Procrastination and stress

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@Jynx wrote:

I know exactly what you mean, and it is why 'reciprocity' is one of my fundamental relationship needs/a lack of it is one of my deal-breakers. I spent way too many years pouring myself into relationships, and after a while of 'always being the one' - the one to text first, to organise stuff, to initiate conversations, etc. - I got sick of it. I got so sick of noticing that when I didn't do all that labour, the friendships often fizzled out. I think working on my people-pleasing/fawn response has helped with this immensely though!! Having a higher self-worth and choosing friends based on mutuality rather than just 'oh my god SOMEONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME' has made a big difference!!

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I couldn't agree more @Jynx. It's exhausting, frustrating and depressing. I've made it a deal breaker as well after putting up with it for... well, all my life up to earlier this year. Working on my sense of self worth and people pleasing is what has been the key to it as well. On top of finally seeing that it all got me nowhere, and seeing how meaningless those tenuous connections with those people were. It brought more negativity into my life than positivity so I feel so much better about myself since i've done a bit of social 'spring cleaning'. I happy for you that you've found a similar place as well. It does make a very nice change in life doesn't it. Pats on the back for us both! 😊😊

@creative_writer Yeah, if you're a bit different in any way, it's hard to find people who are that 'good fit'. It's hard, but far from impossible. It just means we have to look harder, but we're used to things being harder so same ol' same ol'. Personally, I like quirky, it's more interesting and fun being around a quirky person.

Sometimes now, I think i'm quite impressed with myself for keeping that fake smiling up for as long as I did. Pretty much 50 years! If i'm going to take anything positive from it, it may as well be that! I found the same thing, people that weren't there for me when I needed them, hadn't just disappeared when I needed them, but were now making me feel worse and I really didn't need that at the time. I just couldn't take more negativity. It made me see that people like that throughout my life had never brought me a net-positive from the relationship so why bother trying to please them... it was always a waste of time, and just to think that any sense of connection with them was real. I just regret it took me soo long and a cancer diagnosis to realise this. But... you know, silver linings and all that.

As a guy, especially one his his 50s, we're raised not to cry, and I didn't. But now... screw that! I'll cry if I want to. I was speaking to my post adoption support service counselor last week and could feel myself becoming emotional. I carried on because, you know, I'm a man and I can control it. I couldn't. I started to lose it and I didn't care and went on for the rest of the session as best I could. There were lots of pauses and I did use a lot of her tissues, but it was okay. I felt better. A bit guilty about her tissues, but I couldn't think of one real reason why it was bad or wrong.

@MJG017 I wouldn’t say there were negative people, but they found it uncomfortable sitting the uncomfortable. I rather keep stuff to myself than feel worse after reaching out for support. Things like “talk to your parents”, “keep yourself busy”, “stay positive” aren’t helpful for me. I also get triggered when someone’s starts doubting my narrative, I’m the one who went through shit, not them.

I feel like even as a female I was told not to cry so much as a child, I would imagine the pressure would be higher for men to keep their emotions locked in. I do thinking letting it out with the right person helps. It’s not so helpful when the people you are around see tears as weakness

@creative_writer I think i meant 'negative' more in the way they made me feel, rather than the way they actually were. Although with a lot of them, I never really got to reach out to them for support, they disappeared just at the news I was in a difficult place. I think a lot of us find it so dismissive and triggering after a while of hearing the same platitudes. For me they were the good old "Stay positive", "You just need to accept it and move on", and "Don't assume the worst"... especially after a few results in a row where all not exactly great results!

That's the thing I guess, you don't know who the people are that will see crying as a weakness until you do it and see the result from it. I think it's why I've found my counselor and the guys in my men's group so helpful... I have that trust that I can talk about anything without fear of "Well I wont talk about that, because I'm worried it might get a bit too emotional for me." These are the exact things I should talk about, but always made so sure I kept to myself. It's nice (and helpful) to now get them out and not only feel safe doing so, but also feeling supported.

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@creative_writer wrote:
It is true that you don’t know how people will perceive crying until you do cry. Just hoping I eventually do find the safe place. My thoughts having been weighing me down lately

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I was talking to a friend last night. We talked about how he just broke down in tears at our men's group a week ago. He said he didn't know where it came from, but that he's had so much on his mind for a while. After talking about it, we both came to the conclusion that something has to come out eventually, and that was just his point where something had to break.

I'm not saying you need to sit down and cry with someone, but continuing to talk about how we're feeling, even if it's just in text here, is so helpful for me. Otherwise it just continues to build and grind me down. I'm not sure we can deal with things like this on our own, we can silence or bury them for a while, but they always have a habit of coming back eventually. So continue to get your thoughts out where ever and however you feel comfortable. Hopefully it will help you as much as it has done for me.

@creative_writer I've had thoughts my whole life that have never really helped me, and it's taken my so long to even try to begin to learn to not listen to them... or at least quieten them down enough to let more positive thoughts through.

Any trauma is hard, probably impossible, to ignore but it can get to a point where we just find ourselves stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, blaming ourselves and a feeling of low self worth. They all combine to keep us feeling the same way, or even getting progressively worth.

Maybe try asking yourself "are these thoughts reasonable?", "are they true?", "am I placing realistic expectations on myself?" etc. It may help to reframe some of your thoughts and see them as unhelpful and help you to ignore them.

Is it the demands and expectations of your study that are mainly causing all these thoughts or is it more down to your CPTSD giving you a particularly hard time right now? I know I do judge myself very harshly most of the time and that it puts a lot of unrealistic expectations on myself, resulting in feeling like a failure and so it reinforces the harsh self judgements and around we go again!! It's exhausting! I now try to look at it like if I judged someone else as harshly as I judge myself they would probably attack me for insulting them so badly. Yet if I do it to myself, it's taken as fact. It helps me to remember that a lot of the pressure, stress, and anxiety... as well as mos of the negative thoughts that go with them, are all self inflicted and not based on anything anyone one else sees in me. Does that make it all go away? Of course not, but it does make me doubt them enough to entertain some other thoughts that are more positive. For me, its about slowed adjusting that balance of the type of thoughts we have. And knowing that its a slow process and takes time. And some good support around us.