Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.
Cleo2Senior Contributor
I upset my housemate today by politely asking them if I could have the old dish drainer back. Meanwhile they're worrying about other things. Bigger things. So they got really upset (behind closed doors).
Why do I act like a Mum when I'm not one? Why am I so polite? How do I stop being a people pleaser? Ideas anyone?
In response to: How do I stop being a Mom/people pleaser?
tymeModerator
Hey @Cleo2 ,
In a way, I can relate. I tend to either be the carer (Mum) or the one being cared for.
I think back then, it filled a void in me.
Moving on, 10 years down the track, I still 'care' for people, but I don't have the dependency of wanting to be cared for.
I wonder if part of this feeling is wanting to be accepted? This is very natural. We all want acceptance.
In response to: Re: How do I stop being a Mom/people pleaser?
Cleo2Senior Contributor
Hi @tyme It is definitely because I want to be accepted. But I don't know how to stop doing it. Do I just wear a neutral face? What should my voice sound like if it's neutral? If I try to be neutral wouldn't I just be acting neutral? Should I just let all my emotions out like a child?
In response to: How do I stop being a Mom/people pleaser?
MJG017Senior Contributor
Hi @Cleo2, I've always been a people pleaser myself. I always said or did what I thought they wanted just to feel accepted. I realised far, far too late that it generally gets you nowhere. It never got me that accepted so I look back and wonder just why did I try so hard to get people to like me when it didn't ever seem to work that well. I mean people liked me (I think), but there was always a distance or disconnect there.
These days I still do it to an extent, but I do try to make boundaries of how far I;m willing to go. If people all seem to agree on something I dont agree with, instead of just agreeing now, I'll say (in a respectful way of course) that I understand what they are saying, but I just see it differently. If I have to say 'no' to someone, then I remind myself of all the times people have said the same to me. It reminds me that it's perfectly fine sometimes to say 'no' without being a bad person. I also try to be aware of when I say "i'm sorry". I basically try to rephrase it to "I wish I could", or "I wont be able to go"... stuff like that. It's very much a work in progress for me and I still do just agree and/or say nothing sometimes but it's like anything I guess... you have to start slow and change slowly. Even just taking a bit of extra time to think before replying. Lastly, I do try to see the positives about myself and try to see myself as someone who is worth knowing. I still have doubts and, yeah.. plenty of insecurities but it's all part of the change in thinking about reminding ourselves that we can still be polite, friendly and helpful to those around us while being more assertive and just speaking up if we disagree or have different priorities.
I think if people do really like us, they will understand and probably respect us more. The problem I still have is if I say 'no' once, I feel like I really need to agree the next time. But like I said, it's still new and a work in progress for me. Like writing shorter posts! 😁 Good luck Cleo.
In response to: Re: How do I stop being a Mom/people pleaser?
Cleo2Senior Contributor
Thanks @MJG017 . I'll take it slow.
In response to: Re: How do I stop being a Mom/people pleaser?
tymeModerator
@Cleo2 wrote:
Hi @tyme It is definitely because I want to be accepted. But I don't know how to stop doing it. Do I just wear a neutral face? What should my voice sound like if it's neutral? If I try to be neutral wouldn't I just be acting neutral? Should I just let all my emotions out like a child?
Practice, practice, practice. No one does it perfectly the first time.
Set those boundaries bit by bit. It's not about being rude or upsetting people, but being assertive for your own sake.
Assertiveness is key.
It is not a sign of weakness or rudeness, but rather people hear your thoughts and what YOU need.
Please don't give up after the first time. Yes... go slow to go fast (and far).
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
You’ll soon be able to use one secure login to access all SANE services.
For added security, members are now required to log in with their email address and password - member names are no longer supported for logging in.
If you had a Forums account before 19 May 2026 and haven’t set up your new login yet, you'll be prompted to set up your new secure login when you sign-in.
Fields marked * are required
