Is meaningful change possible

@Former-Member There is so much change in today's society. its difficult to adapt constantly. I hope you find another form of outreach that is satisfying. It is a changing sector, but some of the newer organisations have good aspects to them. Dont give up on having your own activity outside family.

Your daughter is at a difficult age to parent. We dont want to put more pressures on them when they are also vulnerable but walking on egg shells doesnt help either. Getting the right level of expectation is tricky and personal.

It can be amazing how things can come together for them. @Former-Member It was a light-hearted intimate moment and I do appreciate that he asked. Tonight we did Shakespeare monologues and interactions. He told me off (mildly) for playing around (being too melodramatic in reading my lines) when he was working, but it was all in good fun. Its so lovely to be able to really enjoy our children.

ED

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@Appleblossom wrote:

@Former-Member

Your daughter is at a difficult age to parent. We dont want to put more pressures on them when they are also vulnerable but walking on egg shells doesnt help either. Getting the right level of expectation is tricky and personal.

It can be amazing how things can come together for them.

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Hi @Appleblossom

That is the tricky hard part - knowing when to say something, when to not and how to approach someone that mostly blasts abuse at me. She did listen and appreciate me again for awhile when she left the abusive ex but has gone back to her volatile moods. It's impossible to talk to her. I usually have to text for her to listen. I thinks she's tipped over, that's my fear. She told her GP she is seeing things but she can't be treated until she stops drinking.

I did drink myself when very young coming from an abusive background but I was different. Stronger I think, not sure, but very different.

I live in hope it comes together but she is not doing anything to help herself and is so self destructive. The situation is presently dire. My GP feels so sorry for myself and husband as he can't believe how we are still coping as in his words "the stress has been relentless for 10 yrs". He wants to suggest to her to apply for public housing (he is her GP also).

I do believe in hope and better outcomes - but I am wondering if I can endure until then. The stress is starting to give me chest pains which I have told no one of yet. And I have been so strong but the cracks are starting to appear. Something has to give.

Its so wonderful to read the joy you share with your son. A true priceless treasure. It makes me so happy to read that tears fill my eyes 💕🤗

If it is taking a toll on your health @Former-Member, then separate living might be the way forward, but it sounds like she will still need your support anyway ... which is possible if she accepts the change from the gp's suggestion rather than feeling she is being turfed out of the nest.

I'm posting this for @Former-Member .... but I know you and @Appleblossom will appreciate it too ....

Thanks @Former-MemberI wanted to share the good and you know I have had a lot of stressful times too.

Its terrible that she has not been able to manage her anger better and it has been focussed on you for so long. My brother did that to my mother and it was not good for him either. i was very very very worried it might happen to my son and I.

If she cant get a better handle on it .. and the GP can swing things then maybe separate living quarters will help you a bit. I have suggested it to my son when he get antsy, cos when he wants to throw his weight around .. there is an awful lot of it, but he really has made a decision not to be a violent aggressive person .. he has learned to channel it into his music and acting .. I so respect that in him... but it is also what I have done.

Have you been straight up in talking about her anger in the cooler terms of tools for management.

That she would have to be mindful of much more boring stuff if she has her own household.

Does she have any other interests talents that she could focus on more than feeling its the end of her world because of her diagnosis or her relationship. Or that could help her emotional regulation. or a special holiday place that soothes and settles her ..

Sorry .. too many questions .. but I was shocked a few months ago when it came out. I have seen how considerate you are on the forum and it is tragic to think she foolishly is messing up so much.

Some people say girls are harder through teens, not that I managed my girls through that period. They would have battered me to bits, and decided to get on with their lives than to just vent, and I got out of the firing line.

Zero tolerance for being a punching bag .. 10 years is too long. She would feel so much better about herself if she used the energy to run around the block .. or ... sew an outfit ..

.. its just my way of engaging

@Former-Member .... sorry I need bringing up to speed .... is she / has she seen a psychologist re her past trauma ?

💗

@Former-Member

I figured something like that happened .. lol ..just made me smile at dumb computers.

Hi @Appleblossom

I just read your post now. Had to retire early as chest pains were gripping. Feel better now but I will have to get this checked out if they continue. I do feel the pain is stress related (the trigger). But could be indicative of angina or worse. That can't happen.

We have tried everything with her, including anger management. You are spot on with this - she has major problems here that nearly resulted in tragic outcomes in the past. Although I feel for her pain she does need to help herself. I don't think she will do this while here as she tends to give into her pain (it's too easy for her). I made it too easy, am partly to blame, thinking I was helping. I think I just enabled. I will let some things slide because she is genuinely troubled and in distress - but I can't let it all as she won't learn to stand on her own two feet and will hit rock bottom.

So I have been relentlessly been trying for years and we just seem to keep going back to the same problems as she won't try. And it is now taking its toll on our health. Yes, most of the time we have been punching bags - that is very true. And I am physically and mentally drained.

I woke up this morning to the Sound of the surf and rain - with mist over the mountains in the background. And everything was quiet. I took this opportunity to rest in the moment and am feeling replenished for it. Nature is the best isn't it. Feeling stronger (with daughter asleep) I found the mojo to seek out other commercial premises for our charity. I found a shop for lease I thought suitable and put my husband onto it; to make a long story short he rang them and it looks like we may have struck up a deal for a new premise. Now it's convincing other board members who seem to think it's all too much....but I think we can keep this charity going now. So that's good news. I don't know where I find those reserves sometimes...But you are right, I have to keep ties up with my pursuits outside the home. I need purpose and do care...Thank you.

I love the way you enjoy time with your son - these moments are what incorporates true happiness I believe, what makes it worthwhile. I know you have struggled and this is such a positive outcome which is so wonderful. I love how people's lives come together through not giving up. I intended to do the same but can't pretend it won't incorporate heartbreak which I try and avoid. Too much grief in my life my friend but I will push forward. Thankyou for being there ❤️🌹xx