Procrastination and stress

Don't forget the fact that we are almost always our own worst critic @creative_writer I promise you that no one else sees you as codependent or annoying. And sometimes in our attempts to not seem annoying or desperate we can accidentally end up closing off potentially nourishing experiences - I know because I have done this to myself before. Like I've had folks tell me they were surprised by how nice I was cos they thought I was actually quite snooty since I had initially refused to talk to them... I was just anxious and thought they wouldn't like me lol.

Also, please remember that sometimes even when we know something logically, our bodies still haven't 'learned it' experientially. So like if you just can't shake this feeling, that's not a personal failing that's legit just... a stage of recovery that you're at.

Oh phew! So you can kinda chill a bit and maybe focus on some regulating and stuff this arvo?

Aye for sure, whole bundle of factors at play hey @creative_writer - it's why I was such a fan of Jessica Fern's Nested Model of Attachment (from the book Polysecure - it's about maintaining safe n secure attachments in non-monogamous relationships but the stuff she has on attachment is probably the best I've read for its insights, as well as being suuuuper digestible... okay shameless book plug over). The model doesn't just look at how our relationship w our primary caregivers can influence, but also all the other stuff, like our home life, our local community, our experiences at school, our cultural identity, even our relationship to earth n humanity... Reason I think it's relevant is to again point out that even if others have been through the same or similar traumas to you, they've never had to do so whilst also having your life experiences, context, attachment style... all of it.

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@creative_writer wrote:
I think forming meaningful relationships and being accepted despite MH and trauma would be healing in itself. I just hate to admit it.

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Hahaha is it even recovery if you aren't dragging your feet the whole time? 😅

I hope you can have the space to release those tears at some point hun, all that cortisol is gonna wreck your mood later otherwise. I know it's not always that simple but if you can even just sob silently into a pillow, it will do your brain wonders 💜

Yeah nah high school relationships aren't all that for everyone @creative_writer I think I speak to maybe one person? And even then it's like, every few years. I definitely did not peak in high school - my high school experiences were awful. I did make friends along the way during my first uni degree, but none of them ever made me feel accepted for me, ND warts n all. Didn't find that until I was in my late 20's!!

I'm sorry that so many factors have pushed you to suppress your tears like that hun. It's rough. I hope that one day you can find enough of a sense of safety in your environment and within yourself to let go.

I'm headed off for tonight, I hope you have a super chill rest of your evening darlin 😊💜

I'm sorry it's a bit of a tough day today @creative_writer. Hopefully it feels a bit better as the day goes on for you.

I've always struggled with keeping connected to most people. I appreciate that yes, maybe I could have tried harder to maintain them, but even looking back over the past 50 odd years, it always felt very one sided, like i was the only one who had an interest in maintaining these friendships. It makes finding that motivation so difficult when you feel that it's not reciprocated in the same way... or even in any way.

I spent most of my life trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and looking back it never, ever helped make things better, other than that very temporary distraction from them. This becomes even more apparent when you discover a lot of the people you do have around you start to disappear when you need them during really rough times in life. You do it too long and it becomes very difficult to just 'turn back on' when you find someone who will accept in from you. 11 years on, and I still struggle with this with my partner.

Aww huggles to you my dear @creative_writer I'm sorry you've had to fight the tears again. It's so hard to fight our own instincts!! Are you still at uni for much longer? Here for you hun 💜

@MJG017 I know exactly what you mean, and it is why 'reciprocity' is one of my fundamental relationship needs/a lack of it is one of my deal-breakers. I spent way too many years pouring myself into relationships, and after a while of 'always being the one' - the one to text first, to organise stuff, to initiate conversations, etc. - I got sick of it. I got so sick of noticing that when I didn't do all that labour, the friendships often fizzled out. I think working on my people-pleasing/fawn response has helped with this immensely though!! Having a higher self-worth and choosing friends based on mutuality rather than just 'oh my god SOMEONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME' has made a big difference!!