Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

Hi, I've been feeling better as I've managed to stay away from the girl's videos for three days. It wasn't easy but I knew I had to distance myself. I spoke with my psychologist about this issue and they said that I was obsessing over her suicide, since the related thoughts were interfering with my daily routine. Also, staying away from the videos was apparently the smart thing to do. My psychologist also suggested that I was identifying with the girl, and that I needed to break this identification by realising that she could not see the transience of her suffering whereas I have been able to with mine. The problem is that when severely depressed I was never able to view my suffering as transient, and I don't believe anyone can in that situation. Moreover, a young person does not have the cognitive ability to realise that everything is transient. So, breaking this identification is not so easy.

I wonder why this girl committed suicide, however I didn't? Perhaps I was lucky in some way, perhaps I had more supports, or maybe it's just random. It seemed that this girl had no support from anyone in her life, including family, friends, school and healthcare professionals, so she was (unfortunately) reaching out online as a last resort. @utopia, I like your suggestion of helping out with an organisation that tries to prevent suicide. When I discovered that this girl had taken her own life, I wished that I knew that she was struggling so that I could have communicated with her or alerted someone who could have helped her.

@Appleblossom, you and @utopia are right. We do need to protect ourselves, especially when we have a MI. After my bipolar diagnosis I realised that I had to change my life a lot, particularly by reducing stress. This was a way of protecting my newfound mood stability, since medication and psychological therapy cannot maintain this stability under all circumstances. The changes were very difficult, but over time I've come to accept them. Viewing the video of this girl's suicide was not a good idea for me, but it is the first time I have been so extremely affected by such an experience. It has made me realise that I have to avoid putting myself in such situations again, which is easier said than done, but I have more motivation to follow it through now.

@utopia, I really liked your comment that, 'as people living with MI - I think we are more vulnerable to taking on the feelings of others'. I think this is very often the case and it relates directly to my recent experience, as I was taking on this poor girl's despair and hopelessness. It was in no way helpful to me to do that, and there was nothing I could do to help her at that point anyway.

AF

I am glad you managed to detach yourself from following and researching more about the young girl. @AlgebraicFury

Even when we know the person we may never really know all the things that added up to push them over in that fateful moment.

I am resigned to the fact that suicide is a part of my life and I warn myself I cant get cocky or detach completely from the issue .. I have even tried to claim some control over my SI and make possible "methods" part of my recovery processes.. ie in choosing to make a life worth living.

It is very scary for how long I was so obssessed with it, but I didnt think about suicide much when I was on my recent holiday. It was others who mentioned it .. and so my inner world became aligned with the outer world .. but it was not in a copycat fashion .. it was just that one person whom I sang next to made a private sharing and a health official made a public declaration ,, I felt heard... that helps.

It sounds as if you have done a lot of good psychological work and have a good therapist.

Take care

Hi @Dothemo, I think it is great that you didn't watch the girl's suicide video. I don't believe the video will ever completely disappear from the internet. It would have been downloaded by so many people that there will always be a source for it.

Part of the reason I watched the video is because I also don't believe in censorship for adults, as I like to know the truth and reality of our world. Unfortunately, my neurotransmitters don't seem to function in the 'normal' manner so I can be adversely affected by experiences which may not have the same effect on someone without a MI. In fact, I can be adversely affected by the most mundane of experiences. Perhaps you are right that such videos and photos should be censored, at least to protect those whom are vulnerable to them.

What seemed to make the experience worse for me was that I was able to learn about her life before her suicide as she had a prior online presence. This just made it so much more real for me and I started to identify with her. I was thankfully able to stop watching her videos, and I have been gradually feeling better. It seems that I am still learning about what can trigger me.

All the best, AF

Hi @AlgebraicFury , I can understand what you went through completely, it’s so tragic what happened to the girl it is almost inconceivable. But perhaps if there is a heaven, that girl is there now. I think what you experienced is completely normal because you are a kind and empathetic person. I am empathetic also so I would also be effected by the video and her cyber footprint. I think they should remove videos of deceased persons out of respect for the deceased and the family of the deceased. I think also because it can inspire dark thoughts in others. But you are right, they are not going to be able to completely remove that video now that it’s proliferated unfortunately.

I am very glad you are feeling better now, if you distract your mind further – it will heal itself quickly and you will come back stronger!

Regards,
Dothemo

Hi @utopia, you've made an important point regarding possible triggers. It can sometimes be something totally unexpected and seemingly minor. This is definitely something which I need to investigate, as it's an area of self-care which I was unaware is important for me.

AF