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Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

AlgebraicFurySenior Contributor21 Jan 2017, 1:39 am AEDT

Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

Hi, I'm a new member though I've been reading discussions on here for a while. I was diagnosed with type 2 Bipolar Disorder around 3 years ago following a hospitalisation and consequent loss of employment. I've suffered severely with these MI issues since I was a teenager, however it took around 25 years to finally receive a useful diagnosis. I have somehow managed to achieve a lot academically, though my career is very far behind that of other people of similar age (in the scheme of things this is not really an issue).

I am now on very useful medication and have had a lot of psychological therapy, which is ongoing. My moods are now much more stable, though I still seem to cycle up and down slightly (mostly down). I am amazed at how good the medication has been. My GP thinks I'm probably cyclothymic now, which is far from ideal but I am able to manage this. Consequently, for the last year my life has been improving and I am regaining a career.

Recently I viewed a video of a young girl committing suicide. From what I have seen she was a sweet, smart and engaging young girl. I have been profoundly saddened by this girl's passing, and I think about this poor girl and the details of her suicide everyday. These thoughts are pretty much with me constantly, to the point of being intrusive. I have talked about this with my GP and he says it sounds like rumination for which mindfulness can be helpful. He suggested it may be caused by many years of SI, so my brain is now (reversibly) hardwired to think about such things. It seems a little absurd, seeing as I never personally knew the girl, however the feelings seem to be similar to grief. I'm not sure what I'm feeling and I'm becoming concerned that it might be something more sinister, as my mood seems to be particularly low after this experience. I sometimes have feelings of hoplessness and despair, though they are not severe as yet.

I'm also seeing my psychologist next week to talk about this, however I was wondering whether anyone else has had a similar experience, what their interpretation of it was, and how they dealt with it?

Many thanks, AF

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In response to: Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

AlgebraicFurySenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 2:06 am AEDT

Re: Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

@pip. I'm so sorry that the father of your children suicided. It seems that it would be impossible to explain this to a child. I have two little kids and it has been a great fear of mine that one day I could fall into a severe depression and end my own life. This fear is my main motivation to maintain my mood stability as best I can, though of course there are no guarantees that I will never experience a very low mood again. There were a few times in my life when my mood was so low that I didn't care about anything at all, even my kids. It seems abhorrent to say that because I would normally give my life for them, however that is the reality of depression. It was like every emotion was channelled into despair and hopelessness, in combination with almost total irrationality. I can fully understand how people take their own lives in these circumstances. Thankfully I haven't experienced such a low mood in a few years.

I agree with everything you said in your last post. From my experience, when I was feeling suicidal it was extremely difficult to talk to someone about it. One reason for this is that it is such an uncomfortable topic to raise with someone, even health-care professionals. I always felt like they would judge me, ridicule me, or just not take it seriously (which I have experienced). Another reason is that you can be in such deep depression that it is essentially impossible to see anything beyond it, and you may be unable to communicate at all. Unfortunately, even when a suicidal person reaches out over a significant period of time they may not receive any help, as was the case for the girl in the video.

It seems to me that early intervention is the best way to prevent suicide, however this requires someone to take notice of the person's SI, which can be hidden away and therefore essentially impossible to detect. I think it's great that there are organisations which promote a more open discussion of suicide, and hopefully the subject becomes a little less uncomfortable for everyone.

All the best, AF

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