues was must make it so incredibly confusing and difficult to even know where to start.

I like to think, in a lot of cases, that if a person has the awareness to ask themselves if they were wrong... they usually weren't. I'm a guy, if that makes a difference, and this whole situation even baffles me. If he had all these issues and has had enough, then you think he would enjoy finally telling you what he felt he had been putting up with for so long. Keeping everything so silent and only voicing vague accusations through a lawyer, just makes me feel like there is far more to this. Like there is something he is not telling you for his own reasons. I don't know... has he met someone else and is looking for a quick way out of the marriage without telling you to your face??? I myself have so many questions... i really struggle to imagine how much more you would have in your head right now!

I know people outside of a relationship don't always see what goes on internally, but if it was this bad, sure there would be some red flags! And yes, your friends may just be trying to protect and reassure you, but seeing ho this is effecting you i'm would imagine, even if they thought of something so tiny that would say it, even just to give you something to think about rather than be stuck in this "What did I do loop".

You mentioned he has talked about his father's emotional abuse growing up. My only other thought is that maybe this trauma was well hidden (we can do that quite easily some times) and there was just some innocuous thing that was such a major trigger for him that it sent him into some massive emotional reaction. I wish I had some answers for you, but without him communicating anything, it's so hard. Which clearly I don't need to tell you. It seems just as strange and confusing to me to be honest. I will say that by posting your experience here and reading what you've written, you just don't seem like an emotional and psychological abuser to me. For what that's worth. I just don't think you be asking these questions if you were.

We're here for you and I really hope you can get some more clarity on this situation soon, but we're with you while you try to make any sense out of this. Dont forget to try and take look after yourself as well and I know it so hard right now, but try not to beat yourself up too much for something someone doesn't have the decency to tell you you did. Easier said than done I know.

@MJG017 thank you for your kind words. I

know that I have said things and acted in certain ways that have hurt him, especially during arguments. I am not proud of those moments. I think I am shocked to learn that those instances (or others) be perceived as abuse and for that to be told to a lawyer who work in family law use such harsh words. I have called the Family Relationship advice line as one person suggested but they can't really provide me with advice on how to process and how to move forward.

Hi @Needmorecats . Maybe try journaling or voice-recording a journal for yourself about your relationship?

@Needmorecats

Sorry to hear you're going through this. You need to look after yourself ie the divorce process. Because your ex-husband is certainly looking after himself.

You need to protect yourself and don't worry about his feelings because he is not worried about yours. Be kind to yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

@Faith-and-Hope I was hoping you could give a little bit of support and insight

@Needmorecats It siunds like an impossible situation for you. If you did say things that hurt him so badly, then why not let you know, giving you a chance to apologise, which he could accept or reject but at least you would know. Saying nothing seems like its own form of abuse. If he was so upset by things you said, why stay silent until now? If he told you at the time, maybe this could all have been avoided. Its hard to change any behaviour if we dont know there is something wrong. Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers and so communication is the key. Maybe some of that before, rather nmthan now through a lawyer would have been benficial for the both of you, but HE decided to handle any issues this way. Ask youself if he had said something at the time, would you have tried to not do what upset him again? If you think you would have, what else more could you have done to change how things have ended? I cant think of many.

Maybe talking to a cousellor or psychologist can help you to process this and find a way to move on. You deserve that as much as anyone else

Hi @Needmorecats

I went through a very baffling period of 5-10 years while the ex appeared to change his personality and value system, becoming increasingly emotionally abusive and more and more controlling. He had been a “workaholic” who retired when we sold our business and I thought he wasn’t coping. He had addictions that are difficult to recognise because they centre around diet and exercise, so I blamed this initially,, but his need to control also extended into electronic stalking. His moods went “offline” and the rages and manipulation and sabotage of personal and family plans, not only over me, but also the 4 youngest of 5 adult children who were still living at home, before he left - in the throes of an affair, and revealing long-term financial abuse.

I had been reaching out to the family doctor, and then online supports for a long time, but the behaviours were so extreme and also so well hidden that I wasn’t believed, and few professionals wouldn’t even listen to me without a diagnosis in place over the ex. Of course he wasn’t going to line up for one-a those !!!!

My legal battle was 4 years long, and he deprived me of spousal support throughout that time, eventually conceding to part property settlements, which meant I was spending money which should have been going towards my future needs, but it was necessary, because he had used my trust in him to sink me into massive debt. We had been married for 35 years, but that meant nothing to him.

While my divorce is behind me now, I have dependent adult children, and one is substantially disabled, so his influence is still in our lives, but I rarely see him in person.

I encourage you to seek both legal representation, which you will need regardless, and psychological counselling to support you through understanding what has happened to him, particularly through his emotionally abused childhood, and what that means for you now. That’s no excuse, by the way, for what he is doing to you. It’s an abuse to leave a relationship of 12 years suddenly and ghost you before issuing legal action, unless he was truly the one being abused, which is clearly not what you have described.

While we can support you here from the sidelines, and that is also very important in your situation, you will need in-person professional support that can assess your situation personally and specifically in ways that we can’t. So the services you have around you, including the SANE community compliment each other.

You are not alone ….. 🌷💕

@Faith-and-Hope

Thank you for responding and sharing your story. You're awesome💙