Can you see me?

Hey @Invisible18, thank you for joining the Forums and sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds tough always being the carer and never having anyone take care of you. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want someone to do something for you. And doing it as a carer too would mean that you never get a break from caring for others.

You are demonstrating your strength and resilience reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. And sharing your experiences caring for others and seeking some support from the community. It is brave to reach out for support and be vulnerable when you are used to supporting others.

Please stay connected with your peers and continue to share your experiences with the community.

Thanks again

RiverSeal.

Hello @Invisible18 I've had exactly the same problem. I think hyper-independence stems from abuse/neglect as a child which is what happened to me.

The response you are getting from others not being there for you may be triggering. Its very difficult to let down your guard and share your feelings if you have been hurt in the past. I think once a pattern of relating is set in place its very hard to shift regarding your own personal expectations of others.

For whatever reason your situation is non-reciprocal. You may even find it hard to believe that you are deserving of care. I went for years with "relationships" where my energy was not respected and now when I look back on it I really felt used in the end and seen as a bottomless resource.

If there is nothing standing in your way I would try and make new friendships or join a womens circle like a red tent or something to be around women that are supportive and caring and whom prioritise self growth and conscious relating.

I think just trying to change your own personal narrative a bit and maybe affirming that you only attract caring reciprocal relationships where your energy is esteemed will shift whom you attract. The things we tell ourselves become ingrained subconscious patterns and we become like a magnet for the same types of people.

No more freeloaders! Sometimes it can be hard for other people to recognise that we need care especially when we are the ones doing the caring all the time. Patterns can be shifted with a more modified outlook and moving into social circles where people are invested equally in themselves and others

Hi @Invisible18, welcome to the forum. I know exactly how hard it is to reach out and share anything with anyone. It took me until my early 40s before I reached out for the first time on a forum very similar to this one. I'd never discussed anything personal with anyone before that. I was on that forum for a couple of years until I feel back into my old ways. It wasn't until this year that i've tried again. I've always done it for very similar reasons, I just never trusted anyone enough to share anything personal with them. I always kept people at a distance. It's helped me a lot his year to reach out again and talk to people who understand what I'm feeling and just sharing experiences with people here has helped be a lot.

I always prided myself on my independence and strength. I always thought that I'd always managed on my own and never needed any help and support. That may have been less my choice and more circumstance, but that's how life was for pretty much the first 50 years of life. It does take a lot of strength to deal with that and cope with the isolation it can bring. But it does grind you down slowly over time. Eventually a point is reached where nothing seems to work anymore and it all seems too much. When I first reached out, I didn't expect anything from it... it was more an impulse in desperation at the time. But talking to people who understood straight away I started to develop some trust in people and stared to slowly share more about myself.

So I think it just sounds like you've reached a similar point. So when circumstances in life 18 months ago had me reaching that point again, but much, much worse this time I decided I needed to reach out for support again. This time it was a bit easier to being with but I slowly started to trust more and more until I had a few groups I could share with. The key for me was to learn to not think of it as being weak or dependent, but just needing a bit of support. People grow up with support around them their whole lives, why didn't I deserve a bit now as well? I slowly became more open to just saying "I'm struggling and need some help". Earlier this year my GP suggested a mental health care plan for 10 subsidised psychology visits and to my surprise I said yes. That went okay, but not fantastic bt it was just another thing I tried which I would have never done before 18 months ago.

I've always been the first person to stick up their hand when someone says they need some help with something... always happy to do what I can to help people out. But I never really felt like anyone ever offered it back. I sort of understood it, i'd never told anyone if I needed help and kept everything to myself. So I though maybe they just thought I was always fine. Then 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and no one except my partner offered any support. No one even contacted me to see how I was doing. Two years on nothing much has changed in that department. But through reaching out and seeking help and support I have a good network of support now, like here and support groups I've joined this year.

So i obviously don't know much about your own family dynamic, but have you talked to them about how you feel. Maybe they just think you're the one that's always looked after them so have just gotten used to you in that role. Like you are the strong one, you are the independent reliable one. You said no matter how much you give, it's not enough. Is the 'not enough' coming from you or you family? I'm not trying to be dismissive in any way about how your feeling, but I know from personal experience that our own doubts and fears can stay with us for so long... we keep everything to ourselves for so long... that we start to form a distorted view of how we're seen by those around us. That's not to say that view can be correct in a lot of ways. I still get very little support from my family, but knowing I tried to change myself to be more open and it didn't make a difference with them, I looked elsewhere for that support and found it. I really hope you can find that within your family. You just may need to be more open and honest with them to let them know it's your turn for some of that caring and support you've given them over the many years.

