Losing Friends, Too Much For Them

Hi @MJG017

I am sorry you had the experience of losing friends with your medical issue, It is heartwarming some old friends showed kindness of heart in being there for you.

I do wonder if a part of it is that as a society, we spend our whole lives pretending to be invincible and immortal. Distractions of consumerism, perfection as portrayed everywhere we look on social media.

Some friends who are not necessarily living with trauma just can't find have the bubble of calm invaded in a way they find uncomfortable.

I value authenticity regardless of it being negative or positive. Whenever we feel fragile and honestly speak of our current feelings, I feel we do get to learn so much about the inner core of those around us.

Difficult when sometimes there is no capacity to second guess why people react the way they do.

Thank goodness for old friends. I have one very old friend who does not understand mental health at all, in fact she is of the snap out of it mindset. However, she is present and the one checking in. The gems are uncovered in places so unexpected 🦋

Hi @Former-Member

Your "The picture of Dorian Gray", coping mechanism is really quite beautiful as a coping mechanism.

If it has worked for you in a soothing way then it's wonderful. I am part of a community,(or was), pre breakdown, of people who collect beautiful ethereal fantasy dolls. The psychology behind so many of these collectors is much the same in a way, an inanimate object to create a story of self, someone lost, time gone by. The escape is more or less the same. When I lost a partner years ago, I created a whole story using dolls, sounds weird I know😊. I could take my mind to that story whenever the world felt too much.

Yes, I hear you on labelling people as toxic, narcissistic etc. Even pre Covid a whole movement began that urges and supports people to cut out people who cause any ripple of discomfort in lives. I know some people have very valid reasons to go non contact and should. The level of encouragement to do this does seem to encourage those who could otherwise communicated, worked through issues and learned that every single one of us has the ability to be any label anyone could possibly throw at us at some point in our lives, just being a human navigating life does that. It's something that I have noticed very much as a whole generation of ghosted, cancelled people seem to be out in the world hurting.

I also find intimacy difficult, a great over thinker and loner really. I also would much prefer difficult conversations, honest dialogue and notting out interpersonal problems rather than just sudden cut off situations.

It's great you bought up cancel culture because yes, I am sure it exists in MH as well as so many other areas.

Hi@Louie333.

I think that that's a big part of it these days, but I also think there's a bit of not needing to be reliant on other people these days. Everything is a click of an app away. If you're sick and don't want to cook, click Uber. To tired to go shopping... click on Coles and they'll bring it toy your door. We don't need to know out neigbours anymore and we can all live quite easily without even even leaving the house if we really wanted to. I think we've lost that connection with other people in our communities. So with that, we've lost a bit of compassion and empathy for others.

Its one of the silver linings to going through a tough time. You really do learn who are the people around you that you can really count on to help you when you need it. Like your friend, sometimes we don't even need someone to understand what we're going through, just a friendly face to check in and ask how we're doing can work wonders.

@Louie333

I've never heard of using fantasy dolls as a form of therapy. I guess it is similar to my fantasy world as they both tell a story about our feelings, past and present and we can go there whenever we need to. I don't think it’s weird at all. We all have our way of coping.

I really hope your friend contacts you with the true reason why she ghosted you. Sometimes we just don't want to show our true selves to people for fear of being judged, or worst, rejected. I agree it is preferable to have an honest dialogue rather than just cutting someone off as it leaves you feeling confused and trying to guess why they don't want to talk to you anymore. I'd rather them just say "I want to live my best life while I can and at the moment I can't deal with other people's mental health problems" than just ghosting me. I'd probably hate them, but at least I'd know the real reason I was ghosted. My neighbours do that to me, when I retired they took an interest in me but then suddenly just blanked me, which left me feeling very confused and embarrassed when I had to pass them in the street.

Sending you lots of hugs.

R 🌻

@MJG017 Good point,

So much click and instant gratification, a whole lot less social interaction.

I can't even remember a world where the go to was not google. As someone who has had ongoing issues with agoraphobia, I do wonder if the ability to almost everything from home makes it a lot harder to feel connected to the real world and overcome social anxiety.

At one point I didn't go past my letterbox for 4 years. There is no way that would have been possible without clicking online!

During bushfires, covid, endless flood rains, a small earthquake, all the neighbours came rushing out and we stood in the street talking. It was quite marvellous! The sense of community momentarily restored. What a shame everyone scuttles back int their own worlds in non disaster times.

