Losing Friends, Too Much For Them

Hey @Louie333 I am so sorry that this has happened, it sounds like you're really at a loss in terms of knowing where you stand with this person. I'm hearing that the friendship, prior to your mental health stuff, was really meaningful! Perhaps this person doesn't really know what to do to be supportive - I could easily imagine that being too scared of saying the wrong thing would potentially cause them to stop reaching out all together.

Perhaps a thought - let them know that maybe right now what you need more than anything is stability? You could reassure them you're seeking some support elsewhere, so your friend doesn't have to 'know the right thing to say' or anything. You can then reaffirm that you only told them this stuff because you felt safe with them, not because you expected them to do anything about it, and that you'd like things to go back to how they were, with more chats and stuff. How do you think something like that would land?

I have also experienced situations when after telling people about my true personality they stop communicating with me. It saddens me, and I am sorry I don't know why people react this way.

I feel there was a definite cut off point where not answering a call I made to her and not messaging at all in two weeks was her way of telling me this felt unsafe for her. What I told her was about the urge to head hit and how medication meant you may still have the thought but did not act on it. That seemed to be a major trigger as the last message she sent was to say that was too disturbing.

I do think I made it very clear I had no expectations of any support other than not to give up on me.

Before my last message, my friend was very encouraging, she brought little gifts and said she would be there because she could and wanted to be.

Knowing her personal history that has some very rocky parts she is trying to heal from, I feel too fragile to risk rejection by trying to reach out to her in case it is as I suspect, the end of a really lovely friendship. Thank you for being encouraging, I will try and reach out to see if our friendship can be salvaged in any way when I am a bit further down the recovery I hope comes. You are right, just knowing the stability of having friends there is more than enough.

It makes me feel so worthless to have this happen because of my mental health.

@Louie333 that is fair, it sounds like you have a lot of respect for this person and their needs, the kind of respect that can be rare - which is that you see them as a whole person, with their own history and their own triggers. I think the greatest part of being able to take that perspective, is the ability to see the nuance of this situation, rather than taking their silence as a direct reflection of your worth.

Sounds like you have good instincts on when/if you might be able to reach out to this person in the future. And like.... Just my opinion but I don't think this happened 'because of your mental health', but more because sometimes, when two traumatised people come together, they end up having conflicting needs and can unwittingly end up being triggers for one another. That's no one's fault, nor does it mean either person is to be blamed or ought to be ashamed... just means it wasn't the right place or time for that relationship to bloom. Or at least that's how I see it, when this kinda thing has happened to me! And our narratives can make a huge difference to how we recover so, maybe that's where you can focus your energy. Food for thought, anyway 😊

I'm about to head off for the night, perhaps I'll catch you next time - feel free to tag me if you'd like to keep chatting (when making a post, use the @ symbol to show a drop down and select the name from the list so it shows up in blue) 😉

It is indeed @P12 sending you some hugs too my friend 🫂

Hi @Jynx Thank you, I was confused by the @ and how that worked;)

You have a really valid point about two people with trauma coming together being potentially triggering.

It is really great to reframe away from feeling like the cause of this friendship breakdown.

In this case, what you said made me think of the vulnerable place my absent friend was in when she shared some of her personal story with me. I was aware she had not shared this with anyone.

I now see that to have me as her strong yet soft landing place fall apart would have felt terribly uncomfortable for her 🦋. Most certainly collided together at the wrong time.

I think that having the thought of being able to find the right words to express that I realise why she walked away is somehow giving me some comfort. We may never be able to repair the friendship yet acknowledging the time as something that was positive feels important. Leaving a door open feels important because the future may or may not hold a right time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom, hugs🥰

I am sorry losing friends has happened due to your mental health struggles as well.

We are so many things that are worthy, humans just seem to get frightened of what they can't understand or have no lived experience of.

Many visual hugs to you 🦋🦋🦋

Hi @Louie333

I must say this has been a very interesting post with some excellent replies. Thank you for raising the topic as mental illness (MI) contributes to the increase of loneliness around the world.

I have always had a fear of emotional intimacy so it is very hard for me to make meaningful friendships. Instead I live in a fantasy world where I become someone else. It's like Oscar Wilde's book "The picture of Dorian Gray", my alter ego is beautiful, young and accomplished and I am like the portrait, old and decaying. It's my coping mechanism that I've been doing for 52 years, I'm now 62.

Have you noticed post-covid how many people talk about "living their best life" or getting rid of "toxic people from their lives". I wonder if complex MI people fall under toxic people, it feels like it. How do we help people to understand what the darkness feels like without triggering or scaring them. I have never met anyone who has even tried to listen or understand so I've given up.

Thanks for raising this issue.

R🌻

Hi @Louie333. I'm sorry to hear what about what you're going through. I can't really give any thoughts above what has already been given. It sounds the same to me, that she wanted to support you, but found it triggered her own issues and is now dealing with them. Hopefully she gets to a point where she feels she can at least let you know what has been going on. You were so open and honest with her, hopefully in time, it makes her feel she can do the same with you. I know exactly how difficult it is top be open and honest like that with someone, and how much it must hurt to have this reaction. Just know, that you don't have to deal with all of this alone.

I was diagnosed with my own serious health (not mental) condition a couple of years ago, and yeah, some people just disappear. After a while couple of older friends have heard about what is going on with me and have been supportive so you do find out who the people you can rely on are. The important thing is not to blame yourself for the ones that do disappear. It says more about them than it does you. Surround yourself with supportive people, even if they are just online like here, and I've found that has helped me the most. The best of luck to you Louie and be kind to yourself.