Adoption Perspectives.

Hi @MJG017

Thanks for this thread.

I am a sibling of an adoptee.

I always knew my brother was adopted but didn’t consider him any differently from my other brothers. He was just my brother. I got separated from him when I was almost 9 because of divorce. When I visited him when I was 17 he told me that he wanted to find his birth family but it was too hard. He is not in contact with either of our parents and neither am I but when I was 18 my Mum said that all his information was in some lawyers office in Perth. I wonder now if my brother ever did Ancestry dna to find his biological family. As you can tell I am not in contact with 3 of my brothers due to family breakup and breakdown. I have always wondered how he felt about being adopted.

@OaktreeThe whole Ancestry DNA thing is very big in America, main because they have big issues getting their records. Here in SA, it was as simple as filling in a form to apply for you adoption records. It was free but took 6 or 7 months, but I got a phone call saying they had them ready but they like to go through the basic details over the phone with you before giving you access to them. Than was an phone call I'll never forget. The first thing she told me was by birth name. That was something I'd never thought about before. So it may just be that easy to do over there.

Basically, in WA, he would probably just need to go here...

https://www.wa.gov.au/organisation/department-of-communities/past-adoption-information-and-support

It used to be a lot harder to get adoption information. But a lot of campaigning got the laws changed and now can't be blocked from adoptees wanting to access them. So if you do ever take to him again...

It's hard to say how he felt about it. Did he act differently to your other brothers? Did he seem like more of a loner? Was he more guarded with his emotions, or seemed more introverted? That can come from the adoptive parents as well so it's hard to tell without taking to him, unless you remember anything about him that may have hinted to how he felt. The fact that he said he wanted to find his birth family sounds like he probably did have a lot of questions and thought about them quite a bit. But that's just a guess. As id him saying it was too hard. He may have tried, and it was too hard back then, or he may have just not wanted to talk about it. Although the fact that he told you he wanted to look seems to argue against that.

@MJG017

I just searched him up and found him on Facebook. I left messages for him. It was his birthday yesterday but I had no idea when it was. He lives in Melbourne.

Thanks for that link - I will send that to him. I told him I would like to reconnect with him. I would love to ask him if he felt different or not wanted or something

Thank you for this thread @MJG017 and I am with you, adoption and mental health are inextricably linked.

@Oaktree I'm the sibling of an adoptee too - my older sister was just 4 months old when my parents adopted her from Korea. I think being Korean and growing up with a white family in rural Australia brought another layer of challenges for her, on top of always wondering why she was given up at birth. Racism is a lot worse in the country.

I don't think she has any interest in finding her birth family at this stage... I imagine it would be difficult even if she did, as they wouldn't even speak the same language. But yeah I mean, I've known her my whole life, I've never seen her as anything other than my sister. But I know it was a lot harder for her to be able to find that acceptance, of herself and of her place in our family, and in this country too.

@Jynx @MJG017

My older brother was adopted at birth.
He didn’t really show signs of struggling with his adoption as a kid but I know that he has struggled with dependency issues as an adult. I am not sure if this had anything to do with his adoption status

Hard to say @Oaktree I guess like anything in life it could be a confluence of factors

@Oaktree Well done. I hope he's receptive to catching up with you. It would be interest to hear what he thinks about his adoption. My oldest sister (who was also adopted out) say she was really close to her adoptive family. But even so she is 9 years older than me is still single and had a lot of similar issues to me. She also always wanted kids but never found anyone to do that with. She eventually became a neonatal nurse because she figured if she couldn't have babies, she'd work around them. I did talk to her about a month ago and we do get on well, but I'd love to be close to her.. she's my big sister and I wish I could spend more time with her.

To be honest Oaktree, apart from being a bit shy, I don't think anyone would have though I showed sign of it either. I learned to hide that lack of confidence quite well and even into my 20s. I would just pretend I was happy being by myself and always hid my troubles from everyone. As a smaller kid, I don't think I thought here was much of a problem. I just assumed most kids were like me. I didn't really realise until after primary school that kids had been spending time out of school together, going to birthday parties etc. It was high school by the time I realised and started to see myself a bit differently, that there was something not right with how I connected (or didn't) with other people. I'm not saying your brother was the same, but it wouldn't surprise me. Like I said, I would be curious to know.

If you've never read up on insecure attachment styles, I'd suggest having a quick read and seeing if any of it sounds like your bother and how he is as an adult. It seems to be extremely common for adoptees to have these issues to some degree.

@JynxI can imagine how hard it would have been for your sister. Overseas adoptees do seem to have far more problems finding their families and even if they do, trouble connecting with them. But any reunions, if they happen, seem to be so unpredictable as to how they go. You said she found it a lot harder to find that acceptance... so does that mean she did finally found it, especially with herself and the family?

@MJG017 yeah she has definitely become a lot more settled in her identity I think, and like she's got a son now too, and he's such a great kid. Bit of a tumultuous start to life (which is several other longer stories) but I know that my sister's priorities shifted a lot when he was born. She's also done a crapton of work on her recovery over the years too, as she has had...hmm almost the whole 'alphabet soup' of mental health diagnoses.

So yeah for her, I think the journey was less about reconnecting to biological family, and more about creating family of her own.

@JynxI remember going to a cousins wedding when I was about 8 or 9. I watched him up there in front of everyone and thinking how much I would hate it when I got old enough and had to do that in front of people. After all, that's what happens when you get older, you get married and then you have kids. That was my thinking at the time. But then I thought about the having kids part. And it hit me! When I did that, I would be normal! I would have my own family, my own kids who were mine... I'd be just like everyone else finally. From that moment I saw it as the solution and that's was all I wanted out of life. It never happened, but I do still think it would have been a massive help at the time for me to let it all go. I'm glad it seems to have worked out for your sister. It's always nice to hear a 'good news' story about a fellow adoptee.

My adoptive younger brother turned out a lot better than me. He has his own family, a good job and always had lots of friends growing up. I was always the good kid, never got in any trouble. But he was always in trouble as a kid... always! I look back now and wonder if he just got it all out of his system when he was younger, where as I just hung onto it and suffered for far longer with my adoption because of it.

@MJG017 @Jynx

I just managed to get an old phone number for my brother. It’s off my other brother’s old phone. My sister in law got it for me. I am hoping my brother hasn’t changed his number