I do actually visit my neighbour because he has a terminal illness. We text a lot which actually helps me as much as it helps him to feel connection.

Yes, here is to friends who may not understand yet are willing to turn up and be that familiar friendly face, they are the small wonders who make a big difference🦋

@Former-Member

There is a whole community of ball jointed doll collectors, because many are hyper realistic it is easy to see why they become a sort of fantasy escapist role play. We do indeed all have our own way of coping.

I love your honesty, it makes me laugh, I absolutely would hate them too;). Yet at least knowing where you stand is a good thing.

Don't be embarrassed by your neighbours ghosting. That is their issue, their insecurity. You have every right to breathe the air, walk along the street around the nurturing space of your home and surroundings.

Perhaps manifest your alter ego whenever you pass them and smile slightly because you don't need their approval. You are enough as corny as that comes across 🥰

Many hugs to you.

@Louie333

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So much click and instant gratification, a whole lot less social interaction.

I can't even remember a world where the go to was not google.

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Maybe i'm dating myself here, but not only do I remember Yahoo, Altavista, and Excite before Google, I remember the days before the internet and web were even a thing.

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As someone who has had ongoing issues with agoraphobia, I do wonder if the ability to almost everything from home makes it a lot harder to feel connected to the real world and overcome social anxiety.

At one point I didn't go past my letterbox for 4 years. There is no way that would have been possible without clicking online!

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I'm sure it does have an effect. You don't really need to try and overcome it if it is so easy to avoid it. Think about how few people in your life you really can't escape connecting with in person. It wouldn't be many if you discount people you live with. If I had a PC and the internet when I was growing up I don't think I would have ever left my room. I'd still probably be there today. Even studying these days is mostly online. Apart from primary and high school goes... but for how long. Not having the internet, made me to go out and talk to people. I didn't always like it and I certainly didn't like all the anxiety even the thought of it caused, but I couldn't escape it. Slowly over time, even I became better at it. Not great, or even good, but enough to get by. If I'd had a choice, none of that practice would have happened and I'd probably still be a hermit. Well, a lot more than I am now anyway 🙂

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During bushfires, covid, endless flood rains, a small earthquake, all the neighbours came rushing out and we stood in the street talking. It was quite marvellous! The sense of community momentarily restored. What a shame everyone scuttles back int their own worlds in non disaster times.

I do actually visit my neighbour because he has a terminal illness. We text a lot which actually helps me as much as it helps him to feel connection.

Yes, here is to friends who may not understand yet are willing to turn up and be that familiar friendly face, they are the small wonders who make a big difference🦋

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I'll drink to that! 🍻 ...and well done for being such a good friend to your neighbour. I'm sure he appreciates your visits so, so much. It used to be something anyone would do, but sadly, not any more.

@Louie333

How are you going?

I remember last year I couldn't leave my house for nine months because I had become agoraphobic. I bought my food online but dreaded having to greet the delivery person. Eventually I ventured back to my usual, and cheaper, supermarket so all is good now. It reminded me of a book I read call "Shut-ins" a Japanese term called hikikomori, or the "shut-ins" an extreme form of agoraphobia.

I'll definitely try manifesting into my alter ego when I next go out and see how it goes. Some times I get from point A to point B without incident but other days I come home exhausted by the insensitivity of people.

Do you think your ball jointed dolls could help you at the moment, especially while your pyschologist is away? At least it may give you some distraction from your thoughts. Audiobooks can also be a great place to escape into. I'm glad you have one good friend who checks in on you even if she is one of those 'no nonsense people'. Sometimes, people like that can do you the world of good as they focus on other things than MI.

I'm sorry to hear about your neighbour but how lucky he is to have you next door. Nice to see that someone still checks in on their neighbours. With Christmas approaching I have no doubt the usually people will do the rounds of the ABC local radio shows encouraging people to check in on their lonely neighbours. They certainly don't check in on me and I'm grateful for that. 😉

Take care,

R 🌻

Hi, yes it's about abandonment trauma, we all have it to varying degrees of course, that 7 yr old protecting themselves involuntarily from the pain of not being enough never really leaves us, some of us feel that going through the pain is too hard, how ever we use our experience of the fire, it can be to warm us up and be comfortable with the pain or burn us down only to rebuild and learn from it...

The journey continues with or without others, find your tribe, they are looking for you too 🙏