You're definitely not alone here. A lot of us talk about issues from our childhoods that have stayed with us and make us have a lot of difficulty reaching out to people or just sharing how we feel.

@RiverSeal thank you for your kind words. It means a lot

Thank you @Former-Member. I had a confusing childhood so I think that’s where my hyper independence stems from.
It is so hard to admit that you need help and ask for it. I have done it in the past and been hurt and each time I’ve sworn that I’ll just manage on my own next time because asking for help never ends well. But nobody can do it on their own.

Yes, you are right! I often feel like I am not deserving of care and I need to earn love. In my head, I know this is not true, but I have been conditioned this way for so long it’s hard to not default back to it. I would love to make some new friends and be around some supportive people but I don’t really know where to start. I am very introverted and I have some social anxiety too. I always end up getting hurt in friendships so I’ve kind of given up.

Your words are very encouraging and I feel empowered after reading them! No more freeloaders!

@MJG017 Thank you for responding to my post. I think I have reached a similar point to what you have described. And I relate very much to the loneliness and isolation that managing on your own can bring. It is hard to depend on people when you feel like you’ll just end up getting hurt and worse off than when you started.

I feel very similar, I always offer to help others, go above and beyond for everyone and when it’s my turn to receive help, no one is there to give it, even if I ask.

I’m very sorry to hear that you have been fighting cancer. That takes so much strength. Thats so much to deal with, especially trying to manage on your own. I’m glad you have found some support. How are you doing now?

I do try to talk to my family but they are so used to me being the strong, independent, caring one. Things can change for a little while, but always end up back to me being in the same caring, independent role again. That’s an interesting point about the ‘not enough’ coming from myself and a distorted view and actually I think maybe it does.

I feel so much better already just being able to talk about things and get some advice.
Thanks again

Welcome @Invisible18 ,

Great to hear from you.

I hope you find the care and support you deserve as you connect with other members. Looking forward to getting to you know you a bit more @Invisible18

@Invisible18I'm glad posting here has helped you. One of the main things Ive found from talking to people in support groups this year is it can make me see things about myself in a different way. Doubts and thoughts I had about myself that I hear from other people with different perspectives and makes me rethink those things I believed about myself. It really helps me a lot.

You said that your family will help for a little while if you say something but it doesn't last for long. It sounds like they're so used to you being the strong one that if you do say something they may thing you only need a little bit of help. So their view of you not needing much help is as distorted as your thinking you're not doing enough for them. There are these two mistaken beliefs reinforcing each other. No one can accuse you of not doing enough for them, so no harm can come from asking them for more back. Hopefully you can all come to a place we're everyone is happy. Just don't be afraid to let them know you need more support... they might surprise you. We can tend to stop asking people over time once we start to lose faith in depending on others so we need to relearn to ask. I'm still working on this myself.

As for me, things are fine at the moment. The current drugs are doing the job for now. Hopefully that continues for a while longer before a new treatment is needed.

Good luck and let us know how you're getting on.

@Invisible18 look up "Pyroluria" and do some research on it. Its a condition that masks social anxiety and is more recognised in places like the USA but not here. The condition is known to be very common and more prevalent amongst the mentally ill. Pyroluria will create social anxiety. You may have it and it can be treated with you guessed it certain strength vitamins and dietary changes! No medical pills.

There is a blog Everywomanover29 by someone who lives with Pyroluria and puts out tonnes of free resources on it. There is so much information available. Pyroluria is becomming more widely recognised.

The psychiatric clinic I mentioned in the USA sells the specific vitamins for Pyroluria in their online shop. You could also talk to someone from a compounding chemist here who may know something about the condition and dispenses the vitamins for you.

You can do an online Questionnaire to see if you have Pyroluria then get it treated by a dietician or expert in the field.

You can then start taking control of your life again and get the ball rolling.

@Former-Member I have never heard of it! But I’m going to look it up right now, it sounds interesting