Procrastination and stress

@Jynx we live in a world designed for NTs. Our heightened sense of awareness would have been adaptive in the past, it would have kept us safe. It’s important to consider how certain behaviours may have even been adaptive in the past and may still be. A bouncy leg won’t hurt anyone.

I’m definitely not functioning. I was actually reading up, there is some evidence to suggest my PRN may help calm those with ADHD, though not typically prescribed for it. Makes sense as ND often have mood disorders and circadian rhythm disruptions.

I think the SI comes from having a chaotic mind, it’s lots of things like assignment stress, past rumination, future worries in terms of career. I don’t think I can be a full time therapist, and going into research often requires some further study like masters research or PhD at some point. My MH has affected my ability to perform, and I get worried and obsessed over grades. I want to keep research pathway option open, but then I must do well this semester

@creative_writer yeah for sure, I loved the way the GP (who helped me get diagnosed w ADHD) described some of those aspects - for example, 'easily distracted' actually makes a really excellent watchman, always alert to movements or threats! And someone who is obsessive over tiny details in a way that might make an NT roll their eyes, might have been the best equipped to spot the toxic vs the edible mushrooms for instance!

Ach, I'm really hearing you hun. Makes sense that you're feeling like you're having to take stock of your mental state in regards to career focus and stuff. I will just say.... I think that it is good to plan ahead and to create contingencies, however we also can't know whether or not a type of job is going to be sustainable until we're in it. And like, even if you don't quite get the grades you want in terms of keeping that research path open, it doesn't mean the path will close, there's always bridging courses and auxilliary diplomas and stuff - a path can be made. I think the worst thing you can do is to put too much pressure on yourself.

@Jynx I think it’s important to understand the adaptive nature of ND and even mental health.

I think I am really getting too caught up with having the perfect grades. Maybe research master would be less competitive option, but I know they like people with experience. The thing is, our typical social work course does not really equip you fully with the skills to do research as a career. I am not ready for a full time social work role just yet. I have been struggling to apply for jobs, applying for further study in social work hasn’t been an option for me right now since I’ve had so much stuff to do. I guess I will wait what the future holds. Research assistant is probably something I can do after my degree. So i probably don’t even need to decide whether I want to do further study, because there are options, but of course it’s limited. I don’t really know what I want to do to be honest.

Rumination has also been an issue lately. I get caught up in “contamination thoughts” which can be hard to shake off. I think it’s worse when my mind is racing like it has been lately.

What do you enjoy most about study? What about placement? Maybe if one area seemed to get you excited more than others, that could help direct your focus @creative_writer

The actual workplace will matter heaps too tho. Like I never thought I'd find my niche in online forums, but have found unexpected passion here, as well as a supportive work environment - which you know firsthand how much that is also gonna impact how much you enjoy your work!

Hahaha it's very wonderfully ND of you to be so enthusiastically keen to do ALL OF IT 😋💜

You been able to start exploring these thoughts with someone yet? Sounds like it has been worsening?

@Jynx the thing is I enjoyed both my research and clinical placements. I just can't see myself ever being a clinician 9-5, 5 days a week. I would get overstimulated. I know there are research assistant part time roles too, my friend is doing one, she graduated last year. So technically, I don't need more study for some research roles. A supportive workplace is really important. I've been told hospitals have lots of professional development and support. I just don't know if the hospital is the right environment for me. They tend to be bright, noisy and very fast paced. I'm sure there will be community options that are supportive.

I started to explore the thoughts with my counsellor during my last appointment. I can talk to my pdoc on Tuesday and counsellor again the following week. I've taken the PRN again today, just hoping it calms me soon. I think a lot clearer once my brain slows down. Depression along with racing thoughts and energy is chaotic. I don't even know how long I've been in chaos for, it's been a while now. I've also found myself drawn to dark music lately too, it is probably very telling. I think it helps me feel a bit less lonely, depression and cptsd can be quite isolating

@creative_writer would you ever do private practice of some sort? You could create the most sensory-friendly therapeutic space, every ND client would come from miles around ahaha.

I think as awareness of ND and sensory needs grows, workplaces are becoming more open to providing workplace adjustments and such - so I guess that's a green flag to look out for/something to ask about in job interviews hey.

In any case, I'm sure the path will become clearer the longer you walk it 😊

Aye the slowing down helps soooo much doesn't it. I think it's part of why things like heavy, loud, or fast-paced music resonate so much with ND brains. It feels like music that can actually keep up with my brain!

Sounds like you're noticing more heavy emotional themes in your tune choices tho, which can be telling indeed - it also could be helping you to process some of those emotions a lil bit!

What tunes you listening to? Wondering if we should swap some recommendations 🤔

@Jynx I would do private practice if I could. The only thing is, social workers need to get the mental health accreditation before they can bill through Medicare. It takes about 2 years to get there. Workplaces do need to become more sensory friendly.

I’ve been listening to a mix of RØRY and Citizen Soldier. They both have heavy content with some songs talking about self harm and suicide

Hmm true, longer-term goal maybe then @creative_writer

Alright, had a lil listen to Citizen Soldier - very mournful kinda tunes, I see where you're at!

I don't have time to link em properly but try:

Easier - Mansionair

Eyes On Fire - Blue Foundation

Hold Me Down - Halsey

Hope you have a chill night hun, be gentle with your wonderful self yeah? 😊💜

@Jynx I hope you had a restful night ❤️

I'm a bit less agitated today, but can't say the nervous energy has left, I don't know if it will just take time. It's frustrating, my thoughts keep racing, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. If this was only a nightmare and I would wake up

I can’t live like this, it’s torture. Yet, I refuse to reach out for support 😔. I am having SI and SH thoughts but I’m safe. Maybe I do need to take PRN for a few days straight or maybe it has to be part of my regular cocktail of meds. Bipolar brain is a pain when it decides to be depressed but wired